Why can't everyone just be normal?

So I was all set to shut down the blog - I even sort of told Milton I would be doing just that.  But something in me just can't let it go.  What can I say, I'm incredibly stubborn...something I'm sure Milton is well on his way to figuring out.  That being said, I'm still experimenting with the tone and style of the blog going forward.  I definitely won't be posting as often, and I can't guarantee humor, unless of course you find my whole life to be one big joke.  It certainly feels that way at times.

So, let's see, where to begin...

I still have a boyfriend!  No one is more surprised by this than me.  Milton and I have been seeing each other for 3 weeks and 5 days, but it's not like I'm keeping track.  That would be weird.  We've been on 12 dates (and yes, I'm counting the times we just watch TV at my house), and we've had 0 fights.  Basically our relationship is like one of those newborns that inexplicably sleeps through the night, so you just tiptoe through the house not wanting to make any sudden sounds that might ruin the magic.

We've slowly started incorporating each other into our everyday lives.  It's one thing to date in a vacuum of just the two of us.  It's a whole other thing to start introducing someone to the parts of your life that make up who you are.  The first of these experiences was going to watch Milton play tennis at one of his leagues.  I've been a fan of professional tennis for years.  I even took lessons for about 4 months a few years ago, thinking that all those years of watching Grand Slams from my recliner would translate into aces and forehand winners.  It didn't.  The quality of the play was slightly under that of say, Wimbledon, but it was great to watch Milton do something he enjoys so much.  It was also the first time I heard Milton introduce me to someone as his girlfriend.  That didn't suck either.

This past weekend, I took Milton with me to church.  He's long been a church goer, but it was his first time to attend my church.  There's a phenomenon among all churches that I like to call you've-gone-here-for-years-but-now-that-you've-brought-a-guest-we're-going-to-change-how-we-do-everything-for-one-week-just-to-screw-with-you-itus.  You can call it Schizo-Service for short. Any time I take a visitor to church, and I mean any time, it's like the whole team of church leaders conspire with the congregation to totally change the look, feel, and message of the church just to make sure that the hip, happening place you promised your guest is now square, awkward, and drenched in good old Bible-Belt bigotry.  If your church normally has a preacher, you'll find they've switched to puppet ministry.  If your church prays silently during communion, they'll decide to make everyone take a turn at the mic as they pass around a bottle of wine and some Twinkies.

Case in point, I took a Chinese exchange student to my church in Tulsa one time, and I swear, the word "blood" was uttered no less than 100 times during the service.  The whole worship service and message I heard blood of Christ this and lamb's blood that.  I knew what they were talking about, and yet I was still looking around for someone to start the animal sacrifices.  I can't imagine what someone raised in Communist China thought of all that.  Needless to say, it was a quiet ride home.

So I knew going in that this was going to be rough.  I was just crossing my fingers that the sermon wouldn't be about porn addiction or gay marriage.  My prayer was that everyone could just be normal. Unfortunately, Schizo-Service is a force of nature, not to be trifled with.  When we pulled into the parking lot, there was a full-on carnival underway.  Kids were running all over the place in Halloween costumes - I had totally forgotten my church's love of all things pagan.  Instead of the typical rock concert awesomeness that is our worship service, the team decided to slow things down a bit with an acoustic set of all ballads.  To top things off, the preacher had the audacity to be visiting another church, so we had a guest speaker.  On the plus side, nobody spoke in tongues or asked Milton for money.

That could have been enough firsts for one day, but I ended up meeting Milton's mother, step-father, and sister later that afternoon.  I was a bit nervous about this for some reason.  I guess I just didn't quite know what to expect having never been brought home to meet someone's family.  I really liked everyone.  His family seems to genuinely get along, which is such a rare thing these days.  His sister's dog gave her seal of approval by promptly throwing up.  I'm going to take that as a compliment - she was so excited about me, she just couldn't hold it all in.  I'm happy to report that I didn't do anything to embarrass myself (I mean, I didn't throw up or anything).  I didn't feel as "on" or myself as I would have liked, but hopefully there will be opportunities for me to hang out with them again, and they can see what I'm really like.  It's probably best to ease in anyway.  After all, I'm an acquired taste.

We ended the afternoon cuddled on my couch, Milton watching football and me reading my Kindle.  If this is being in a relationship, I think I could get used to it.




P.S. I'm getting my hair done on Friday.  When I made the appointment, I realized I hadn't gotten my hair done since before my date with Geek-Squad, which as you'll all recall was my first date from the online dating site.  It just shocked me to see how much my life had changed in the blink of time between haircuts. To quote Ferris Bueller:  "Life moves pretty fast.  If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

How u doin'...and other opening messages that don't work.

Well, it's been about a week since Milton asked me to go steady, and we've already survived my first freak-out.  More on that later, but first I'd like to provide a little insight into the messaging side of online dating now that I've had a few days to ruminate on the matter.

The first impression is always the most important.  It doesn't have to be perfect.  Certainly, a bad first impression can blossom into a wonderful relationship, but there are some things one just can't recover from.  For example, a guy who walks up to me at a bar will have a hard time getting anywhere if he opens with how much he'd like to "remove that stick up my ass and make me smile."  And yes, that actually happened many years ago.  I told him exactly what I'd do with that stick if removed. Needless to say, he wanted it to stay put.

In online dating your interactions are taking place through a screen, so if anything, you should be more careful in how you craft your opening line.  In theory, you've had time to review the profile of the person you want to contact and have been able to come up with something personalized and meaningful.  In theory.  In practice, boys apparently spend about 3 seconds deciding what form of "please have my babies" would be most charming before hitting send.

Based solely on my experience as a girl and a former online dater, I'd like to give you all a little advice about how to craft that perfect opening message.

Here's what doesn't work:

• Any mention of a girls face or body in the opening sentence - This happens so much more than I'm comfortable with.  I got a lot of messages on the site over the last month.  The majority of the messages that I chose not to respond to contained some mention of how beautiful I was in the first sentence. Some people might be okay with this, but I believe if your goal is to find an actual relationship and not just a hook-up, steer clear of the boys who focus purely on the physical.  And in that vein...
• Any requests to be their baby mama - This was less frequent, but still an issue.  I appreciate that these guys at least read my profile enough to know that I'd like to have kids someday, but it's presumptuous of them to think I'd like to have their children. 
• One word openers like "hi" or "hey" - If you can't be bothered to write at least one full sentence, then I can't be bothered to respond. Short, pointless messages are a clear sign that a guy is sending messages to every girl he's matched with on the site.  He's just after critical mass, and sending out one-word messages is the only efficient way to reach all the ladies.
• Saying, "I really liked your profile," and then not saying anything else - It's totally fine if this sentence is wrapped in with a few others that are more personal.  But saying only that you liked someone's profile is like saying, "Hi, I'm captain obvious, it's nice to meet you."  Clearly you liked my profile, because you're messaging me.  How about telling what it was about my profile that you liked.
• Straight up giving me your phone number and asking me to text you - Way too fast!
• Writing a reasonably long message that is so full of grammar mistakes that it's not readable - I had one like this, and I've almost decided that it had to be a joke.  The alternative is just too sad.  Hooked on phonics, buddy.  It's a thing.

Here's what does work:

• Pretty much anything that shows you actually read the other person's profile - If you want to message them, there must be something about their profile that caught your eye.  Was it a shared favorite movie or food, a common hobby, or love of the same city?  Whatever it was, use that as a jumping off point to start a conversation.  Some of this starts with how you write your own profile.  For example, I tried to infuse enough personality in my own by mentioning my hatred of Miley Cyrus and my love of grocery store flowers.  The better messages I received used those little tidbits of information as the starting point for their message.  It immediately showed me that they had read my profile and picked up on something that was important to me.
• Old Ginger Spice - As you'll recall, he defended the contributions of Miley Cyrus.
• TaxMan - Even though he didn't want to exchange more than a few messages, he piqued my interest with his clever acknowledgment of my use of bulleted lists.  
• Milton - He mentioned our shared love of the movie Office Space in his opening message, and spoiler alert, that sort of worked out. 
• Make sure your message is more than one sentence but less than 20 - I'm not exactly sure where the sweet spot is, but one sentence is not nearly invested enough, while a full chapter may invoke panic on the part of the reader.  They need to know you're interested, not that you're a stalker.

