This week, on a very special episode of The Matchbook Diaries...

I feel like this is one of those rare serious episodes of a traditionally slap-stick comedy - you know the one where the main character gets pressured to smoke pot at the party after prom, or the dad finds condoms in the daughter's purse.  The laugh track isn't used as much in those episodes, but you can rest assured the whole thing will end with a heart-to-heart and lots of tears and hugs.  Then next week, it's back to prat-falls and bathroom humor.

Well, last night I had to tell Old Ginger Spice that we weren't going to be seeing each other again.  We had fun on our date on Saturday, but I was 100% sure at that point that we weren't going to work.  It's so difficult, because he's truly a great guy.  We should work.  He matches up to so many things on my imaginary list of demands, except that pesky requirement that I actually need to want to be with that person.  There's no doubt in my mind that Old Ginger Spice and I could have kept dating and maybe even ended up in a long-term (dare I say marriage) relationship, but I would not have been happy.  I would have been settling.

I've seen plenty of people my age and older who find themselves in a relationship like this, and out of a desire to have a family, they choose to make it work.  But more often than not, those relationships end up failing because the couple "grows apart."  It's easy to let that happen when you weren't really cemented together in the first place.  I don't want to think that perfection is possible, but I'm not ready to give up on the dream of finding a guy who really makes me feel something.  If it's meant to be, you shouldn't have to force it.

I ended up calling things off by text.  I went back and forth on this and decided that 3 dates didn't warrant a phone call.  Maybe that's me being a coward - this method certainly was easier for me - but I think it was best for him too.  This whole situation is awkward enough without putting him on the spot to respond to rejection in front of a live studio audience.  This way he could be alone and process for a minute and come up with a response that he was comfortable with.  I'll be the first to say I'm terrible at this relationship stuff.  I just don't have enough experience with it.  I felt like Old Ginger Spice liked me a lot; this was the first time I found myself in a situation where a guy liked me more than I liked him.  I definitely know what it's like to be in his shoes.  

Here's what I said:

So I've been doing lots of thinking.  We've gone out 3 times now, and it's been great getting to know you.  I'm not sure where you're at on this, but I'm just not feeling what I should be feeling at this point to continue dating.  This will sound cliche, but it's totally true - you're a great person, and I like a lot of things about you.  I can't articulate why the chemistry isn't there for me, but it just isn't.  Thanks so much for planning great dates.  Maybe you're on the same page as me, and if so, that's great.  If not, I'm really sorry.  I just think at this stage I'd rather be honest than waste anyone's time.

About 20 minutes later, he responded:

I've had a really good time getting to know you too and spend time with you.  In many ways, I felt we definitely were in sync together, albeit I was a bit slower in others.  Truth be told, I was always a bit bummed once the dates were over because you are such an incredibly funny, witty, and intelligent woman to be around.  I was always looking forward to the next time to see you and talk to you.  I completely understand if that's how you feel.  If you have second thoughts in the future, don't hesitate to give me a shout.....In my circle, it's a bit rare these days to find someone to have such great, enjoyable conversation with...

And.......that made me feel horrible, but I know I did the right thing.  I have zero regrets about ending things.  He's the right guy for someone; he's just not the right guy for me.  This is what's hard about dating.  When I started this project, I only thought about what it would be like to find the right guy, or avoid the occasional (or not so occasional) creep.  I didn't consider what it would be like to have to discard the great guy who just isn't great for me, but it's a package deal.  You can't just skip to the good parts. 

So, do you think I handled this the right way?  If I find myself in a similar situation down the road, what should I do differently?


Today's Updates

• Engi-Nerd is now my number one prospect.  We're still texting.  He mentioned meeting again in a flirty way, but he just doesn't follow through when that happens, so I think I'll be bold and ask him to meet for real.  Or maybe I'll give it one more day.  I'm such a chicken.
• Remember Borat?  Yeah, that guy.  He's still messaging me just to "check-in with me."  I haven't responded to his last 4 messages.  Take the hint, buddy.
• Oscar and I have exchanged a few more messages, but I don't get the feeling that this guy is very serious in his pursuit.  That was made obvious today with his last message.  I should have followed my gut in message two when he asked if I thought he was attractive.  Today he asked me if I had plans for tonight.  I said my plans had just gotten cancelled (which was true), thinking I could be spontaneous and meet him for a drink if he asked.  Then he responded with "nice, are you affectionate?"  I think this question is super weird, especially when he's asked me precious little in our few previous messages.  Maybe I'm overreacting, but I feel like this guy is just looking for a hook-up.  I'm obviously not that kind of girl, so he's out with the garbage, so to speak.  This is yet another good lesson in following my instincts. 
• I've received messages from 2 new guys that are much more promising than the last 2 new guys who messaged me.  The first is a pretty normal, almost bland guy I'll call OU Enthusiast #1.  There's not much in his profile that's real interesting but nothing too alarming either.  He's cute and he sent me a message - not a unique one - he said, "How are you?"  It was pretty special.  We'll see where this goes.  He's already way ahead of Oscar, in my book.
• The other guy is more interesting.  He just looks like he has a good personality from his profile.  In his first message he mentioned that we had the most important thing in common - a love for the movie Office Space.  For that reason, I'm going to call him Milton.  We also share something I find more important - we're both dedicated Christians.  We've been messaging off and on today, and I'm cautiously optimistic to see where this goes.  If anything, we can have fun bouncing Office Space lines back and forth.  "Excuse me, sir, but I believe you have my stapler." *

* If you're not getting these Office Space references, first of all, why are you reading this blog?  It's clear you don't like to laugh.  And second, go right now and buy a copy.  Don't bother renting it, because you will love it, and then you will have wasted $2 on renting a movie you're going to buy anyway.  You can trust me, I'm a lawyer. 

Lions and tigers and bears.....and still I feel nothing - Date Diary #4

There's something about starting your Saturday off with a date that really makes you feel good about yourself.  I don't know why I didn't do this years ago.  Oh wait, I remember why.  Nobody asked me.  But that all changed today.  I had my 3rd date with Old Ginger Spice.  We went to the zoo, and had a great time.  Later, I'll tell you all about how I'm probably never going to go out with him again, but first, the date details. 

Pre-Game

 

I'm sure by now, you all are getting tired of looking at pictures of me in the same selfie pose, so this time, I'll just let you imagine how I looked.  Oh fine, I can hear you yelling at me from your computers at home.  Here's the picture.  I would apologize for the poor lighting, but this is not a professional photography blog, and I rarely apologize for anything. 

 

Here's how I looked for my date:

 

 

Whoops, my bad.  That's actually a picture of some really friendly rhinos at the zoo.  Here's how I actually looked for my date:

 

Now picture that, covered in sweat, no make-up left, with my hair plastered to my head as if I'd just gotten out of the shower, and you'll have a vague idea of how awesome I looked at the end of the date, but we'll get to that later.

 

The Date

 

Old Ginger Spice was about 10 minutes late picking me up, but he let me know by text.  I'm sensing a theme with him.  Our conversation was a little forced at the beginning.  He commented for the second time that I still had phonebooks languishing on my front porch.  Listen buddy, my phonebooks are my business.  Don't go trying to change me into some Stepford version of a woman who doesn't let junk mail pile up outside her front door.  It's my one white-trash, dysfunctional quirk.  Deal with it.  Also, there may be more than one.

 

Once we got on the road, things got a little better, but I knew pretty much from the beginning that this date was going to be an exercise in futility.  That's a horrible feeling.  I'm going to try to bottle it for future situations where I don't think there's long-term potential.  I originally accepted this date because I wanted to be really sure before discarding this guy.  He's so great on paper, and we should work perfectly, but we just don't.  I didn't want to still be single six months from now and lament the really nice tall guy who I let get away.  So on that front, I'm glad I gave it one more shot. 

 

The zoo was a really fun date location.  It was beautiful weather, at least to start - by the end it felt like we were walking around on the surface of the sun.  Surprisingly, the zoo wasn't too crowded.  There was plenty to see, so that took the pressure off having to have constant conversation.  The animals seemed to understand what I needed and were on their best behavior.  Old Ginger Spice commented several times that the animals were particularly, well, animated. 

