What started this whole thing was Milton getting charged for the automatic renewal of his own online dating account. He texted me this morning to say he'd gotten it refunded. I mentioned that I should probably cancel mine just to avoid the auto payment issue he'd faced. But even though we're totally in love and definitely a couple, it still felt like a really official step to take. Plus, a part of me wants to get my money's worth out of things, and leaving over a month of a subscription on the table felt like getting robbed. That led to this exchange:
- Me: If you were a betting man, what would you say are the chances I'll need to online date again before March?
- Milton: Shut it down. There is a 0% chance you will need it.
There's something so romantic about your boyfriend telling you to shut down your online dating account over a month before the expiration date. You can go ahead and put that sentence in the category of "things our grandmothers would never have said about love."
Romance in this modern age is defined a little differently than it was back in the pre-war era....and mind you, I'm talking about Vietnam. Pre-1970 or so, the things women wanted from a relationship, and later a marriage, were things like security, companionship, and a partner to help build a family. Love was a factor, but it was towards the bottom of the list after all the practical things a marriage must provide. The romance of a marriage was in the little things - the guy who had a steady job that allowed his wife to focus on the family and home, the father that played with his kids and coached the soccer team, the husband that took out the trash while telling his wife how beautiful she looked in day-old pajamas.
Then feminism came along and mucked everything up.
Suddenly women were supposed to be, not just able, but delighted to provide their own security in the form of professional and financial independence. We could have a family by ourselves with the use of a sperm donor or through adoption. Companionship fell totally by the wayside as we started building pseudo families out of our friendships - composed mostly of other single women in our age group. In the post 1970s crowd, love is what women want first out of a relationship. Anything less than toes tingling, heart racing, palms sweating, all-consuming romantic love is deemed settling. Society has been quick to indoctrinate us with the idea that romance only exists in perfectly choreographed flash-mob style proposals, spur of the moment weekend getaways to exotic locales, and, if you subscribe to the Fifty Shades approach, getting the shit beat out of you with a leather whip.* People forget that the kind of romantic love I've just described rarely leads to the kind of steady, committed relationship needed to traverse the daily banalities of making breakfast, getting kids ready for school, and paying the water bill.
Over time, the little things in a relationship have become lame in comparison to what society deems a romantic gesture. As a consequence, how we define love has shifted dramatically, and in the name of feminism and exerting our independence, we've tricked ourselves into being discontent with a healthy relationship.
Before I take too much credit for these big ideas and broad, unsubstantiated facts, I'd like to point you to a book I just read (twice actually, it's that good) about how women approach dating and relationships. It's called Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. I know, I know, you're already pissed just based on the title, but I promise I would not steer you wrong or waste your time with a bunch of nonsense...well, no more nonsense than this blog usually is. In this book, author Lori Gottlieb lays out the case for what's wrong with how women approach dating, and how with a little bit of effort, we can actually get out of our own way and find a meaningful relationship while we're still young enough to have the family feminism has scared us into denying we actually want. It turns out it's not about settling; it's about compromise.
To be clear, I still consider myself a feminist in a lot of ways. I definitely want the opportunities to seek out a satisfying career (which I have) and build a life for myself while waiting on or instead of getting married (which so far, I'm doing). But I think it's important to remember that with all this independence and opportunity, we can't neglect one inescapable fact - If you want a husband, you have to get married, and that doesn't just happen because you want it real bad. It takes some effort.
If you are a single, independent woman, and you want to be married, you should read this book.** I would even argue that there's some fantastic pearls of wisdom to be gleaned from its pages for those women in relationships, marriage or otherwise. You may find it helps you to focus on your partner's strengths instead of their weaknesses. I can't be the only person who suffers from a case of overactive analyzer syndrome. Anyone?
I was already playing around with the ideas the book presents before I read it, and thank goodness for that! I'd spent the past 10 years or so being really upset about being single. I was tired of all the trite condolences that people had to offer:
- You'll find love when you stop looking. So I'm not supposed to notice single people in my social circle?
- It's all in God's time. Okay, yes this is true, but it doesn't make you feel better while you're standing in another pitiful single-girl mosh pit trying to catch a wedding bouquet.
- You're such a catch, I can't figure out why you're still single. Me either.
I thought the reason I was single had to do with men being shallow. I assumed that the Lord would just drop the perfect guy at my feet, and if that wasn't happening it was only because the perfect guy was too busy chasing after someone thinner and with fewer opinions. But it was becoming increasingly clear that my being single had more to do with my bad attitude and unreasonable expectations about relationships, coupled with my unwillingness to admit that I had the power to do something about it.