Today's Updates

• So I mentioned my freak-out.  I'm sure you all could see what was happening based on my last post.  Milton certainly cracked that code with minimal effort.  I felt like I'd already talked to him about it before posting, but apparently I hadn't really gone into enough detail in person.  I have to say, that's one of the things I really like about him - he doesn't let me get away with anything.  He's not afraid to have a difficult discussion, and he definitely listens to any concerns I have without making me feel stupid. 
• I'm happy to report, I'm no longer freaking-out.  I spent pretty much all day Friday and Saturday with Milton, and it was so great!  We have so much fun whether we're doing something or nothing.  I'm enjoying all the butterflies that come from spending time with him. This truly is the fun part!
• I survived, or rather Milton survived, meeting my sister and brother-in-law.  They're both so important to me.  If they hadn't liked Milton, that would have made things really difficult. Luckily, they both really liked him.  Next up, I will be meeting Milton's mother.  I'm happy about this, but of course, it comes with the normal amount of anxiety.  But it's safe to say, the woman who raised Milton has to be amazing. 

In other news, I finally got Milton's permission to share his picture on the blog.  This is a big day for all of us!

Well he's still a little shy, but don't I look happy?

And now, for my next trick...

This marks the first post after Milton and I had our big DTR (define the relationship) discussion, meaning this is the first post where I know he might be reading.  That's pretty much the reason it's taken me 4 days to revisit the blog.  I had a lot of things to consider:

Did it even make sense to try and continue writing?

Would Milton be able to handle having part of his life analyzed and documented for my readers?

Could I write in an honest and authentic way if I knew he was reading it?

Would anyone care to read the blog if I was suddenly happy instead of surly?

I'm not sure I've been able to answer all of those questions, so for now this is going to be a bit of an experiment.  I talked with Milton at length about continuing to write the blog, and he seems to think it will be okay as long as I don't divulge his darkest secrets to the world.  To be fair, he hasn't told me any dark secrets, and he probably won't since I sort of write a public blog about our relationship. Also, this "at length" discussion was only "at length" for a boy - I basically kept asking him if he was okay with it, and he just kept saying yes without expounding for hours upon hours like any decent girl would have done.  Boys....

I'm going to endeavor to write about what I'm feeling with the same truth and sarcasm as I've been doing so far.  Trust me, if it doesn't work, we'll all know it because the posts will suck.  I will probably not be writing date diaries for every date I have with Milton.  That would be exhausting, and frankly, there's only so many times you can read about two people eating dinner and watching TV before you start to look for a razor blade.  I may make exceptions for extra special occasions.

I already warned Milton that he can't text or say really sweet things to me if his only motivation is to be talked about positively on the blog.  I'm on to you, mister.  Nobody is that sweet all the time.

For my part, I do not want the blog to become a substitute for talking to Milton about what I'm feeling.  I can't use the blog to passive aggressively send him messages, as much as I might want to. For example, it would be super inappropriate to write a post about how all I've ever wanted was a French bulldog puppy and that I would be so happy if someone would get me one.  That just wouldn't be right.  I've decided my personal rule will be that I cannot write about an issue, concern, or feeling that I'm having in the relationship if I haven't already had a discussion about it with Milton.  Fair enough?  By the way, I can totally see a point in the not-to-distant future where Milton begs me to blog about my feelings instead of talking to him about it.

Okay, enough of the heavy....

So my last day on the site, I got winked at by a 65-year-old and messaged by a 20-year-old.  It was kind of a nice bookend for my last day of online dating, although I did not find either contact to be flattering.  Both experiences were super creepy, and I feel that neither should be legal for obvious reasons.  Ironically, my response to both guys is the same - I'm not interested in changing diapers.


Today's Updates

• The other day a friend sent me this article about how to date a girl who's been alone for a really long time.  Milton and I had just started dating so I wasn't even reading it with him in mind, but as we got more serious, it was apparent to me that the article was spot on for some of the emotions I've been having.  I mentioned it to Milton the night he asked me to go steady.  I thought about doing a whole post about it, but I'd rather just provide the link and say, "yup, that about sums me up."  Consequently, one of the first comments on the article says, "What a good way to justify being a bitch and crazy."  #truthbomb.
• Apparently Milton told his mother about me today.  He gave me a brief rundown of what he told her, and I just hope I can live up to the hype.  He did not tell her about the blog.  That's probably wise.
• This whole having a boyfriend thing is super weird.  I've been single for so long that I really didn't know what I was getting myself into in starting a relationship.  I talked to Milton about this last night, and he didn't run screaming from the house, so I think he understood where I was coming from.  My personal struggle stems from a few things - 1) I'm very independent, so I'm just not used to having a guy who wants to spend time with me and talk about random stuff from my day.  I'm not used to all the attention; 2) That also means I'm not used to having someone that I want to spend time with and talk to about random stuff; 3) I'm more of an analytical personality, so I tend to, you know, analyze stuff to an absurd degree - For the first time in my life I'm actually jealous of the kind of free-spirited Birkenstock wearing hippie chicks who can just go with the flow and have fun; 4) I'm not sure I make a very good girlfriend.  Milton is so much kinder than me, in pretty much every way.  I'm not sure how he can stand me; 5) I don't want to get hurt.  Who does, right?
• A friend offered me the following analogy for how men and women approach relationships: Women are like elephants and men are like mice.  I was inclined to quit listening after he compared women to elephants, but he urged me to hear him out.  Basically, there's no way the mouse can hurt the elephant, but the elephant is terrified of the mouse.  This analogy was supposed to make me feel better about having all these conflicting emotions that come with a new relationship, but I'm too busy being afraid of the mouse to see the up-side.

He likes me, he really likes me - Date Diary #9

There comes a time in every girl's life where she does the thing she's been worried about doing since she was a little girl.  That's right, I cooked dinner for a boy.  Milton texted me on Saturday and wanted to know if I'd be up for renting a movie some night this week.  Due to our crazy schedules, that night ended up being tonight.  It seemed simple enough, but what started out as a quiet evening ended up having a pretty epic conclusion.  

Pre-Game

When Milton suggested a night in, I offered to make dinner.  It only occurred to me later that I'm not really that much of a cook.  I mean, there's a big difference between what I'm willing to eat and what I'd be willing to serve someone else.  I knew I couldn't go with my recent specialty of a baked potato with cottage cheese, so I came up with a menu that I felt would be somewhat palatable.  I made crock-pot lasagna, roasted squash, and pumpkin muffins.  I started cooking early in the afternoon, and managed to only give myself one scar as a souvenir, so I'll call that a success.  

Aside from that lovely brand from the oven rack, here's how I looked for my date:

The Date

So, I think I was more nervous for this date than any of our previous dates because A) I thought he might kiss me and B) he had to eat my cooking.  My nervousness was split about 50/50 for both those things.  When he got to my house, the conversation was a little awkward, and that's totally my fault. It was just different having a guy in my house; it's not something I have much experience with. It took me a while to find my groove.  Luckily, he brought a six-pack with him.  My groove is always easier to find with alcohol.  

We ate dinner on the couch.  He made the requisite yummy noises, so it seemed like dinner was a hit. We relaxed a little and chatted about nothing in particular, but it was easy and natural.  Finally we started watching the movie.  In an earlier conversation he had been horrified that I'd never seen Super Troopers, so obviously we had to fix that, like right meow.   

The movie allowed us to cross the touch barrier in a somewhat natural way.  We cuddled a little during the movie.  From the beginning, I've found Milton to be incredibly easy to be around, and tonight was no exception.  The movie was fine - not nearly as funny as, say, Office Space, but it held it's own as a broad comedy.  