 

 

The Good

• He opened my car door again every time.  It still means as much to me today as it did on our second date.
• The date didn't cost him any money!  I was feeling guilty about accepting a third date when I was almost sure it would be our last, but he has a pass to the zoo that got us both in, and we didn't end up eating or anything, so it was a free date.
• It was really fun to go to the zoo - I hadn't been to the OKC zoo yet even though I really like zoos, and I've lived here for like 5 years.

The Bad

• In person, Old Ginger Spice is a lot less charming and a lot more awkward.  I don't know if he's just nervous, but his jokes fall really flat.  There's a chance I'm just reading his messages through rose colored glasses, but I think he really is more charming by text.
• The physical chemistry just isn't there.  I had a friend suggest that kissing him might help me decide, but I literally have no desire to kiss him.  That's a pretty clear indication that I'm not feeling it.

The Ugly

• By the end of our stroll around the zoo, I looked like I'd wrestled with a gorilla in the dirty hippo water.  Not attractive.  Note to self, don't choose date activities where you will be outside for an extended length of time in sweltering OKC weather.   
• When he dropped me off, he unbuckled his seat belt.  The last time a guy did that, I got the hell out of there, (because it had literally been the worst date ever) and the guy ended up patting me on the back. Not wanting a repeat of the awkward hug incident, or ugh, maybe more, I exited the scene as non weirdly as I could. 
• This is the end for Old Ginger Spice and me.  I'm glad we tried, and if nothing else, I learned a lot more about what I'm looking for in a serious relationship.  The idea of finding a guy that likes all the same things that you like is a nice idea, but in practice, it may not be the kind of guy you really want.  That's valuable information. 
• I didn't end things with him today.  I probably should have, but I chickened out about the time he unbuckled his seat belt.  Now I need to exit in a way that's kind but honest.  Suggestions?  I know 3 dates does not equal a relationship, but I feel like I need to at least tell him that we're not going to go out again. I feel bad, but I'd feel worse if I just started ignoring him.

 

Today's Updates

• Now that I'm mentally done with Old Ginger Spice, I feel more free to talk to other boys.  Now I just need other boys to start messaging me. 
• I'm texting with Engi-Nerd.  It's a little slow going.  I'm not sure what this guy's issue is.  I don't think he's the one necessarily, but I wouldn't mind meeting him if only for the awesome blog content it would provide.
• Referee is still messaging me.  We're up to 36 emails and counting.  Neither of us has died yet, so we'll keep going.
• A few other guys have winked at me or liked my profile.  I've liked a few of them back, so we'll see what happens.  They all seem to be 40+.  Nicknames to follow.
• Oscar hasn't messaged me back, so maybe I'm the one getting dumped.



Dear Kind Sir with Undiagnosed Dementia

Well, I'm spending my Friday night writing this post for my moderately popular online dating blog, so obviously online dating is going really well for me.  And now for what's quickly becoming my favorite series - Letters to crazy boys I'll never respond to in real life.  This week, I'm playing fast and loose with the word boy.  I received my first official wink from a senior citizen - he was 63 and clearly not playing dominoes with a full set of tiles.  Enjoy. 

Dear Kind Sir with Undiagnosed Dementia:

First off, kudos to you on the above average computer skills.  The baby boomer generation is pretty hit and miss when it comes to being tech savvy, but you've managed to learn a new skill in your advanced age.  Guess it's not true what they say about old dogs and new tricks.

When I got your wink, I initially tried to give you the benefit of the doubt.  The most logical explanation was that you'd fallen and simply couldn't get up.  Obviously your dating site app was closer than your Life Alert button.  That wink was a cry for help!  I also considered the possibility that you'd gotten some kind of old person ointment in your eye.  It was probably meant to help with your cataracts, but with your vision compromised and your mental acuity impaired, you confused a real wink with a virtual one. Common mistake.  It could happen to anyone.

Assuming you actually meant to hit on me, what did you really hope to achieve?  You are more than twice my age.  I realize the school system is teaching new math these days, but I'm pretty sure they covered good old-fashioned subtraction in the one room school house you no doubt attended.  Any guy whose age is more than double mine is going instantly into the pedophile category.  I considered reporting you to the site administrators for inappropriate activity, but after a thorough reading of the user agreement, I didn't see where having delusions of grandeur was a reportable offense.

From a brief reading of your profile, I understand you were so focused on your career that you missed out on love and a family, but I'm not sure why I should have to suffer for your lack of self-awareness.  You've been retired for the last decade, so the fact that you're still looking for that special someone is a bigger red flag than your liver spots.

How would this work anyway?  You'd pick me up around 3:30 for a romantic mid-afternoon dinner at the local Denny's; we'd forgo the stroll around Lake Hefner because your hip just can't take the humidity, so instead we'd stop by Walgreen's for a Metamucil night-cap, followed with a multivitamin chaser and a little blue pill.  Ugh, I just grossed myself out.....Metamucil.....yuck!

I appreciate that you don't mind the age difference.  I'm sure to your buddies down at the VFW, you'll be an instant hero, but what would we talk about?  I'm sure you and my dad would have a lot in common.  You could bond over all kinds of things.....Vietnam, the invention of television, how weird it is that women can wear pants...and vote...the possibilities are endless.  But I'm looking for someone who can sit back and watch Mad Men without telling me how things really worked back in the 50s.

Take my advice - turn up your hearing aide, because you're going to want to hear this.  Once you're a senior citizen, don't hit on women more than 10 years younger than you.  If you want a nurse, file a medicare claim.  I won't be interested for another 20 years at least, and by that time you'll probably be chatting up the hot new cafeteria worker at the nursing home.  She won't be interested either, but she'll keep you on the chain with offers of extra banana pudding and buttermilk.  Score.  For now, as far as I'm concerned, go peddle your Fixadent Fresh routine somewhere else. Unless, of course, you've got Bill Gates kind of money, and then.....maybe.

Sincerely,

The girl who's young enough to be your granddaughter


Today's Updates

• Old Ginger Spice called me Wednesday night to chat.  We talked for a few minutes, awkwardly, I might add.  In a world were all my communication takes place through a screen, I think I've forgotten how to have a normal phone conversation.  He asked if I would be interested in going to either a food truck festival on Friday night or the zoo on Saturday morning.  For a second, I considered saying no to both and just having the uncomfortable "it's not you, it's me, okay, maybe it's a little bit you" discussion.  Instead, I stuck with my earlier plan to give this guy one more shot.  I chose the zoo option.  There didn't seem to be much point in going to a food truck festival with a guy who's proven he's not adventurous enough for food truck cuisine.  Plus, a Friday night date felt like more pressure than a Saturday morning stroll through the zoo.  We'll see how it goes. 
• Referee is still messaging me.  Yesterday's email was really special.  It said, "Have a great Thursday!"  This guy's got major game.
• Engi-Nerd is still in the running.  He hasn't mentioned meeting, but he did ask to switch to text, so I gave him my number.  I could be bold and take the next step to ask him out, but the last time I was bold, I ended up hugging Old Ginger Spice, so I'm going to give it a few more days.
• I've gotten messages from two new guys - the first one is a teacher who went to some college with Appalachia in the name, so that's what we'll call him.  Appalachia seemed somewhat promising, despite the troubling nickname.  He had an okay face (somewhat similar to Geek Squad), but he looked like he was interested in a wide variety of things.  He winked at me, I liked his profile, then he messaged me.  His first message was a laundry list of random things he liked that he wanted me to respond to.  The list included things like denim skirts, football, cowboy boots, dancing, and cooking.  I went against my better judgement and responded.  His next message talked about how he's looking for a girl who can wear a "sexy pair of jeans and cowboy boots, but can also rock a denim skirt and heels."  No doubt this would be the costume required for cooking and dancing.  I'm not sure why he thinks those two outfits are mutually exclusive in your average girl, but I think his premature use of the word "sexy" will end our communication.
• The other guy is a rather aggressive gentleman who just moved to OKC from Iowa.  He works on the corporate side of Waste Management, so we'll call him Oscar (as in the grouch).  Oscar also seemed somewhat promising, although his first message was a little over the top.  He mentioned that he was new to OKC, and feeling spontaneous, and he wanted to know if I had plans for that night.  First of all, back-up a bit - we don't know each other.  He also commented that I was beautiful.  Well, okay, who's going to argue with that?  So I messaged him back and just asked a few normal questions.  He responded with answers, then threw on at the end, "Do you find me attractive at all?"  I messaged him back that I thought he was handsome, but a little forward.  I'm turned off when a guy wants to talk physical characteristics in the first few messages.  I get a real hit-it-and-quit-it vibe.  However, a friend cautioned me that people from Iowa can be a little different.  Since I have no evidence to refute this, I'll give him until Monday to see what he's about before kicking him to the curb.  Monday is my neighborhood's trash day, so that seems appropriate.