Something changed in September that prompted me to give the online dating thing a try. I'm not sure what it was exactly. Maybe it was that "God's timing" thing I didn't want to hear about, but whatever it was, it allowed me to try online dating with an open mind. I approached it like I was interviewing people for a job - if a candidate had the basics of what I was looking for on paper, I would give them an interview. So if the guy had a profile with a few commonalities to mine, and he messaged me, I gave him a shot. If he asked for a date, I went on a date - even if the messaging wasn't stellar (so long as I didn't get the stalker/raper/kidnapper vibe). I tried as much as I could not to let superficial, subjective criteria keep me from meeting someone. And I really made an effort not to compare the guys on the site to the imaginary man I had dreamed up. The result was a few dates that were terrible and a few dates that were nice but not really what I was looking for.
And then I fell in love. The rest is (hopefully) history.
Without even realizing it, I formed a relationship using the ideas and advice contained in this book. But even as I was doing it, I was measuring my feelings against society's definition of love - did I have enough butterflies, was he saying and doing the right things, was I saying and doing the right things, was the relationship progressing too fast/too slow/not at all? You have to fight these kinds of irrational, ingrained views on what a relationship is supposed to be.
Milton hasn't jetted me off to a romantic weekend getaway, and he definitely hasn't organized a flash-mob style proposal (by the way, Milton, these are not hints), but he definitely keeps the romance going in a few ways that might surprise even him:
- He pursued me from day one. He kept asking me out and planning dates. This seems simple, but at a time when hanging out casually at a guy's house, going halve-sies on a pizza, while watching a football game counts as a date, this is actually pretty huge. He never left me wondering if he was going to want to see me again.
- He locked things down by initiating the "define the relationship" discussion. Having a guy who will take charge on those serious discussions is amazing.
- He gave me his real phone number from the beginning. This was a sweet little revelation he told me about a few weeks into dating. He had a work number that he used for online dating so his potential dates wouldn't be able to stalk him if they turned out to be crazy, but for some reason, when it came time for us to exchange numbers, he gave me his real one. I'm the only girl he met online that got his real number.
- He brought me a case of bottled water one time when he noticed I was running low. Seriously, this was huge!
- He casually told me a story about his day that involved helping an elderly person in a serious health-related crisis - a crisis so bad, most men would have called for help as they left the scene. This is actually when I started to fall in love with him, because it speaks to his character.
- He's chivalrous. He opens my car door every time we go anywhere. When we sit at a table, he always pulls my chair out for me. He helps me with my coat and even carries my purse when asked (for short periods of time, at least). We walked by a puddle one time and I jokingly asked him if he would lay his coat over the puddle so I could walk across it. He said he wouldn't have to because he could just carry me across the puddle. Just the thought of being with a guy who can lift me is kind of hot.
- He cares about my safety - whether it's when we're out together or when I'm driving home at night or on a road trip, he wants to know I got home safely.
- He listens when I talk, and he actually remembers what I say.
- He's not shy with affection. He holds my hand in the car and at the movies. He rubs my back when we're standing in line at the store. When we watch TV on the couch, he'll bend down and graze the top of my head with his. He always kisses me hello and goodbye. But....
- He's not insecure about my need for occasional space. He wants me to pursue my hobbies, even if that means time away from him. He wants me to take a day off from spending time with him if I'm in need of a little mental recharge.
- He sings for me. This may sound a little mushy, and to be honest, this one surprised even me. Everyone in his family kept telling me what a great singer he is, but apparently he refuses to sing for people. One night we were driving around, and I asked him to sing me something, not thinking he would since his mother had assured me that was not going to happen. But I guess he just needed a fresh audience.
- He will spend hours holding me, if that's what I want/need.
- He doesn't shy away from serious discussions, and he's confident enough to share his opinion before hearing mine, knowing that we may disagree.
- He tells me he loves me. And he means it.
- He also tells me I'm beautiful...no matter how much I resist believing it. I'm working on it.
- One time, he even told me I was perfect, but I don't want to spend too much time trying to believe that.
- He will reminisce about our love story as many times as I want him to. I like to play a little game with him where, out of the blue, I'll ask about what he was thinking when he first messaged me or texted me or saw me walk into Starbucks on our first date. I'm not sure he understands the point of the game, but he plays along because he knows I like to hear it.
The reason I like to reminisce about our love story is because I feel so much optimism about how the story might grow. I don't want to forget one tiny speck of how it began. I'm excited about all the little things and big things I might get to add to this list of what is romantic about our relationship. And I'm so abundantly thankful I spent the past few months building a relationship with the guy who (so far) is perfect for me instead of chasing after the guy who's perfect (and doesn't exist).
* I should acknowledge, I have never read the Fifty Shades trilogy, nor will I. I will not be one of millions of women watching the movie on Valentine's Day. This trilogy is one of many things that are wrong with the world. You can wax poetic about the benefits of a little BDSM in your physical relationship all you want, but I bruise easy, and I have a hell of a right hook. Go ahead, I dare you.
** Seriously, read this book. Buy it for your friends, and then figure out some way to accidentally leave it at their houses or something, because giving a relationship self-help book to a single friend can definitely be more than a little awkward.