After the movie, we sat cuddled on the couch and just talked.  About the time he popped his 3rd beer, I knew something was up.  He finally moved the conversation to what he called a "serious topic."  As is my role in these situations, I proceeded to make a series of well-timed jokes to prolong the uncomfortableness.  Milton wrestled back control of the situation and told me, somewhat timidly but with a lot of sincerity, that he liked me.  I could have made him sweat a little, but I figured after eating my lasagna and listening to my jokes, he'd suffered enough.  I told him I liked him too.  And then he said he didn't want to date anybody else, and I agreed - I don't want him dating anybody else either.  I acknowledged it was only fair if I stop dating other people too, but honestly, I haven't been talking to or seeing anyone else for a week now.   

Then a little voice said, "tell him about the blog."  I tried to shut-it up with another pumpkin muffin, but it wouldn't be silenced.  So, I told him.  I figured if we were going to be exclusive, he deserved the whole truth about this project.  His reaction was fine; I don't think he really cared, but I'm sure he's interested to read it.  I'm not sure he loved his nickname, but we both know it was a good fit.  I told him since I was planning to keep writing it, it didn't feel right to keep it a secret.  I sent him the link, so we'll see if he's still fine with it tomorrow.  

Then, after all that, he kissed me.  It was sweet and simple.  And it was perfect.  It's also the most action my sofa has ever seen.  

The Good

• Who doesn't love being told someone likes them?  It's like the best feeling ever.  It's so hard to admit that to someone, but when it's mutual, it's just so perfect.  I appreciate so much that Milton had the guts to start that conversation.  He's definitely pursued me since we first met. That gumption is something that's missing in so many guys, and I feel incredibly lucky to have found it. 
• Our entire dating relationship thus far has been so easy.  I told him tonight that this felt like one of those really rare situations where we both knew, without talking about it, that we were having a good time.  After we had our serious talk, it was like a wall came down and we were able to really be ourselves.  We've always been able to talk easily, but this felt totally different. I'm really excited to spend more time with him on this side of things where we can both breathe a little easier. 
• He pointed out that he missed half a Dallas Cowboys football game to come hang out with me. And they say romance is dead...
• He had great lips - must be all that chapstick. 

The Bad

• Telling him about the blog was difficult, but I'm relieved to not be keeping a secret. Obviously, until we were exclusive, I didn't feel like I owed him any information about it, but once we crossed that line, it didn't feel right to keep it hidden.  I'm very interested to hear his thoughts about it.  A part of me thinks his initial reaction was so calm because he doesn't have a clue what he's in for.  Luckily, he's come off very well on the blog.  Well, all except for that whole Gilmore Girls thing.
• Now that I know he's reading the blog, I'm having a hard time not censoring myself.  Oh, who am I kidding, I've never had trouble being blunt.   

The Ugly

• Zip, zilch, nada....

Today's Updates

• As of about 20 minutes ago, I am no longer online dating!  I hid my profile.  Nobody is more surprised about this than me.  Look for my new self-help book to hit shelves next fall - Online Dating for Beginners: How to Find a Guy in 9 Dates or Less.  Mini celebration in honor of me!!!  Woo-hoo!!!
• The next time we can see each other is Wednesday, because this is just a busy week for me. Not sure what we're doing yet, but I'm not sure it matters. I just want to spend more time getting to know him.  
• Even though I'm not actively online dating, I'm still going to write this blog, at least until Milton shuts me down.  I've got plenty of online dating fodder to get through, plus now I can share all my awkward relationship stories.  I can promise there will be plenty to choose from. First up, Milton is meeting my sister on Friday.  Serenity Now!

Hey, no pressure, but would you please kiss me and meet my sister? - Date Diary #8

I'm not sure if it's the rain or just the exhaustion from having so many dates, but today I'm enjoying a well deserved pajama day at home. This is just the sort of lazy, unproductive activity I'd like to keep any potential suitors from knowing about until long after they've fallen for me.  Agoraphobia, even in its mildest form, is not particularly attractive.

I've been meaning to write this post all day, but between my hectic schedule of catching up on Netflix and taking naps, I just couldn't find the time.  After receiving the 8th text where someone wanted to know how the date had gone, I figured I owed my readers a little something in the way of a date diary.  So here you go...

Pre-Game

Something strange is happening as Milton and I go out on more dates.  This was our 4th date in 9 days, but instead of feeling more comfortable, I'm getting a little more nervous each time. It's not the bad kind of nerves that come from knowing you're about to start a really long evening.  What I'm experiencing are the nerves that come from having a stake in something.  I'm starting to like him, so I know there's risk involved now, and while I'm trying to learn more about him, I'm also trying to make sure he learns the best about me.  It's way more stressful than I would have thought. 

I was having a hard time figuring out what to wear.  I still don't have that many options, and since we've gone out so much already, he's already seen most of my stock.  Luckily, it turned cold this weekend, so I was able to pull out a new sweater that I bought a few months back.  Between the new sweater and my very skinny jeans, I have never felt tinier....except of course when I'm actually standing next to Milton.  

Here's how I looked for my date:

Unfortunately, Milton knocked on my door right after I took this picture.  I jumped as if I'd been caught snorting a line of cocaine.  Taking selfies is just the sort of thing I wouldn't want him knowing about this early in our...well, I'd use the word relationship, but I don't really know what we are yet.  At any rate, I don't have the picture of what I'm feeling like on the inside - just know I was feeling a little nervous, but the good kind.

The Date

Every time I answer the door for a date with Milton, I'm surprised by how tall he is.  It's like when we don't see each other for a few days, my brain forgets.  This is the part where good spatial reasoning skills would be helpful.  I know I will get used to this, but it's still something I think about on a fairly regular basis.  And tall girls everywhere are rolling their eyes thinking, "all I ever wanted was a tall guy, so stop your whining."  I know, I know, champagne problems. 

Milton took me to Mama Rojas and then to see a movie. In his defense, he had planned something else - we were supposed to go to a comedy club - but then he couldn't get tickets to the right show or something so he mentioned that we'd do that next week.  I didn't think much of it, but several guys have now told me that's what a guy does when he likes a girl - get her on the hook for a future date before you've even gone on the date you've got planned.  I can't imagine that guys are that complicated and scheming, so I'm not going to read too much into it.  The conversation in the car was pretty good.   I think we're definitely getting better at finding our groove from the beginning of a date. 

The restaurant was incredibly loud, but I think that always helps things to not be so awkward if there's a lull in conversation.  This was the second dinner date where I ordered a beer and he didn't. He doesn't seem to mind that I ordered one, but it's still weird to drink alone.  Makes me feel like a bit of a lush, but I simply can't eat Mexican food without a Dos Equis.  Conversation throughout dinner was good.  I'm amazed sometimes at our ability to talk about nothing.  By that, I mean that the topics we cover aren't necessarily always deep and meaningful, but we somehow manage to make a conversation out of it anyway.  

Milton had already gotten our tickets to the movie since we were going to the theater at Penn Square Mall with the recliner seats.  I really like how he thinks about things in advance, whether it's changing the radio station in his car before he picks me up or making sure we aren't sitting in the front row of a movie.  We had a lot of time before our movie, so when we got to the theater, they weren't even seating for our showing yet.  We decided to walk the mall a little, which was good. It gave us more time to talk without having to stare each other down across a dinner.  We talked more about our jobs and families.  I'm still impressed by his interest in my life.  After going out with so many boys who could only talk about themselves, it's so nice to spend time with a guy who sincerely wants to know what makes you tick.  Of course, once he really figures me out, he may wish he'd asked fewer questions. Here's the part where it sucks to be vulnerable.  