What will people say when they hear that I'm a Jesus freak?

The whole online dating thing is such an emotional roller-coaster.  One minute, you're being winked at by hot boys left and right, and the next minute the only people that want you also attend sci-fi movie premieres in full costume.  Trust me fellas, I would only disappoint as Princess Leia.  I'm missing two very key ingredients.  Of course, I'm talking about her buns. 

 

I'm going on 3 weeks of this experiment, and I was starting to get a little depressed about my lack of attention from the Normals.  However, I got these two fortune's today at lunch, so maybe my luck is changing.  Coincidence?  I think not.

 

Now that I've put my love-life in the hands of Chinese poppycock, it seems like a good segue-way to today's discussion about religion and online dating.  Specifically, where are all the Christian Normals?

 

Finding a Normal is a heck of a challenge.  Trying to find a Christian Normal is like trying to find a recipe for brownies that has no calories.  It's such an enticing idea that you keep looking, but way down deep you know you're searching in vain. 

 

And now I kind of want a brownie.  Can I get an amen?!?

 

My profile is pretty clear about what I'm looking for.  I mention no less than 3 times that I'm a Christian, and I'm looking for someone who shares that belief.  Yet, I still get guys messaging me who clearly could care less about the Lord.  In addition to the straight up Atheists and Agnostics, I get a lot of guys who say, "I believe in God, but I don't believe in organized religion, so as long as you don't try to change me, then we'll get along fine."  I've got a couple of problems with that attitude:  (1) Organized religion isn't evil.  It's merely believing in God in an organized way, like with a building to meet in and a weekly schedule of activities.  Saying you believe in God but don't believe in organized religion is like saying you believe in professional football, but you don't believe in the NFL.  You make it sound like I'm a member of Westboro or something.  To be clear, I very rarely protest things.  (2) Don't warn me not to change you before we've even met.  It makes you sound rigid and opposed to compromise - two things that are very attractive in a future husband.  Good luck finding a woman who fits your super specific wish list - traditionally, women who like working on cars and playing fantasy football are into...well...other women.

 

That's not to say there aren't any Christian men on the site.  When I do a search of all the guys in Oklahoma City within my age range, I get over 2000 hits.  When I filter that based on compatible religion, the hits drop to a measly 154.  Still, that's a decent pool to choose from.  Now, based on my unscientific analysis of the ratio of Normals to Amber Alerts, let's say that 80% of those guys aren't datable for other reasons that will become apparent when you read their profile and/or look at their pictures.  That still leaves 30.8 guys to choose from.  I assume the .8 guy is a little person.  That's okay, I don't mind dating short.

 

So why haven't I heard from the 30.8 Christian Normals?  By the way, spare me the groundbreaking realization that I'm not on a Christian dating site.  Trust me, I chose my site intentionally.  I've had friends on the so-called Christian site.  There were no more Christian's on that site than on mine.  The world is just a terrible place. 

 

My profile has been looked at recently by several guys who seem to be a good fit from a religion and non psycho-killer perspective.  I've even liked a few of their profiles when I can tell that they've looked at mine, but alas, still no messages.  My pessimistic side (and let's be honest, I only have the one side) thinks it's because I don't fit the supermodel standard they  have for their future wife.  I can't do anything about that.  Could it be that when they read my profile, they think I'm not churchy enough?  I suppose I could take off that part about not liking Sarah Palin, but I hate to remove something from my profile that says so much about my very core as a human being. 

 

Perhaps I should pray about this more.*

 

 

Today's Updates

• Old Ginger Spice and I are still texting.  I'm still very conflicted about whether I should go out with him again.  To be fair, he hasn't asked me, but he is still texting me, so I have to think a 3rd date request is coming.  I've asked everyone and their dog for advice on this, and the masses are split 50/50.  The dogs come down a little heavy on the yes side, but I suspect they think I'm going to give them a treat if they nod their head.  I'm leaning, ever so slightly, on the side of going out with him again if he asks.  Here are the reasons I've come up with:  (1) we're still just getting to know each other, (2) the conversation on the second date was better than the first, (3) I may be putting too much pressure on the whole physical chemistry thing, (4) I'd hate to be too hasty in rejecting a guy without giving him a chance to really be himself, (5) he still texts me funny things occasionally, and (6) contrary to popular belief (at least South of the Mason-Dixon line), three dates does not equal an engagement, so maybe I should just relax.  I'd still love to know what you think if only to add new depth to my confusion.
• I'm still messaging with Referee.  At this point, I'm just responding to see how many messages we can exchange before one of us dies of boredom.  So far, we're at 33.  Through this intense conversation, I've learned that he sometimes ref's for basketball, and he likes lasagna.  Watch your step, it's getting pretty deep over here.
• I'm still messaging with Engi-Nerd.  He sends me one really long email per day.  They're not as charming as Old Ginger Spice, but I can tell he's probably more what I'm actually looking for in terms of physical chemistry.  I don't want to let my expectations get away from me like they did with Old Ginger Spice, so in an effort to ground myself in reality, I read all Engi-Nerd's emails in a Pee-Wee Herman voice.  In yesterday's email, he made a flirty comment about buying me dinner.  I hope that means he's getting close to asking me out for real.  I tried to be flirty back.  If that results in a date, we'll know my powers are getting stronger.  Today he actually sent me an email to say he was heading to Tulsa to go to a concert, but that he would write me a "proper and decent email tomorrow."  That's pretty considerate for this low-stakes stage, but it was definitely appreciated.  I'll keep you posted.

 

 

 

 

 

* I feel the need to point out that I'm being serious when I say that.  By now you've probably figured out that I can be sarcastic from time to time, but there are two things I don't joke about - being a Christian and John Cusack.  Okay, sometimes I joke about John Cusack.  Like just now.

 



My first repeat customer - Date Diary #3

I had a friend ask the other day (as a joke) if the date I was going on that night was a new client or a repeat customer.  It made me feel like a high-paid hooker, in the best sense.  Well, last night I had my first repeat customer. 

I was not as excited about the second date with Old Ginger Spice. Our first date left me a little confused. Our conversation was okay, but the more I thought about it the whole evening felt a little awkward. First dates, to some extent, are like that. It doesn't help that I've got this unrealistic version in my head of what a first date with "the one" is supposed to feel like.  I won't give you the full description, but it involves a spotlight and an 80's ballad.  I think you get the picture.  I've heard from so many friends about how they knew on the first date that they had met their future spouse. You don't hear too many people wax poetic about how the first time they met "the one" they were indifferent or turned off by certain characteristics. It's just not very romantic. Are most people lying? Perhaps the more common story is the slow build-up to love.  Unfortunately, that makes for a lousy movie.

Pre-Game

 

I only work until noon on Fridays, so I had all afternoon to get ready.  Mostly I just watched TV.  I knew we were going to an independent film festival, but it sounded like we'd be walking around outside a bit, so I wanted to dress cool enough for the sweltering summer heat.  To be clear, I consider any temperature above 72 degrees to be sweltering.  I had the added pressure of dressing for a hipster crowd.  Isn't it ironic that the social group that's supposed to be above conformity and pettiness is actually the most judgmental of all?

 

My wardrobe is limited, but I was able to find a flowy tank top for the occasion:

 

 

I wasn't sure what to think about this date, which left me feeling a little like this:

 

 

The Date

 

I had given Old Ginger Spice my address and told  him to pick me up.  I think you have to go with your gut a bit in online dating.  He felt harmless on our first date, so I was comfortable taking this next step.  In your own online dating journey, this is totally your call.  Never feel bad about being more cautious if that's what your gut is saying.  Although, mostly my gut just demands cheesecake and Grey Goose, so what do I know?

 

He was pretty close to being on time.  He had texted me to let me know he was going to be a few minutes late.  His car was a normal sized sedan, which surprised me, because I'd decided he was so tall he would never fit in a regular car.  My mistake.  You'll notice "good spatial reasoning skills" is nowhere to be found on my profile.  His car was very clean - definitely a plus.  I can't tell you the number of horror stories I've heard from friends who've dated guys who drove around in little more than mobile trash cans.  Boys, listen up:  if your car looks like the Unabomber's shaggin' waggon, you're probably not getting a second date.

 

We were late to the film festival because he admittedly hadn't checked the time of the event very carefully.  No worries, I was essentially just along for the ride anyway.  The venue was tiny and pretty much held together with duct tape.  I was sort of expecting this.  Lack of financing is the trademark of any good Indie establishment. We snuck in and stood at the back because the few seats were already filled.  This was no big deal.  The screenings were underway, but they were all less than 10 minute films, so we weren't in there for long.  He tried to whisper talk a few times, but it was awkward - first because we hadn't reached that level of intimate, close-quarters talking, and second, he's just so tall...or maybe I'm just so short - rarely do I look at my own shortcomings (Ha!) as the source of the problem.

 

After the screening, we walked around looking at food trucks for a bit, but he's such a picky eater that he couldn't find anything palatable.  I personally could have eaten a meal from any of the trucks available.  We finally walked down the street to a pizza place I had never been to.  It was good.  Of course, that basically made for the second date in a row where we pretty much just had dinner.  This time, I'm happy to report, the conversation was better. 

 

Here's the highlight reel:

 

The Good

• He opened my car door every time!  This is a big deal.  I don't expect it because hardly any boys do it anymore, but when it happens, it definitely makes an impression.  Boys, take note - this little act of kindness will pay big dividends.
• His car was clean, and so was his driving. 
• He seemed more comfortable this time.  The conversation when he picked me up was a little more forced, but that was the last time we had a lull pretty much the whole night.
•  He texted me when he got home to tell me he had fun.  I replied that I'd had fun too. 

The Bad

• The physical chemistry is still off.  It's a sights and sounds problem - his body language and voice just don't jive with me for whatever reason.
• He didn't walk me to my door.  In his defense, he was probably just worried I would try to hug him again.  Don't worry, Old Ginger Spice, I promise I will never do that again.
• He's a very picky eater.  I've got plenty of friends whose significant others share this affliction, but it's not my favorite trait.  And for the record, no, potatoes don't really count as a vegetable.

The Ugly

• This is the part where I'm really confused about what I should do.  I don't feel anything for this guy.  Should I go on a third date just to see if something can develop, or is it time to call it what it is? 
• Some people have advised me that at this stage my only concern should be whether or not I'm having fun on the date.  If I'm having fun, then go on another date with that person.  By that measure, I guess I would go on another date, but is that really the only consideration?  Maybe if I was still in my twenties that could be my guide, but I'm not necessarily looking for new friends.  While I had an okay time last night, I don't have a single opinion or feeling about ever seeing this guy again.  What I mean is, if you told me I'd never see him again, I'd be fine with that.  If you told me he was going to be at a friend's dinner party tonight, that would be okay too.  Make sense?  Yeah, I'm confused too.

 

Today's Updates

• I obviously don't know what to do about Old Ginger Spice.  I'm pretty sure he's going to ask me out again.  He's texted me a few times today and I've responded.  I'd love some advice on this, so comment it up!
• I'm still messaging with Referee, but he's got a textbook case of pen-pal-itus.  I don't think our conversation is going anywhere.
• TaxMan has never responded, so I'm putting him in the "What's wrong with you?" category.
• A guy I'll call Engi-Nerd (his own nickname for himself, I might add), messaged me.  He's not a nerd at all.  He is an engineer - the fancy aerospace kind.  He seems cool.  We're still in the initial phases of messaging, so maybe I'll have more to report later.
• Since this starts my 3rd official week of online dating, I'm taking some bolder steps.  I've started liking the profiles of guys that look at my page if I think they have potential.  This, plus the fact that I've been on 5 dates in the last decade, has me feeling all kinds of slutty. 
   







I'm the one wearing the large sombrero - Date Diary #2

Dating sucks.  I'm way over it.  Like way, way over it.  After a long day at work, the last thing I want to do is get all dolled up and go meet a stranger to make small-talk in a way that makes me seem attractive while simultaneously trying to figure out if the guy is a weirdo.  It's exhausting!  In an effort to be the best version of yourself, you end up being the least authentic version of yourself.  But, alas, I'm still single, so it looks like I'll be playing the dating game for now.  So here's the low-down on my date with Old Ginger Spice.

 

Pre-Game

 

I was able to leave work a smidge early again - this time with supervisor approval - and go home to get pretty before the big date.  I wore a slightly similar outfit to last Thursday's date, but this time I wore heels because Old Ginger Spice is way tall. 

 

Here's what I looked like:

 

 

Even my feet were happy:

 

 

But this date had a lot more potential than my last one, so on the inside I was feeling like this:

I'd been distracted all day, thinking about this date.  I was definitely putting way too much pressure on myself and this mystery guy.  We had emailed and texted for so long that it felt like I knew this guy a lot better than I actually do.  It felt like that moment in You've Got Mail where Joe Fox is about to meet his mystery email buddy and he tells his coworker something to the effect of, "this person is the single most adorable creature I've ever come in contact with; if she ends up looking even as good as a mailbox, I'd be crazy not to marry her right now."  So yeah, lots of pressure.

A friend with some online dating experience pointed something out to me today that was interesting.  She mentioned that the thing that's so difficult about online dating is that you can get to know the big stuff about someone, but your brain fills in the rest without you even realizing it.  You can know if someone is smart or witty based solely on their texts, but you can't hear their voice, hear their inflection, see their body language, etc.  Your brain, in an effort to help you (or potentially ruin your ability to be normal), will fill in those physical details based on what you really want this person to be.  That may have little or nothing to do with who that person actually is.  And all those preconceived ideas are extremely unfair.  But, oh, it's so hard not to let your mind play with you on this.  All that to say, yet again, lots of pressure.

The Date

 

I got to the restaurant a little early.  I had never been there before, so I didn't want to be late just because I couldn't find the right entrance.  I parked near the restaurant, between two cars, so I could see the entrance but Old Ginger Spice wouldn't be able to see me if he walked in.  By the way, dating makes me feel a little like a secret agent on a stakeout. 

 

He sent me the following text:  "I got here a bit early so I procured a table.  I am wearing a large sombrero."  So. Cute.

 

I walked in and he was easy to spot - not because he was wearing a sombrero obviously, but because he waved me over in a fairly enthusiastic manner.  Yet again, the beginning of the date was the worst part.  I guess I just have to get used to this part being terrible.  I went with my old standby, "how was your day?"  It worked, yet again, but I'd still like to work on a more creative opening for future dates.  After that point, the conversation flowed pretty well, but it felt very much like a first date conversation - which, for the record, feels something like an interrogation.  At one point, I felt like I was asking all the questions, so I decided to just let the conversation die and see if he would take over.  It was sufficiently awkward for a few seconds (felt like years), but he did ask me a question, so good for him! 

 

He was a little more uncomfortable about talking about how we met.  He didn't seem to want to tell me how long he'd been on the site for fear that it would make him seem like a loser.  I assured him that with the amount of craptastic profiles available, a little discernment was not a bad thing.