The Good

• He opened my car door every time!  I've made it my personal mission to really make boys understand how important this is, so I'm going to make a big deal about it every time. 
• He paid for everything, obviously, which I really appreciate.  I'm getting a little uncomfortable about this and I'd like to offer to pay, but it's so awkward and I don't want to emasculate him. I'd love some advice on this, so leave me some comment love.
• He had an umbrella since it was supposed to rain.  When we got to the theater, it was raining enough to use it.  He came over to my side of the car to get me so I wouldn't get wet.  He's so much taller than me, that there was no reasonable way for us both to be under it, but he said, "I don't mind getting wet, I'll just make sure you're covered."  So. Sweet.
• The movie ended up being really good, and bonus, there was no Fifty Shades preview to endure.  
• I commented on a girl a few rows ahead who was clearly taking a selfie, and Milton said he'd actually never taken a single selfie in his life.  Score.
• I had a really good time.  I'm not sure what we are or where we're going, but I know I'm having fun spending time with him.  I'm attracted to something about him that I'm not even sure I can articulate.  It's such a welcome feeling after being so confused about that other nice guy I dated. 

The Bad

• We sat in recliners at the movie theater, so we were basically laying side by side for two and a half hours.  It made it a little awkward to talk before and during the movie since we were both essentially horizontal.  
• He never held my hand either during our walk around the mall or during the movie.  I thought he might try to, but I guess he's just really shy about these things.  I thought about just grabbing his hand, but if I'm being honest, I'm pretty chicken shit myself.  
• The recliners in the theater are made of pleather, so every time someone moves or adjusts their seat, they sound as if they're having some kind of digestive problem.  I laughed internally - I don't want Milton thinking I have the sense of humor of your average 4th grader.  
• The end of the date was a little awkward.  He walked me to my door.  All night I'd been expecting him to kiss me at the end of the date, but he hesitated.  Maybe I should have just stood there and made him make a move, but we ended up hugging again.  It was longer and somehow sweeter than our previous hug, so I still feel like we made progress.  I'm not trying to rush things, but I am getting to the point where I'd like him to kiss me, just to see how I feel about it. By the way, I've started thinking the world is horribly confused about this first kiss situation.  Leaving it until the end of the date is terrible - it's too much pressure. You should really kiss at the beginning of the date, then it's done, and you don't have it hanging over your head all night.

The Ugly

• I created a small mess during dinner when I poured my beer into the salted mug.  I always forget that when the beer hits the salt it creates a mild volcano.  Party foul; My bad. 
• He admitted during dinner that he actually likes Gilmore Girls.  I've got major problems with this, which he now knows all about, because it's not like I ever keep my opinions to myself.  

Today's Updates

• Milton said at the end of the date that he'd plan something for us next week, so I guess we're going out again.  It cracks me up that he doesn't even really ask anymore, but I sort of understand why.  This is one of those rare situations where two people are in sync and just know they're both having a good time. 
• I have a bit of a conundrum.  My sister and her husband are coming to visit me next weekend. They don't visit that often, so I'd sort of like them to meet Milton, but that seems super fast.  I think we could keep it casual with lunch on Friday or something.  I can rationalize this whole thing by making the argument that it's really more like meeting my best friend than a member of my family, since that's really what my sister is.  I think I've decided to just invite him to lunch but be totally okay with whatever he decides.  I'd still love to know what you think in the comments.  
• After having a drought of site activity, this weekend I've gotten some likes, winks, and messages from some new fellas.  At this point, things are going so well with Milton that I'm closer to hiding my profile than I am to responding, but you'll be happy to know that some of these guys will be making appearances in future "between the lies" posts.  

What the fap!

While drinking with a few co-workers at a happy hour today, I received several enthusiastic compliments about the blog.  If there's one thing I know, it's that drunk boys mean it when they tell you they love you, or at least when they tell you they love your work.  And just so we're clear, Mr. F, you agreed to invest $10,000+ in turning this blog into a book.  And I've got witnesses.

I have to say, not being active on a dating site after being very active on a dating site is sort of like being on vacation.  Since I'm not "liking" anybody's profiles, I'm not getting any new messages or winks right now.  It's kind of nice just to be an invisible girl again.  I did have one Amber Alert favorite my profile at about 3am, but I'm trying not to think about that.

That being said, boys are still looking at my profile.  How can I tell?  I'm so glad you asked.  You see, my site has this handy little feature where I can see every time a boy clicks on my page.  It's so great for the stalker in me.  I'm sure the guys realize this, or  actually, they probably don't - sometimes boys are dense.  But I know about it, so I'm careful about what profiles I look at, because I don't want to encourage an Amber Alert, just like I don't want to scare off a Normal.  Looking at someone's profile two or three times is flattering.  Double digits starts to feel like this:

What's more concerning is when a guy looks at your profile way after you've already ended your communication with them or it should be clear you're not going to respond to their messages.  This happens a lot.  A. LOT.  At first I thought it was kind of sweet, like maybe I really am just that hard to get over. After talking about it with some friends, boy did I get an education.  Apparently guys who look at your profile when there's no chance of making a connection are often just using your photos for a little.....suddenly I'm very aware that my mother is reading this, so I want to be careful how I phrase this....."alone time."  I'm so sheltered, this had literally not occurred to me.  They never covered this in Saved By the Bell, which is where I get most of my dating advice.  Unless of course, that's what Zack Morris was really doing with that cardboard cutout of Kelly Kapowski.  Say it ain't so, Zack!  Mind. Blown.   

I'm not going to lie; I'm like 2% flattered. What girl doesn't want to know that she can "inspire" someone in that way?  I hope they're keeping it classy with soft lighting and a romantic soundtrack. Mostly though, I'm revolted.  What I can't figure out is what they see in my pictures that's so....."motivating." None of my pictures are scandalous in the least, and I'm not delusional enough to think that my girls are at all impressive.  I mean, the men's magazines aren't exactly racing to put a B-cup broad on the cover.  At some level (like way down deep, buried under the part of me that's horrified), it makes me want to reconsider some of these guys that can "walk their dog" with only my smiling face for company.  I'm running out of euphemisms that don't make me blush.  I suppose it's a victimless crime, except, well, I feel sort of victimized.  I'm tempted to message some of these guys - you know, something like, "Jesus and I know what you're doing."  But I don't want to give them any encouragement, and I have no doubt that for a lot of these guys, negative attention is still considered attention.

So who's guilty of repetitive profile views? Well, Geek Squad for one (that's not awkward or anything) and a few guys I talked to at the beginning that didn't work out for religious reasons.  I like to believe those agnostics have now found religion and are thinking about contacting me again just to talk about Jesus.  Yes, I live in a fantasy land.  Then there are a slew of regulars that I've never responded to, but they look at my profile every few days, when they're needing a little pick-me-up, I'm guessing.  

To all my admirers, I guess I'm here for you.  Also, please stop doing that with my picture. 

Today's Updates

• I'm getting excited for my date with Milton tonight.  This will technically be our 4th date in 9 days.  That seems like a lot, but I guess that's how you get to know someone.  
• I'm starting to like Milton, like for real.  I'm not 100% there yet, but I'm definitely headed down that road.  Now we're approaching the really fun part where I can get hurt if at some point he decides he doesn't like me.  Although, why wouldn't he like me?  I'm delightful.*

* Actually, I'm more of an acquired taste.  I only come in one flavor.  I'd compare it to key lime pie.  Those who love it really  love it, and those who don't, well they can go screw themselves.....kind of like the boys looking at my profile pictures.  

Because sometimes you just can't wait - Date Diary #7.5

Well, my self-imposed break only lasted about 12 hours, because something interesting happened.

I woke up this morning still pissed about the whole Engi-Nerd debacle.  Opinions were split on how I'd handled it - men seemed to think I'd overreacted, while the women I talked to thought I was 100% right.  Sisters before misters.  Am I right, ladies?

I texted with Milton a little this morning.  I was working to find some perspective for the previous night's events.  I decided that the Lord had simply removed all my other boy distractions so I could see where things might go with Milton.  It's hard to get invested in anybody when you're talking to multiple boys at once.  I think it's one of the real pitfalls of online dating.  Now, maybe I wouldn't have that problem.