 

Here's your highlight reel:

 

The Good

• He's a Christian!  He self described as a very liberal Baptist, which I think is great.  He attends church every Sunday, which is awesome.
• He's cute - he has a very Edward Norton quality to his face and expressions, which is a good thing.  Am I right, ladies?  Edward Norton can be creepy (Primal Fear, anyone?), but he can also be very charming.  He's like a hot guy who also looks like he can do math.
• He's very nice, and we share a lot of compatible interests.
• He texted me when he got home to say he had a nice time.  I replied the same.
• I'll give him a second date if he asks.  For the record, I'm making him ask this time.

The Bad

• I'm not sure the physical chemistry is there.  I can't quite articulate the issue in a way that doesn't seem overly picky, so I'll just leave it at that.  Suffice it to say, you can't force this, and only time will tell if this is something that will improve. 
• I felt like we were running out of things to talk about towards the end, but I think what this boils down to is that first dates are just really hard. 
• I'm not sure he ever got comfortable.  He was much more reserved and shy in person.  I suspect it will take him a while to be as charming in person as he is by text.  I'm not sure we'll make it that long, but you never know.

The Ugly

• Towards the end of the date, his phone rang, and the ring tone was "Yeah" by Usher.  Actually, that's not ugly, it's just hilarious. 
• And speaking of the end of the date, that was rough, and it was mostly my fault.  Let me just say, boys are the worst at ending dates.  We stood at the front of the restaurant awkwardly for a few seconds just staring at each other.  I can only assume that at that moment I had a tiny brain aneurysm, because that's the only explanation for what happened next.  I hugged him.  I. HUGGED. HIM.  Those who know me best are dying right about now, mostly out of embarrassment for me.  For those who don't know me, let's just say, I give the worst hugs.  Imagine the worst hug you've ever gotten.  I'm worse.  I promise. Of course, I may have met my match, because Old Ginger Spice was pretty much just as bad.  Although, I did sort of attack him.  The poor guy never saw it coming.  I'm humiliated.

Today's Updates

• Old Ginger Spice and I have been texting a little today.  Umm, while I was writing this post, we've been texting more, and he just asked me to go to the 48-hour film festival tomorrow night.  I accepted, and I told him to pick me up.  Here's hoping he's not a psycho-killer.  To be clear, it's not 48 hours long, it's just a contest of films that were made over a 48 hour time period.  I'm less excited for this date, because the mystery factor is gone.  I'm glad it's a date where we're doing something.  The pressure of a face-to-face dinner is not something I want to try again with this guy for a while.
• I'm still messaging a little with Referee, but I'm not sure it's going anywhere.  TaxMan has not responded to the last message I sent.  Not sure what's wrong with him.  I suspect he is a moron.
• I'm ignoring messages, winks, and likes from a few other guys.  Trust me when I say, this is the right move.  

 

 

 

 



 

 





Dear My (not so) Little Pony

From time to time, although more often than I'd like, I receive a little site activity from an Amber Alert situation.  Regardless of the manner of contact, (wink, like, favorite, or message) I don't respond.  A friend gave me some good advice when I started this whole thing.  She cautioned that as much as I'll feel like it's mean not to respond, it's better not to start a dialogue unless you're sincerely interested.  And boy was she right.  I've responded to a few messages from people that I really didn't see any future with, and I've always regretted it.  So now, I heed the warning, and I don't respond.  But sometimes, I'd like to, if only to point out to these individuals all the ways in which we will never work.  Then I remembered I have a blog.  Ergo, the following letter:

Dear My (not so) Little Pony...who won't stop winking at me, liking my pictures, and who recently saved me as a favorite:

Thank you so much for your enthusiastic, stalker-esque persistence in showing me how much you think of my profile.  While some might think looking at a person's profile multiple times a day for the past week is excessive, I for one am flattered.  Although, I'd be lying if I didn't admit a piece of me is hoping you have some kind of seizure disorder causing involuntary muscle spasms in your mouse-clicking finger.

When you winked at me a week ago, I'll admit, I was intrigued.  You looked like a Normal from the postage-stamp sized picture displayed on my phone. And trust me, there aren't too many Normals walking around.  You appeared to be balding, which is not a problem.  I mean, have you seen Bruce Willis lately?  You had on artsy glasses and a cool vest suggesting you'd be up for the occasional gallery opening or wine tasting, and while you were a little beyond my age range, 42 is still in a category I'll consider.

I was all set to give you a chance until I enlarged your photo.  That's when I saw it.  I didn't want to believe it at first.  After all, one doesn't see something like that every day.  I might have audibly gasped.  I definitely swallowed back a little bile.  What on first glance looked like an artistic stitch detail on your vest was actually the longest, curly ponytail I had ever seen outside the confines of a Steven Segall movie.  I was horrified.  Let's just acknowledge that the man ponytail is officially dead, unless you're Jared Leto.  You, sir, are no Jared Leto.

If ever there was a time to judge a book by its cover, that time was now.  Pure morbid curiosity propelled me to read the rest of your profile.  Saying up front that you have children is good - it's best to be honest after that whole camouflaged ponytail situation.  However, sneaking in at the end the fact that you have 4 children, that's just not acceptable.  I know I can rock a bowl cut, but do I look like Maria Von Trapp to you?

By this point, I felt like I had enough information to be certain we would not work out, but I stumbled across one final detail that put the nail squarely in the coffin.....you're SEPARATED!!!  Separated, as in not yet divorced, as in still married, as in not okay.

Lest you think my objections are one sided, let me assure you there are a few reasons why you wouldn't like me either - (1) I don't date married guys, (2) I don't want to raise your 4 children, and (3) I'm not good at up-do's.  I'm just assuming with a mane like that you'll need one at some point.

I'd like to leave you with a few tips for your future online dating interactions: Cut your hair, finalize your divorce, and stop winking at me.

Sincerely,

The girl who is ignoring you


Today's Updates

• Geek Squad called me last night.  I didn't catch the call, and he didn't leave a message.  Assuming he was going to ask me out again, I messaged him through the site this morning.  I tried to be honest but kind and simply told him that I wasn't feeling more than friendship but that I really appreciated him taking the initiative to ask me out and plan a great first date.  I thanked him again for dinner and wished him well.  He responded back almost immediately saying he was actually going to tell me the same thing.  He assured me that I was a great lady and a truly nice person and wished me well in return.  My ego doesn't want to believe he was really feeling "just friends" with me, but at any rate, I'm glad we were able to put some closure on our interaction.
• I'm still messaging with Referee and TaxMan.  Both still have good potential, but until I meet Old Ginger Spice, I can't get invested in either one.  And speaking of.....
• I'm really excited for my date tomorrow with Old Ginger Spice.  We're still texting regularly, which I think is good.  Sometimes when you make an official plan to meet someone, the communication sort of stops cold.  That's always seemed strange to me.  If you want to talk to me three days from now, you should want to talk to me today, but I digress.  I'm slightly worried that he's too tall.  He's 6'4" so I'm definitely going to feel petite.  I've decided to wear heels to help bridge the gap.  I will be checking out of work a tad early - let's hear it for my supervisor who's as interested in my dates as I am - so I'll be able to change before the date.  I think I've decided to wear skinny jeans (just got new ones that are the smallest size I've ever worn!!!), a teal-ish 3/4 sleeved flowy t-shirt, and leopard print heels.  Here's hoping he can handle dating a fashionista!
• I'm really trying not to set myself up for disappointment, but I got some interesting words of wisdom from a friend today.  She's had some experience with the online dating thing and cautioned me not to put tons of unnecessary pressure on myself.  She reminded me that I cannot mess this up - it will either work or it won't, but if it doesn't work, it's not because I did something wrong.  She also said not to try to control my emotions - if I want to feel excited, then feel excited.  So with that in mind, I'm excited.  Physical chemistry aside (you can't make someone find you attractive) my hope is that our text chemistry carries over to real life conversation.  For example, we were texting yesterday about making dinner and he was lamenting being out of butter for his homemade mashed potatoes.  Side note - I love a guy that makes mashed potatoes!  After I made a few suggestions for substitutions, here was our exchange:
• OGS - "You're making the assumption that I'm quite the cook with lots of herbs and spices.  I believe I have salt, some really old pepper, maybe some cinnamon, and a bottle of ketchup.  Though I do have some skills, I'm no pioneer woman."
• Me - "I'm glad you're not a pioneer woman.  They're traditionally a little cold."
• OGS - "But they make great pie."
• Is it just me, or is he adorable?