Around lunch time, I got a text from Milton.  He had asked me earlier that day what I had going on tonight, and I'd told him my plans had gotten canceled, which was true.  Here's how our conversation went:

• Milton:  So just throwing this out there, but I don't have tennis league until 7.  Would you want and/or be able to meet for a light dinner around 6 at maybe Panera or something similar?
• Me:  You think you can stand seeing me twice in one week?
• Milton:  Not sure I can stand waiting until Friday to see you again!

It was by far the sweetest thing any boy has ever said to me.  And with that one text, I felt the first flutter of a butterfly.  

I was horrified by my appearance - coming straight from work, I didn't have time to get all pretty, but I guess it's best to let Milton know early on what he's going to be dealing with.

We had our quick dinner, and it went well.  I'd consider it a half date since it was so fast, but it was great to see him again.  Waiting until Friday might have made us both more nervous.  In this casual setting, we were able to talk more naturally like we did on our coffee date.  I could tell he was still a little nervous, and frankly, after his sweet text this afternoon, so was I.  It was also daylight, so I was able to get a better feel for what he really looks like.  I know that sounds silly, but our dates have all been at night so it's all shadows and mood lighting.  This was my first really good look at him. Survey says........he's cute!  I'm getting used to the height.  There was no end of the date kiss or hug. It would have been a little strange anyway since all of Northwest Expressway would have borne witness to it.  I'm definitely looking forward to seeing him again on Friday. 

No more updates for today.  I'm going back in the cave now until after our date on Friday.  You know, unless something interesting happens again.  I mean, today sure surprised the hell out of me....in the best way. 

And then there was one...

I have some sad news to report.  Engi-Nerd and I will not be getting married and having babies, mostly because we're never going to meet in person.  Our brief but important (at least for the blog) text relationship ended this evening when he completely freaked out over the prospect of going through with our date.  Here's what happened:

The short version - We texted too long before actually meeting.

The long version - He's a prick.

We had been messaging and texting since September 19 - that's basically a lifetime in the online dating universe.  We had been texting every day since we first started communicating on the site.  We usually talk a bit throughout the day, but he always at least texts me good morning and goodnight. Today was no different, I got my good morning text, and I responded.  He was silent the rest of the day, but that's not unusual.  I didn't start to get suspicious until around 8:30 when I still hadn't heard from him.  We supposedly had a date scheduled for tomorrow night, so I figured he'd get with me at some point about the plan.  After all, this is the guy who texted me a list of questions so that he could plan the perfect date.

I finally texted him, just something innocuous - "How was your day?"  He responded with something about how he'd just gotten home from the gym.  I let about 15 minutes pass, and he never texted anything else or mentioned our date.  So like a loser, I asked him if he was still interested in meeting tomorrow. He responded that he was just going to ask me about that (sure you were), then he said, "I'm thinking maybe drinks tomorrow?"

Drinks?  What the hell is he talking about, drinks?

I got a really bad feeling about the whole thing.  I gave myself a few minutes to think through everything, and considered my options - 1) I could meet him for a really awkward pity drink since it's pretty clear he's no longer interested in meeting me, or 2) call him out on his bull-shit and save myself the trouble of being humiliated.  I went with door number 2.  After all, the last time I didn't follow my gut, I ended up getting molested hugged by Miami Vice.

I sent Engi-Nerd the following text: "It's clear you're not as into this as you once were.  Last week you're trying to plan a dinner someplace I haven't been, and this week you want to switch it to drinks. I'm going to follow my gut on this one and say we should probably just be done."

No. Response.

Here's what I should have said:

Yo, Engi-Prick, what's your deal?  Oh wait, I know, you saw Katy Perry shake her ass for all of Dallas and now you can't be satisfied by a normal girl.  Well, your loss.  You see, there's plenty of guys who are happy to take me to dinner.  They don't seem to have a problem following through with the plans they make, but then again, those guys actually want to be in a relationship.  You, on the other hand, are a 36 year-old bachelor and likely to remain so since you're such a freaking coward. Take my advice, next time a girl catches your eye, do her a favor and don't start the conversation where you're all charming and cute. Just be yourself instead - it will save her a lot of time and energy thinking you actually care about getting to know her.  A year from now, when you're 37 and still all alone, don't call me.  My boyfriend won't like it and neither will I.


Today's Updates

• I'm mentally worn out, and not just from the frustrating conclusion to the Engi-Nerd saga.  I think I need to take a few days off from this whole experiment and recharge.  With that in mind, I won't be posting any blogs until after my next date with Milton......unless, of course, something really interesting happens.  I wouldn't leave you guys in the dark like that.  
• Little does Milton know, he's just been granted 1000 bonus points for not being an ass-hole.  See fellas, it really is that easy.

A nervous date with a side of dinner and a movie - Date Diary #7

This has been by far the busiest week my little love life has ever experienced.  I had 3 dates with 2 different guys, and it was not nearly as fun as I imagined it would be. Dating is so exhausting.  The silver lining is, I never have to cook anymore.  Luckily, I only have 2 dates next week, so that should feel more like a vacation.  Now for the details of my second date with Milton. 

Pre-Game

 

I had all day Saturday to be lazy, but instead I ended up going to a co-workers going away party.  It was fun.  I didn't know many people there, but going on all these dates lately gives me lots of good stories to share with strangers - kind of like a live version of the blog.  Sometimes all my ego needs is a fresh audience.  I left the party around 6, which only gave me about a half hour to get ready. 

 

Here's what I looked like - not bad for a 30 minute turnaround (maybe it's bad form to pay myself compliments):

 

Second dates are strange because there's some anxiety about whether the good parts of date one will be magnified or missing in date two.  So, that left me feeling sort of like this:

 

 

You'll notice I sort of recycled my outfit from my date with Miami Vice.  What can I say, if a look works, you work it hard.  In my defense, I had washed it so it wouldn't reek of my last date.

 

The Date

 

Milton was perfectly on-time.  When I answered the door, I was surprised to see him a little overdressed.  He was wearing tan slacks and a nice button-down shirt.  I suddenly felt a little janky in my denim shirt and grandma sweater, but there was nothing I could do about it.  He didn't say a word about the phonebooks rotting on my front porch.  Now I'm thinking I should just leave them there as a test for future suitors.  That would dovetail nicely with my master plan to be super lazy and not throw them out.

 

The conversation when we got in the car was a little forced. This surprised me, because our conversation on date one was so great.  I sensed that Milton was a lot more nervous this time around.  Perhaps he's been burned on so many first dates that he doesn't even get excited about them anymore, but a second date...that's legit.  He changed the radio station once we started driving because he remembered I don't listen to country.  If I had to come up with one word to describe this guy, it would be considerate.  He listens to everything I say and can recall details of those conversations days later.  That's rare, folks.

 

When we got to the restaurant, he had made a reservation so there was no awkward waiting.  By that point, he had warmed up a little, but we still hadn't found our groove.  I should probably recognize my own culpability in this.  After being on so many dates lately and a party earlier that day, the introvert in me could really use a few days of silence.  It's possible I didn't bring my A-game along for the date. 

 

We perused the menu - sushi involves so much reading!  He was a little timid in ordering.  I asked him if he liked sushi, because I had a suspicion he had picked this restaurant just because I had mentioned it was one of my favorites.  He acknowledged that he had picked it for that reason, but that he could eat sushi even though it wasn't particularly his favorite. See what I mean?  Considerate.  We settled on a few rolls and waited for the food.  I had ordered a beer, and he didn't.  He didn't seem to mind that I did, but I still found it a little strange.  Although, I went on a date the other day where the guy asked if I was okay with him having a drink because he was driving, so maybe that was Milton's hesitation as well.  One of the rolls I ordered had eel in it.  I'll admit, this was a bit of a test.  I like eel, but it's not for everybody, and I wanted to see how broad his palate could stretch.  He admitted that it wasn't his favorite, but he certainly ate his half no problem. 