Excuse me sir, I'd like to see more pictures of your tattoos....on your face.

For those of you keeping score, I've now been online dating for 12 days.  In that short time, I've been on 1 date, had 1 offer of marriage, talked to 6 normal guys, and been creeped out so many times I've lost count.  All my previous worries seem silly now.  With results like these, I don't know why people don't online date exclusively.

As I peruse the various profiles I'm presented with each day, I'm starting to see a real problem among the profile pictures men CHOOSE to display.  I want to make it clear, these men choose these photos.  It's not like anybody made them go with the scary picture where they're pointing a gun at the camera. No, no, they sorted through all the pictures they've ever taken in their whole life, and they selected that one to represent themselves to the world.

So without further ado, I give you the faces you're apt to meet on an online dating site.  Proceed with caution - that which has been seen cannot be unseen:





Mr. Joe Dirt


This fellow hails from a small town about 100 miles from your location (thankfully).   He definitely likes to fish and will usually suggest it as an activity in his opening message.   His profile states he likes living in the country, but will occasionally make it up to "the big city."  He has between 4 and 6 profile pictures, and he's sporting the same confused expression in all of them.  You can be sure he took these pictures himself.  That's not the face of a guy who's mastered the art of hitting the shutter button while maintaining an expression that doesn't suggest some kind of intestinal distress.  In addition to a fishing buddy, he's looking for a woman who doesn't mind living away from civilization with only him and his faithful hunting dog for company.  



Mr. Scary Face Tattoo

One thing's for sure, this guy is not afraid of commitment. After all, nothing says committed quite as eloquently as a face tattoo.  Some guys try to hide their ink, but that's just not this guy's style.  Of course, hiding ink on your face can present a myriad of challenges.  Listen, all joking aside, this guy may be great.  Unfortunately, I'm never going to find out. 



Mr. Yeah, That's a Hot Girl in My Profile Picture

This guy is all over the place on my particular dating site. Occasionally, he'll label the female hottie as "sister" or "cousin," but I'm suspicious.  I've got a sister and a cousin.  We pose for pictures somewhat awkwardley and detached, like we don't want people to know we're hanging out together.   I have never liked a profile of one of these guys.  This guy is a little too Barney Stinson for me.  The only future I foresee involves lawyers, judges, and weekend visitation for our children. 

Mr. This is What I Used to Look Like...



But Now I Sort of Look Like This

Also, known as Mr. Bait and Switch. This guy will have 10 to 12 pictures, all with dates at least 5 years in the past. At the very end he'll slip in one photo taken within the last month. At first you almost think it's a mistake, and you start to give him the benefit of the doubt.   Like, maybe he didn't realize he was uploading that picture of his dad, but no, that's the real him. I get why he's embarrassed, I mean, I would be too if I'd let myself go like that. But instead of showing me how good I could have had it if we'd met during the Bush era, how about you show me what the Obama administration has done to you. 



Mr. Hey Girl, I'd Love to Take You Out...Literally

I'll start by apologizing if this pic is over the line, but trust me when I say it's not the scariest profile picture I've seen on the site.  What's the highest level color for terrorist threats?  Orange?  Red?  Because, trust me, Amber Alert is not going to be sufficient.  I have to think these guys are after a certain kind of girl - one who values her mate's ability to be comfortable with himself but doesn't value her ability to continue living. This guy is....I'll go with confidant? It takes some serious self-esteem to look like he does in a profile picture.   After all, profile pictures should capture one at his best.   I'd hate to meet this guy on an off day.   Now the real question is how do I get these guys to quit winking at me?

Mr. Pay No Attention to the Hot Guy in My Picture

This guy drives me nuts! He's definitely a Big Bang Theorist hiding behind the traditional movie-star good looks of his friend, Barney Stinson. His profile picture will have at least 2 men, sometimes 3. One of the guys is guaranteed to get your pulse racing and your face flushed. He's hot, like really hot. And a little piece of you falls for it. You think, wow, this guy just messaged me. I officially take back every mean thing I've ever said about hot guys. They're really not so bad once you get to know them. But low and behold, you're not communicating with the hot guy. You're actually messaging with his goofy friend, the one off to the side wearing the coke-bottle glasses and the trucker hat. The eye candy was meant as a way to draw you in, sort of like how an Amber Alert would use licorice on a 6 year old. I fall for it every time! Be especially leery if they're posing with a celebrity. As much as I'd like to think John Cusack would like my profile, he's probably not searching for dates online, right?  

Mr. Refuses to Smile in Pictures

This is the most common of the guys you'll see online. For some reason, men seem to be under the impression that they appear the most approachable when scowling, frowning, or just staring blankly at nothing. This expression, or lack thereof, ruins a lot of otherwise perfectly decent faces. I get that a lot of guys don't smile in pictures, but this isn't your driver's license photo. This is the one chance you have to make an impression on a female stranger. Do you really want to make her think you spend all your time pissed off?



Today's Updates

• OSU Enthusiast #2 will not take a hint.  He keeps messaging me, saying things like "thanks for reading my message," and "thanks so much for looking at my profile."  Listen dude, you live in Illinois, and I can smell your desperation from here.  As much as I appreciate and am creeped out by your enthusiasm to relocate, it's not going to happen.
• Old Ginger Spice is too cute and is taking too much time to ask me out!  We've been texting consistently since Friday.  He went to the OU game Saturday night and sent me the following text:  "If you watch the game, I'll be the tiny dot on the North end of the stadium, way at the top, wearing red.  I'll wave occasionally."  Aahhhh, he's so cute, and I like that he thinks I'm smart enough to understand cardinal directions. 
• So, as much as it pained me, I went ahead and asked him out on Sunday night.  Here's how it went down:  We'd been texting off and on all day.  At one point we'd had a short conversation about non sequiturs.  So a few hours later, around 7:30, I texted him "So here's a non sequitur for you...are you at all interested in meeting?"  He didn't respond immediately, leaving me feeling crushed and humiliated.  Luckily about 10 minutes later (yes, I know I'm crazy), he messaged back that yes he would like to meet, and he was actually going to ask me.  Sure you were, Old Ginger Spice, sure you were.  At that point he totally took over, planning the whole thing.  We're going to meet on Wednesday at 7pm, at a place I've never been called Belle Isle Brewery.  I'm really excited, obviously.  Maybe he was just too shy to get that particular conversation started?  Who knows.  Now the inevitable what to wear drama begins...
• I've received messages from two promising individuals in the last two days.  The first guy is a 40 year-old CPA.  That sounds old, but he's a really well-maintained 40.  We'll call him TaxMan.  He started his message in the best way - with wit.  The subject of his message was "A grocery store bouquet," and the message started "A woman with 2 - not 1, but 2 - numbered bullet lists in her profile...how could I resist."  The other guy is a 28 year-old college professor who may also be a coach.  He has a few pics wearing a referee outfit, so we'll use Referee as his nickname.  His message was a little more mundane, but hey, they can't all be Old Ginger Spice. 

The path to 50 first dates begins with a single step - Date Diary #1

Let me just start by thanking you all for your intense enthusiasm for this little project.  I am so flattered that you all care about my love life so much.  And if you're still reading this intro and haven't already skipped down to the good stuff, let me just ask that you stop harassing me for more blog content by text, email, sky-writing, in person, and any other form of communication you can think of.  I get it, you want to know how the date went.  Well, I'll tell you....

I'd like to start at the end, so spoiler alert for those who like a plot twist, I didn't die.

Pre-Game

 

I rushed home after work on Thursday.  Okay, maybe I left a smidge early - apologies to my supervisor if he's reading this.  I redid my hair, and added a fresh coat of make-up.  I tried on a few options before settling on skinny jeans and a new stripped long-sleeved t-shirt that is already too big.  Side note - I've discovered that only owning a few wearable items of clothing is sort of a huge time saver.  You can't try on a thousand different outfits before you leave the house if you only have 3 items of clothing that fit.  Genius!  I did try on a few different statement earrings.  The first pair was too quiet, the second pair was too loud, but the third pair.....you see where this is going.  I snapped a few pics for my adoring readers.  You're welcome.

Here's how I looked for my date:

 

But on the inside I was feeling sort of like this:

 



I made the 5 mile sojourn to Louie's on Lake Hefner.  Surprisingly, I wasn't nervous.  Sometimes, I get a little red-faced before a date (well, the few times I've had a date), but luckily the Lord decided not to smite me with a blushing fit, which I greatly appreciated.  Maybe that also means I'm getting better at this whole dating thing. 

The Date

Geek Squad was early by 10 minutes.  He texted me while I was on my way to let me know he was already seated at a table inside.  I would have responded while en route, but I NEVER text and drive, and neither should you.  I appreciated him letting me know.  We sat at a high-top table near the entrance.  These kinds of tables always present a challenge for me - I have short leg syndrome, but somehow I made it work and managed not to fall off my chair all evening.  Trust me, that was a legitimate concern.

The beginning of the date was definitely the most awkward part.  I introduced myself and sat down, then there was this short lull where neither of us knew how to get this thing started.  I finally just asked him how his day had been.  Lame, but effective.  He basically didn't shut-up for the rest of the evening.  Our conversation was continuous, and covered a lot of the major topics.  We did find some humorous common ground when talking about our experiences on the dating site.  I wasn't sure if he'd be willing to commiserate with me over this, but he was a good sport.  It would seem extra awkward to me to meet someone from a dating site and not acknowledge the fact that you met on a dating site.  Like you were pretending you'd just met each other organically instead of what really happened - you liked my picture, I liked your picture, now we've decided to drink together to see if there are babies in our future.

We started with a beer and ended up ordering dinner.  Towards the end of the date we got around to talking about religion.  This is a big deal to me.  In fact, I'm planning a whole post about this topic, guaranteed to have you rolling in the church aisles.  That may seem strange since I do use the stray curse word now and then, but really the religion thing is the only non-shallow legitimate deal breaker I have.  It turns out Geek Squad is a very devoted Catholic.  I was raised non-denominational Christian and am very active in a church in that vein.  This may seem like an okay fit.  I mean, we both love Jesus, but I am not going to be Catholic for a variety of different reasons, and he was pretty clear that he wasn't going to be anything but Catholic for a variety of reasons.  While we don't necessarily have to tackle all these weighty topics on the first date, I am glad to have gotten to the heart of this issue up front. 

Here's a quick highlight reel from the date:

The Good:

• He was who he said he would be.  After my friend's scumbag experience the other day, I was a little leery about what I was getting into.
• He was cuter in person than in his profile picture.  That is not at all how I expected that to go down.  He was definitely cute enough for me to continue dating him if the chemistry was right (that may sound shallow, but I think you understand what I'm getting at).
• He comes from a normal family, sort of like mine (except for the normal part).

The Bad:

• He talks to his parents every day.  Like seriously, every day.  And if he doesn't call by 9am, they will call the police.  He thought this was normal.  I disagree.
• One of our conversations:
• GS: "90% of the men in television news are gay."
• Me: "Are you gay?" (I was a little serious)
• GS: "No, I'm an outlier."
• Can I just say, I thought that statistic was really high and not well supported by any other facts during the conversation.
• Also, this was to prove a point about why it's hard to meet women at his job.  I have to think if you're the only straight guy at the station, your odds are rather improved. 
• While talking about our online dating experience he mentioned that he's been stood up a few times, and one girl even walked in, looked at him, and walked out.  I think this is horrible.  Ladies, don't be like this.  If you've agreed to meet someone, then show up.  Absent discovering they are a psycho-killer, go ahead and participate in the date if that's what you've agreed to do. 
• We both talked plenty, but the conversation was largely focused on him.   He did not ask me any questions about myself. This is the second date I've had recently where this was an issue.  Is this normal, or am I just dating guys with sub par social skills? 
• I capped the date at 2 hours.  His personality was actually starting to get on my nerves at that point, which does not bode well for the next 50 years.

The Ugly:

• I don't think I want to go out with him again.  My normal dating  regime is to give guys at least 2 dates before discarding, because frankly nobody does their best work on a first date, and that includes me.  However, I get the feeling that a second date with Geek Squad would mean a lot more to him than it would to me, and I don't want to lead him on.
• This may not even be an issue, because he has not texted or messaged me at all today.  So now I'm left feeling rejected and unworthy.  At the core of who I am lies a crazy person who just can't be pleased.  I'm working on it.

Today's Updates

• Old Ginger Spice texted me while I was out on my date last night.  By the time I got home and was able to reply, he'd already gone to bed.  So the crazy part of me assumed he was turned off by my 2+ hour reply time and had written me off.  It's times like this that the phrase, "but he was my one chance to have children" runs through my head on a continuous loop.  However....
• He texted me this morning, and we have texted off and on all day.  He is delightful.  I am smitten (which I understand that's crazy and ridiculous since we haven't met).  But I have a hard time finding a guy who can keep up with my particular style of banter.  It's definitely attractive.  If I don't meet him soon, he runs the risk of failing to meet my rising expectations.  This really presents a challenge for me.  I tend to be a bit overbearing and ballsy (shocking, I know), so with these guys I'm trying to let them take the lead as much as possible.  At what point can I ask him to meet without seeming desperate or like I'm stealing his thunder?  I figure I'll give him until Sunday to man up, but I'd like to know what you think.
• Another guy has been messaging me as of late.  He seems foreign, perhaps of the Middle East persuasion, and he's 40.  I'll call him Borat.  He's been messaging me for a few days and he's now suggested that we meet for lunch sometime.  We have not exchanged numbers nor have we talked about much that matters.  I'm on the fence about meeting him.  This may have to do with the recent ISIS drama overseas, but I'd like to think I'm not a borderline racist.  I may suggest to him that a future lunch date would be an option, but that I'd like to keep getting to know him by message for now.  Oh no, now I've got pen pal syndrome! I'm also thinking I may just tell him I'm no longer interested.  This is the part where that crazy phrase starts to run through my head - see above.
• I've received a few messages from a guy I'll call OSU Enthusiast #2 (see, I knew there would be others).  I think I'm going to not reply to any of them.  I'm just not sensing any kind of future with this guy.  Perhaps I'm judging too quickly, but I'm also getting more adept at figuring these guys out from the context clues in their profiles.
• Juggling boys is difficult. While I was on my date last night, I had a bit of a hard time not thinking about the other guy probably texting me at the same moment. By the way, that's not a sentence I ever thought I'd say.  It feels so scandalous.  Anyway, I felt like I was cheating on Old Ginger Spice a little bit, which I know is not true.  As a friend so helpfully reminded me, I'm allowed to get to know other people at this stage.  What I've learned about myself is that I don't possess the skills or desire to be a whore. I'm a one guy at a time kind of girl. However, being on this site will force me to talk to more than one guy at a time. It's a numbers game. As much as I might like a guy I'm talking to, I can't ignore others that have potential.  The guy I like could turn out to be a 12 year-old-girl, or married, or just not ready for a relationship.  Here's hoping he's not a 12-year-old girl.  Although that would explain why he was able to so eloquently defend Miley Cyrus. 

1994 called, it wants its pen pal back...

I hope you're enjoying yourself so far.  I'm hanging out somewhere between excited and depressed.  Each new message holds the promise of a lasting relationship, but my hopes are almost instantly dashed when they ask me if I like to fish.  Somehow my profile gives men the world over the impression that I'm an avid angler.  I must investigate this. 

At any rate, I'm starting to see a common problem among the guys on these dating sites.  I call it the pen pal syndrome.  They say they're looking for a relationship - some of them even go so far as to say they're looking for marriage.  However, their actions, or rather inaction, would suggest that they're actually looking for a good old-fashioned pen pal. 