 

Conversation through dinner was much better.  We found some good topics, and I learned a lot more about his family.  He was very cognizant of our time, but not in a weird way.  I'm so used to having to be "in charge" when I'm out with friends, so it was nice to be with a guy who can take the lead on that stuff.  This must be what it feels like to relax.  The movie was good - not great, but not terrible.  I think I was a little too tired for a 9pm flick, but I managed to stay engaged.  The conversation on the ride home seemed forced again, but I feel like we were both tired at that point, and it's just hard to be sociable sometimes in those situations.  I will say, I don't think sitting in silence with this guy would be that awkward.  He's pretty comfortable to be around.  Another rare quality.  

 

 

The Good

• His car was clean and so was his driving.
• He opened my car door for me every time!  Such a big deal, fellas!  Seriously!
• Once we broke the ice a little, the conversation was good.  There's something I like about looking at his face while he talks.  He's so genuine and pleasant.  He makes it very hard not to like him.  I'm still not in the romantic zone, but I'm definitely interested in spending more time with him.
• Listening to him talk about his baby sister was a real treat.  You can tell how much he loves her when he starts talking about her - his eyes light up.  So. Cute.
• He walked me to my door when he took me home.  The end of the date stuff wasn't really that awkward. We both said we'd had fun, and then he said, "Well, I'll give you a hug."  I appreciated that he took charge a little and didn't just leave me wondering what I was supposed to do.  We all know what happens when I'm given a little too much rope.  The hug was okay, not as invasive as the one I got from Miami Vice (thankfully), but definitely less awkward than the one I shared with Old Ginger Spice.  He stood on the sidewalk while I stood on the porch, so it helped even out our height a little.   
• He didn't ask me for another date last night, but he texted me this morning and asked if I'd like to go out again on Friday, so I said yes.  The way he asked was so funny - it wasn't as much of a request as I would have expected.  He said, "My next early day at work is Friday, would that work for you to go out again?"  I don't know what we're doing yet, but I'll just see what he plans.

The Bad

• His chopstick skills need a little work.  He asked the waiter for a fork about half-way through the meal. The waiter gave him the normal condescending eye roll one has come to expect from such establishments and then proceeded to bring a large tray containing a fork resting on a palate of cloth napkin. It was quite a show - basically saying, "Hey look everyone, this newbie wants a fork." That plus the fact that I made a little joke about getting him a kids set made him buckle down and give the regular chopsticks one more try. After stabbing at a piece a few times, he commented, "This is so strange, usually I'm so good with food on a stick."  Deflecting with humor - Point, Milton.   Hope he didn't leave the restaurant too hungry. 
• We did more walking on this date, so I got a chance to see what it feels like to stand next to a guy who is 6'5".  I've never felt more petite. 
• I'm still disappointed that the conversation wasn't better throughout the whole evening, but I think he was more nervous for whatever reason, so I'm going to try not to worry about it for Friday's date. 

The Ugly

• One of the previews for our movie was Fifty Shades of Grey. I cringed internally as soon as it started. I'm not sure why, it's not like we're not both adults. But I think we can all acknowledge that watching pretty people partake in a little BDSM is not what you're looking for on your second date.  After the preview ended, Milton leaned over and whispered, "That's not what I thought that movie was going to be about at all. I thought it was about old people, sort of like Cocoon." I'm 90% sure he wasn't serious, but either way it definitely lightened the mood. 
• He mentioned maybe playing tennis together at some point.  He's a pretty decent player and actually plays in a few leagues.  The only problem is, I play tennis about as well as a two-year-old plays Jenga.  I'd hate for him to see how uncoordinated I am just when things are going so well.  He assured me, he was a patient instructor.  We'll see.

Today's Updates

• I have slowed down my activity on the site until after I go out with Engi-Nerd and see how things progress with Milton.  I just feel like trying to juggle more than that right now would push me over the edge. 
• I've been texting with both Milton and Engi-Nerd off and on all day.  I still feel a little like I'm cheating on both of them, but I know that's not true. 
• I got a text this morning from Miami Vice, so I guess he didn't quite get the hint.  I never responded, so I'm hoping that will put an end to it.  If I get any more texts from him, I'll send him my standard "let's just be friends, with the understanding that we are in no way friends" message.  



 

Just a little bit of me being me

Now that I've been online dating for a full month, I wanted to take a minute to talk about why I decided to try this in the first place and share a little bit about what I've learned so far.  Like I've tried to do on the blog all along, this post will be as honest and authentic as possible.  Just understand, it's not in my comfort zone to talk about feelings and other warm fuzzies.  Apologies if this all ends up sounding like a cheesy after-school special. 

Why, oh why, did I do this?

For about the past year, I had been supremely unhappy about a lot of different things.  My job was a major source of the problem.  My company was going through some massive changes, and everyday felt like a useless management experiment.  When I'm facing stress or anxiety from something like work, I tend to deal with it by creating anxiety about other areas of my life.  The phrase misery loves company comes to mind, but in my case, I create my own terrible company by generating new issues for myself.  In this case, I got frustrated over being single in a part of the country that considers it a character flaw to be single past the age of 25.  It probably didn't help that I'd recently turned 30, a veritable romance expiration date for a normal mid-western girl. 

In January, after about 3 months of being bummed out, I decided to make a few changes.  I joined Weight Watchers at work, and I decided to try to expand my circle of friends and experiences by implementing an "always say yes" policy for my social life.  To clarify, the "always say yes" really only extends to social invitations, I'm not just giving it up to anyone who shows interest.  I think it's safe to say both of these changes have yielded excellent results.  I've met so many new people over the past 9 months just from going to random parties or outings - always when I'm invited; I'm not a party crasher, although that would make a pretty awesome blog too.  Normally, if I was invited to something where I wasn't going to know many people, the introvert in me would decline.  I wouldn't say I've had a killer time at everything I've attended, and I certainly haven't met "the one," but I have absolutely made some new friends.  As far as Weight Watchers goes, I've lost about 40 pounds, and I look and feel better than I ever have before.  Here's a before and after just so you can see the difference:

 



July 1, 2013
(Ignore the Justin Bieber balloons - my friends think they're super funny)

  

September 7, 2014

But even with these two big changes, I was still all alone.  Cue the melancholy ballad. 

About a month ago, I read a travel memoir, as I often do.  I love reading about people who risk everything and move to foreign countries without any idea how they're going to pay their bills.  It's more exciting than any thriller, because it's about a real crazy person pulling a real crazy person stunt.  The book was called The Paris Letters.  It was about a woman in her mid-thirties who lived in L.A. and had a successful career in advertising, but she wasn't satisfied.  Sound familiar?  Someone in her life suggested she make one small change and see how her life would change because of it.  So, she decided to start writing in a journal everyday and finally be honest in those pages about what she really wanted to do with her life.  Through that small daily exercise, she discovered that what she really wanted to do was give herself a break from her normal life.  Between selling all her possession and saving all she could, she saved up enough money to live in Paris for one year.  Once she was there, she figured out a way to make enough money through her writing and artwork to be able to stay.  Now she's married to a hot Polish butcher, and she's a successful writer and artist.  Basically, she's my hero. 

My first Paris Letter!

That got me thinking about what small change I could make that might help me to find a bit more happiness in my own life. As an aside, the way she makes her living, besides selling books, is so fascinating.  Basically, she paints a Parisian watercolor every month, writes a letter about Paris on the painting, copies it, and mails personalized editions out to people who subscribe to these letters through her Etsy shop.  Here's a link if you'd like to check it out - Paris Letters.  After reading this book, I decided that I wanted to be a part of her journey as well, so I subscribed to her letters for 1 year.  I got my first letter the first week of September.   I signed up for online dating and started this blog the day after I got my first letter.  Guess I favor large changes over small.  The timing was sort of a coincidence, but now I'm really excited by the symmetry of it all - I can see how my life changes over the coming months as I get my new letters.  I can already tell a huge difference in my attitude, just from the energy that comes from having a new project. 