Here's the thing, I suck at being a pen pal.  I'm the girl who will gladly take down your address at the end of summer camp and then never write you a single letter.  I'll intend to. Oh, I'll intend the crap out of that, but I have zero follow through.  I always feel bad about it at some point.  Not bad enough to write an actual letter, of course, but mostly I figure all I've missed are some stupid chain letters.  Does anyone else remember those?  Send this letter to 10 people or you'll be alone forever.....wait a minute...okay...sort of putting it all together, this whole me still being single thing.  Dammit!

So here's how the online pen pal situation goes down.  The boy starts the messaging conversation (that is, the few who actually will start a conversation in a non-creepy way).  I participate if I deem them worthy, having the same "get to know you" conversation I've been having with all the other guys.  If it's going well, the conversation will find a groove and it will start to feel more like a real conversation and less like a CIA interrogation.  Mostly, the conversations don't feel as natural as I'd like, but I'm usually satisfied enough by their reading comprehension and basic writing skills to continue talking.

Here's the problem - Most guys never show any signs of stopping the conversation.  Only a brave few will take the initiative to mention meeting in person, and then an even smaller group of those guys might actually follow through with a plan to meet. But at what point do you acknowledge that you've fallen into a pen pal relationship, the dreaded "friend zone" of the digital dating scene? 20 messages?  40?  Do you count by days or weeks?

I suppose what they're wanting is for me to do all the work.  They want me to start the conversation, give them my number, ask them to call or text, and make a plan to meet up.  That way I can be the rejected one.  Well newsflash, all you little cowards, if I've participated in more than 20 messages, I'll probably agree to meet you, or at the very least, give you my number.  After all, isn't that what we're all on the site to do?  It's not like the guys have to wonder, "gee, she's really pretty; I wonder if she's seeing someone?  Would she think it was weird if I started talking to her?"  No, you moron, I'm on a dating site!!!

Over the past week, I've had a few of these confusing interactions, and I expect to have more.  I'll detail them for you now, because I know you want details:

• Day 2 on the site, I was winked at then messaged by a 30 year old airplane mechanic with a little war experience.  We'll call him Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (TTSS).  He was really smooth about getting my number, and we switched to text after about 30 minutes of consistent messaging. We proceeded to text pretty steadily for the next few hours.  It was a great conversation.  He understood my sarcasm, IN TEXT, without needing any explanation!  I don't have to tell you how rare that is.  He was engaging and funny.  We joked about serial killers, but not in a creepy way (I guess you had to be there).  It was really special.  He mentioned meeting up and I agreed, but then we just kept texting and he never mentioned it again.  At the end of the conversation, I told him to contact me again if he wanted, and it's been crickets ever since.
• I'm currently stuck in a vortex of messages with a guy I'll call OSU Enthusiast #1 (I'm just assuming there will be others in the future).  We've exchange 25 or so messages with no end in sight.  The conversation is not flowing, yet he still keeps asking me mundane questions.  I may have to cut him off soon. It's for his own good.  At this point, if I met him in person, we'd have nothing left to talk about.
• We all remember East India Trading.  He asked me for my number, asked me to meet, then immediately told me he felt no connection with me but offered to meet me anyway.  Gee thanks for the offer of a pity date, but I think I'll pass.  I can find plenty of ways to humiliate myself without making small talk with the likes of you over $5 lattes.
• A boy I'll call Not Cute Enough to Judge Me (the name is pretty self explanatory) texted with me for an hour or so my first night on the site.  We got along okay.  He asked me for more pictures - not as sleazy as it sounds - I only had 2 pictures on the site at that point because I hadn't updated my selfie stock yet.  When I sent him the only additional pictures I had that still remotely look like me (I've recently lost about 40 pounds - yay me!), he never texted me again.  I have to say, that was really good for my self esteem.  Really I guess that wasn't a pen pal problem, but I'm just mad, and I needed to vent about it a little.  Thanks for listening.

I suppose the simple solution would be for me to take the initiative and boldly ask them out.  In doing that, I feel like I'm the only girl on the planet who's not worthy of being pursued.  It's a total killer to my self esteem.  Didn't the Lord wire these guys to to chase me?  I mean, what kind of story does that make for our grandchildren?  Well, you see kids, your grandpa was shy, so he sat in his cockroach infested apartment, surrounded by empty pizza boxes and well-worn Victoria Secret catalogues, culling through endless lists of profiles by the neon light of his Budweiser wall lamp.  He waited patiently for me to find him.  I sent him six messages before he finally decided I was serious enough to message back.  He got to know me by email over the next few months, while grandma's eggs dried up, and finally his apathetic technique paid off.  In a moment of sheer panic at the prospect of turning 40, I finally asked him to meet me for a date.  This, kids, is the stuff dreams are made of."

I think it's safe to say my boy chasing skills rank somewhere below my ability to cut my own hair.  Trust me, if I had any boy chasing prowess I would not be writing this blog.

In other news, Geek Squad is looking better and better, if only for the fact that he actually knows how to ask a girl out.  Good for you, Geek Squad.  Huzzah!*


Today's Updates

• First off, a scary story - I have permission from the victim of this particular incident to share this story with you all.  A friend of mine is on the same site I'm on, and she had been talking to a gentlemen for a few weeks.  They made a plan to meet and have been talking on the phone every night leading up to their date.  It seemed like things were going well, then yesterday, out of the blue, he asked her for $6500.  She obviously did not send him any money, but instead, quickly reported him to the site administrators.  She later learned that several things in his profile were fraudulent.  This was a good reminder for me that until you actually meet someone face to face, you really don't know who they are.  And in fact, it will probably take a few face to face meetings to really get a feel for who the person is.  Be careful!  Sometimes boys are creeps.  And here you thought this blog was just for funny stories.
• On a lighter note, I'm getting psyched up for my date tomorrow with Geek Squad, and I'm trying to figure out what I should wear.  We're meeting at 7pm, so, in theory, I'll have time to go home and change.  He'll be coming straight from work, but I'm not sure what his normal workday wardrobe is like.  I could wear a cute, casual dress or skinny jeans and a t-shirt/sweater combo.  Keep in mind, I've lost almost 40 pounds this year (I never get tired of saying that), and I've got more to go, so my wardrobe is pretty limited.  I'd love some help on this!  Please post some thoughts in the comments before tomorrow night.  Also, I'd take any pointers on conversation topics. Those of you who know me best are shaking your head right now, because you know I can pretty much talk to anyone, anytime, but I'd be interested in having a few back-up conversation pieces in mind in case the conversation lulls.  If in doubt, I'll just order another drink.  I see no potential problems with that plan...
• Old Ginger Spice and I are still going strong...at least as strong as you can go when you've never actually met.  He sent me a great, lengthy message last night, and I definitely responded.  He's a one message a day kind of guy, but he covers lots of topics in each one, so it's worth the wait.  He just sent me another lengthy message tonight....and....he asked for my number so we could "text or chat or prank call each other."  How cute is that????  I'm probably more into him than I should be at this point, but his emails are so funny and engaging that it's difficult not to be.  We are definitely going to have to meet sooner rather than later, but I'll give him a few more days before I get too antsy.  I don't want to show all my crazy at once.
• I'm exchanging messages with a few other guys who aren't interesting enough yet to warrant nicknames.  Should they become interesting enough, you'll be the first to know.
• I've cooled conversations with a few other guys because they can't come up with a question to ask me in return.  Conversation is give and take.  I can only give for so long before I have to pull the plug.
• I have my age parameters set to 25-40, but I think my age cut-off is closer to 42/43.  I keep getting winks and likes from guys in that early 40 range, and some of them are appealing.  However, when I get any action from a guy older than that, it just feels creepy.  What is a guy in his mid-fifties doing scamming on a 31 old?  Shame on you!

* That's the first time I've used "huzzah" in my life.  I've been meaning to for a while.  It seems like something the cool kids are doing these days.  I didn't like it.  I don't think I'll do it again.  If you take nothing else away from this blog, remember that nothing good comes of giving into peer pressure.