Have I learned anything at all?

If you've read my previous posts, you know I've learned plenty about the process of online dating over the last month, but I've also discovered several things about myself along the way.  Here's just a sample of some of the more valuable lessons:

1. Relationships involve risk - you have to put yourself out there a little bit in order to get anything back. 
2. I'm better at flirting than I thought I was.  I spent most of my life thinking I had zero game, but that's not really true.  I may not be at an Olympic level yet, but I can definitely hold my own at the version for people who are missing limbs and things. 
3. The only guys who will "favorite" my profile on the site are Amber Alerts.  This is an absolute.
4. I have to use emoticons when texting or else boys can't understand my sarcasm.  This makes me sad for lots of reasons.  :(
5. First dates are really difficult.  I haven't found a way to make them painless yet, but I'm working on it.  The good news is, practice makes perfect.
6. There's just no substitute for following your instincts.  Luckily, I have a great bull-shit detector.  The few times in this journey I haven't followed my gut, I've regretted it.
7. Boys who start their messages with some version of "please have my babies," have no intention of raising babies.  As an additional parting gift, you will probably get hepatitis.
8. Contrary to what history has taught me, some boys do want to go out with me more than once. 
9. While girls are often better looking in pictures than in person, the opposite is often true for boys.  Mostly I think this is because boys don't realize how menacing they look when they don't smile in pictures.
10. I am a catch, and I don't have to settle.  I kind of already knew this, but it's been good to really get that lesson to sink in.

Shameless Plug Time

Polar Bears

Orphans

My Love Life

If any of these causes speak to you on a personal level......it's probably one of the first two, but the fact that you're reading this post tells me you care about my love life a little bit.  I just want to say thank you for sticking with me through this incredibly long post.  And truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for reading my blog and commenting either through the blog, by email, or in person.  I really appreciate every compliment or bit of constructive criticism I've received.  Being able to share my experiences with you all has been a real pleasure. 

The whore in me would like to share this blog on an even grander scale.  You'll notice this blog doesn't come with annoying ads or a PayPal link so you can give me money, but all that is about to change.  For $0.16 per day, the price of a sheet of paper, you can be a part of history.  Okay, that's not true - I have no idea how much a sheet of paper actually costs, and I'm not going to start asking you for money. 

What I would like is a little help getting the word out.  If you've been reading this blog and you've enjoyed it, please consider sending the link to 5 friends, coworkers, family members, etc. who you think might find it funny.  I know many of you have already been sharing it with people (thank you!!), but, you know, please think of some more people. 

Today's Updates

• Miami Vice has not texted me today, so I think he got the hint.  Whew!
• Preview of coming attractions - I'm really looking forward to my date with Milton tonight.  I'm very interested to see if we can talk as easily as we did on the first date.  Stay tuned.
• Engi-Nerd and I have texted a bit today.  I really like a lot about his personality, at least what I know of him through messages and texts.  I really need to meet him to see if this could be something or not.  Depending on how things go with Milton, this could get complicated, but I will just have to worry about that when it becomes an issue.
• Today I'm going to a co-workers going away party.  The old me would have looked at these situations with a little bit of dread, but the new me is excited about the prospect of meeting new people and putting my new flirting skills to practical use.  Look out world, I'm on the prowl. 



 

Death by a casual dinner - Date Diary #6

Surprise!  I just got home from a date with Miami Vice.  In hindsight, I'm not sure why I wanted to go out with him in the first place.  It probably had to do with the fact that I haven't slept in 2 days.  My judgment is clearly impaired.  There were enough red flags in our emails and texts to have avoided this, but since I've survived the date, you at least deserve to hear about it. 

First a little background...

From the first email, I have been on the fence about this guy.  He seemed a little forward.  And by that, I mean that he called me cute within the first 6 messages.  I'm always suspect when a guy mentions something physical before we've switched to text.  It has never ended well, and tonight just further proved my point.  However, most people seem to find a little mention of attraction to be a good thing, so I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. 

We texted off and on all day, and just like yesterday, he kept mentioning meeting in very flirty ways, but wouldn't get on with it.  In my sleep deprived state, and with dates with Milton and Engi-Nerd looming overhead, I finally demanded that Miami Vice either get serious about meeting or move on.  So, he got serious about meeting and suggested we get together for a casual dinner tonight.  Be careful what you wish for.

Pre-Game

 

Since this was supposed to be a casual dinner, and I was becoming increasingly suspicious of Miami Vice's motives, I didn't even change clothes from what I had worn to work today.  "Yeah, that'll show him," I thought.  The problem with that theory is that it's predicated on the idea that a guy will be able to tell if you've put any effort into your look or not.   They can't.  Plus, it's not like I look homeless or anything when I go to work.  I'm a classy career woman.  I look the part.  By virtue of the fact that I showed up for the date, he felt like he'd won.  There's nothing I could have done in the looks department to sully that victory.

 

At any rate, here's how I looked for the date:

 

 

 

The Date

 

We were supposed to meet at a burger place that he picked based on his suggestion of a casual dinner and my hankering for a cheeseburger.  He picked a location of this particular chain that's in Edmond even after I suggested there was a new location closer to both of us.  He wouldn't be swayed.  Oh well, some people can't be saved.  He was late meeting me because he had to handle some work calls.  When he finally showed up, the restaurant was so crowded that we decided it would be better to go someplace else.  Here's where I'd like to point out that we probably could have eaten at the other location just fine because it's not as busy.  Why can't the world just get on board with the fact that I'm right almost all the time? 

 

I decided to ride with him to the next restaurant.  In a lot of ways, this was risky, but I'd vetted him through some current and former coworkers who knew him, so I was pretty sure he was harmless.  I could tell based on our incredibly forced conversation in the car that it was going to be the longest date ever.  He had a hard time deciding on another restaurant, so when he finally suggested sushi, I readily agreed.  By that point, I would have settled for a Slurpee and a burrito at the local 7-11.  This guy, who is so flirty and forward by text, is an emotionless brick wall in person.  His expression never changed the whole night. 

 

When we got to the sushi place, the hostess handed him one of those disc-shaped pagers from hell and told him it would be about a 25 minute wait.  I almost cried.  We waited outside because it wasn't too cold, and PRAISE GOD, the little pager went off about 5 minutes later.  We ordered beer and sushi and settled in for the long wait that usually ensues at any decent sushi establishment.  The Lord smiled upon me again, because the sushi arrived very quickly.  The food was good.  The conversation was not.  The beer was necessary.

 

 

The Good

• It was getting pretty difficult to juggle 3 different guys, so I guess I'm glad to get this guy out of the lineup.
• He was perfectly nice, and he paid for dinner which I appreciated.

The Bad

• The conversation was so difficult.  Since we have both worked for the same company in the past, that's pretty much all we had to talk about.  He has a good job, and is no doubt good at it, but talking about work gets really old after about 10 minutes.  I tried to get other topics going, but he just couldn't expound enough on any topic to sustain the conversation.  He didn't really ask me many questions, so the conversation felt very one sided.
• Even if I thought the conversation could improve - I mean, everyone's entitled to be nervous on the first date - the physical chemistry wasn't right.  He's handsome enough, but it's just not there for me.
• The sushi place was really loud and had TV's all over the place showing various sports games.  I've never been to a sushi restaurant/sports bar.  Miami Vice was looking about 6 inches above my head most of the night.  Finally, I looked behind me to see a wall-mounted television showing a cat litter commercial.  I called him out on the fact that the commercial could not possibly be more interesting than what I was saying.  He responded with assurances that there was a football game on and he was adept at multitasking.  Awesome.

The Ugly

• When he took me back to my car, he walked me to the door, and we stood there awkwardly.  He mentioned going out again, and I sort of side-stepped by making an incoherent noise.  Hopefully he'll take that to either mean no or that I'm not mentally competent.  Either way, fingers crossed it gets me out of a second date. 
• He hugged me, like for real, and for a long time.  Now I know how Old Ginger Spice felt.  As I'm sitting here writing this post, I can still smell his cologne.  And I've already changed into pajamas.  I fear the scent has permeated my skin and will be with me forever.  To be fair, it's not a bad scent, but I'm not sure I want it to be my signature scent.
• He texted me that he had a great time and that he thought we'd had great conversation tonight.  Were we on the same date?  He also mentioned that he regrets not kissing me.  I.....I can't even....no......

 

 

Today's Updates

• I'm obviously not going to go on a second date with Miami Vice.  I am happy to be able to close that chapter and move on.  We'll see if he asks me out again, but I figure if he continues to text me, I'll just let him down easy.  Now if I could just find a way to get rid of the smell...
• I've texted with Milton a little bit today.  He has planned our date for tomorrow - we're going to go eat sushi (I know - two days in a row) at one of my favorite places in Bricktown and then go see a movie.  Normally, I wouldn't want to go on a movie date so early in getting to know someone, but we'll have dinner before, and then who knows if we might do something after the movie.  Plus, I know our conversation skills are solid, so it's just a matter of finding out more about him, which just takes time.  I've given him my address and asked him to pick me up for the date.  I feel perfectly safe doing this.
• I've also texted a little bit with Engi-Nerd.  He sent me a selfie before he got on the road to Dallas.  That's the 3rd time he's sent me a selfie since we've been texting.  I've never asked him to send those pics, and to his credit, he's never asked me for one in return.  Being a self-respecting hater of the sorority sister movement, I have not sent him one, mostly because I don't take any.  However, after receiving his pic today, I decided it would only be fair if I sent him one, so I sent the pic at the top of this post.  He thanked me for it and commented that it was a great picture of me and that I am "quite attractive."  I am very uncomfortable with everything that happened here, but I think I did the right thing.  When in doubt, I try to remember WWNGD - What Would a Normal Girl Do?

 

 



 

 



A whole latte fun - Date Diary #5

Coffee date - 1
My ability to sleep after drinking caffeine past 7pm - 0



There are so few times in life where you are genuinely pleasantly surprised.  Mostly, I build up my expectations so high that when I experience whatever I've been anticipating, it has no chance but to fail.  A good example of this is having a job as an adult.  When I was a kid, I used to "play" office with my friends.  We would write fake memos, answer fake phone calls, and fire our stuffed animals for under performing on the job.  Now that I get to play office for real, I have a hard time remembering what was so fun about it.  I think the reality of it failed to meet the high expectations I had set.  There's also the possibility that having a job just bites the big one. 

I am happy to report that my date with Milton exceeded my expectations in pretty much every way. 

Pre-Game

We weren't meeting until 8pm, so there was no need to sneak out of leave work early.  I had planned to just change clothes and spruce up a bit, but after attending a fundraising event at work where I was forced to stand near a large body of stinky pond water for about an hour in the afternoon, I had that not-so-fresh feeling.  Even though this date was going to be more casual, I decided Milton deserved my best effort, which tonight included a full shower. 

Here's how I looked for my date:

If you're a dedicated reader of the blog, you may have figured out that I basically have 3 versions of the same shirt that I rotate for first dates.  If I ever get a boyfriend, I may have to do a little shopping.  Although if he's a typical guy, he probably won't notice.  I wasn't too anxious or over excited about this date, so I was feeling pretty much how I look like I'm feeling. 

The Date

I only live about 7 minutes away from the Starbucks we were meeting at, so imagine my surprise when I got a text from Milton as I was leaving the house to let me know he was already there.  I love how on all the dates I've been on so far, the guys have been pretty punctual.  That's a trait that's definitely missing in my generation, but it's always appreciated.  When I got there, he was easy to spot because he's 6'5".  Somehow I had missed that in his profile.  Had I known, I probably would have worn heels and spent the better part of today worrying that he was going to be too tall.  Sometimes ignorance is bliss. 

The Starbucks was somewhat busy when I got there, so I introduced myself, and then we got in line.  He had already gotten a drink, which was fine.  I never get drinks at Starbucks that have calories anymore, but I had decided that tonight would be special, so I got my first pumpkin-spice latte of the season.  Yum!  He paid, which I think made it taste even better. 

I had worried that our message chemistry wouldn't translate to real life.  We exchanged a few pleasantries while waiting in line but pretty quickly hit on some good topics, and the conversation began to flow really naturally.  I think I can safely say, this was the most natural conversation I've ever had with a relative stranger.  We floated from topic to topic as if we were old friends.  Even when there was a lull, it wasn't awkward or difficult to pick back up.  He was definitely interested in talking about me more than the other dates I've been on recently.  He asked me really good questions, and I felt like we were both able to share stories about our lives.

He mentioned that he's only been on the site a few months, but that he's already been catfished.  Yikes.  Why would anyone do that?  It's like you're sitting at home posting fake pictures and information about yourself thinking, "He'll never notice that I'm not a 5'10" hot, blond pediatrician.  It's not like he has eyes or good short-term memory."

The Good

• The conversation was great!  It was so natural and easy.  He was a great listener, and had really good things to add to every topic we covered. 
• He has a good job and definitely has a responsible, steady lifestyle.
• There's something about the overall chemistry that has good potential.  I wouldn't say I have romantic feelings for him yet, but I definitely want to get to know him better and see where this goes.  
• The end of the date wasn't awkward.  There was no kiss or anything - I mean, I may be dating multiple guys at once, but I'm not that easy. We stood for a few minutes in the parking lot, and we both went through the whole "I had a great time" routine.  Then he asked me if I'd like to go out again on Saturday night, and I said yes.  He's supposed to call or text with a plan.  

The Bad

• He plays video games more than I'd like, but I get the feeling he does it more for a social outlet than a genuine addiction.  I'll keep an eye on this.
• He alphabetized his movie collection by actor.  I use the past tense, because I promise you that after my compelling and passionate speech about all the ways in which this is ridiculous, he won't be doing that anymore. (shudder)
• He applied chapstick twice during the evening, but he acknowledged that it was weird. The first step to addressing any addiction is admitting you have a problem.

The Ugly

• I'm not sure there really was anything legitimately ugly about the date. I don't want to make it sound like it was perfect, but the whole night was pretty comfortable. 
• Okay, I guess I can come up with one thing in this category, but it's really more funny/awkward than ugly. Towards the end of the date, we were still sitting at the table, and all of a sudden, he jumped out of his chair.   At first I wasn't sure what happened, but I thought, okay...I guess he's ready to go. Turns out he'd gotten a leg cramp. I did a pretty good job of not laughing too much to his face, but I've definitely laughed about it plenty ever since the date ended.

Today's Updates

• I got a message late last night from a new prospect.  During our message exchange today, he mentioned that he really likes to visit Miami, Florida.  At least I hope it was Florida.  I'm going to be really disappointed if he meant Miami, Oklahoma.  He didn't really specify, but who wants to vacation in Miami, Oklahoma?  Anyway, his name shall henceforth be known as Miami Vice.  We switched to text late in the afternoon, and kept up a good banter through the early evening.  He's a little flirtier than I'm used to, so I'm going to proceed with caution.  He used to work at my company, so I'm using my sources to try and find someone who knows him who can tell me if he's a good guy or not.  He asked me out already, but my schedule is pretty tight right now, so I think I can keep him on standby while I wait for more information from my network of spies.
• I texted a tiny bit today with Engi-Nerd.  This is par for the course in our prior communications.  We can text a lot one day and not much the next, so there's no cause for concern.  Sometimes he calls me "chica," which, as a borderline feminist, should offend me, but there's something about it I like.
• I think OU Enthusiast #1 has moved on to greener pastures, which is fine.  Happy trails to you; I wish you all kinds of luck finding a girl who wants to watch football and mountain bike.  He was moving way to slow to be a legitimate contender, plus I think 3 men is the most any socially awkward 31-year-old girl should be expected to handle at once, while maintaining a full-time job.