I just love everything about a Charlie Brown Christmas. Charlie Brown spends the whole movie melancholy and sad. I feel like if he were real, we'd totally hit it off.
But I already have a boyfriend. Milton and I have been going out for exactly 70 days, as in 10 weeks, as in 2.5 months. And in that time, we've been on dozens of dates, L-words have been uttered, and I've weathered no less than 3 major freak-outs. These were somewhat private freak-outs (well, public now, I guess). I doubt Milton even really knew they were happening. If he did, he's either an amazing actor in which case we'll be moving to Hollywood, or he's really just that sweet and patient and knew I'd come around if he just let me work through it. I'm guessing he had no idea.
Let me explain. I've been single pretty much my whole life. I've gone on dates here and there, but nothing compared to the whirlwind of dates I experienced back in September when I started online dating. By the time Milton and I got together, I was pretty worn out with the whole concept of socialization, and the introverted side of my personality was on interaction overload. Adding a boyfriend to the mix nearly fried my brain - so much so, I almost broke up with him a week after agreeing to be his girlfriend. Almost, as in I thought about it hard for like 20 minutes and my mom and sister reminded me I was being crazy.
Part of the issue (and to be clear, this was all my issue) is that I could tell Milton really liked me, like really, really liked me. I think I was so confused by the fact that someone might actually like me that much that I was trying to figure out what could possibly be wrong with him. Then I berated myself trying to figure out what was so wrong with me that I can't just accept that a guy likes me. I was over-thinking everything and sabotaging my ability to just live in the moment. The butterflies I'd felt initially dissipated so quickly I was beginning to think they were never butterflies in the first place. What if that initial infatuation was really just poorly digested Taco Bell? Luckily, they were butterflies, but I'd killed them with my own poisonous blend of pessimism and fear.
To combat my freak-out, I started reading all kinds of internet articles about love and relationships and seeking advice from friends. If you're ever in a similar situation, don't do this. It will only create more questions. The internet is evil. It lulls you into a false sense of security with its thousands of "helpful" links available at the click of a button that turn out to be a vortex of confusion and contradiction. There's an endless supply of articles to tell you exactly how you should be feeling in any kind of relationship situation. There are quizzes to tell you if he loves you, if you love him, if you should even love anybody, or if you're lovable yourself. There are checklists for what the right guy will say, do, eat, or drink. There are also checklists for what the wrong guy will have to say about what you say, do, eat, or drink. None of these are helpful. And I might point out most of them are written by people with a sketchy track record in relationships themselves. Just think about it, any moron with an internet connection can write an article and publish it for the whole world to read. Like this blog, for example. Ditto for friends - everyone wants to be helpful and has the very best of intentions, but since we're all pulling from the same pool of Hollywood romantic comedies, our views of what love should feel like are equally, well, full of crap.
But my analytical brain was thirsty for information that would help me sort through the messy, chaotic chemical response that is love. I was desperate to put a quantifiable process to the purely qualitative concept of relationships. It turns out there is no checklist that can tell you if you are in love. There's no quiz that can adequately tell you if a guy loves you. Love is a very personal experience. There's no way to shove all the possible emotions into a one-size-fits-all formula. You have to assess your relationship purely by what you "feel." Ugh. After spending countless years avoiding having emotional responses to anything relationship centered, this has been a bit of a challenge for me. Imagine a dumber, less Asian love child of Dr. Yang from Grey's Anatomy and Spock from Star Trek. That's me. Not exactly girlfriend material, but probably kind of hot.
Fast forward a few weeks, and a few more freak-outs later, and I've finally deduced that there is nothing wrong with me. I'm just wired a little differently than most of the girls I know and 100% of the girls in the romantic comedies I used to love. I need space in relationships - all relationships. This has been an issue in many of my friendships, so I'm not sure why I didn't see this coming with a boyfriend situation. I even require space from my own family. If I spend several days in a row around people, I will need at least 1 day completely to myself to ensure I don't lose my freaking mind.
My pre-boyfriend daily routine was so completely ingrained into my very fiber as a human being. The threads were wound so tight, it's a wonder I could handle any dating at all. As I tried to incorporate Milton into my evenings and weekends, I was feeling more and more suffocated. I would try to carve out some alone time, but it made me feel like I was hiding or having to justify what I needed. About a month ago, (after my last freak-out), I was finally able to have a real conversation with Milton about this issue after a comedy show over Dairy Queen blizzards. In my opinion, serious discussions should always be accompanied by ice-cream. The topic came up somewhat naturally, and I was able to really get my feelings out. he listened intently, as always, and seemed to understand. Have I mentioned he's pretty great?
Ever since that conversation, I've felt freer in the relationship than I ever would have thought possible. I haven't needed as much alone time lately, because I know that when I do need it, all I have to do is tell him. I don't have to hide or come up with a "legitimate" excuse. I can just be myself. Ahhhhhhhhhhh (that's the sound of me breathing).
Now the only thing I have to freak-out about is whether he'll like his Christmas present and then what to get him for Valentines. He liked his birthday present - his birthday happened to be two days after Thanksgiving. Well played, Milton - start dating a girl right before your birthday so she has to pick out the perfect gift that says, "I like you enough, but not so much that you need to get a restraining order." I feel like I accomplished that with an assortment of Dallas Cowboys themed items of varying quality and seriousness, but with Christmas around the corner, my victory is short-lived. It's like the game of picking out the perfect present is never really won. You just survive until the next holiday.
With gift-giving in mind, I'll leave you with this final thought:
Glad those days are over.....although tell that to my online dating account. I shut it down months ago, but they still send me a daily list of matches. I'm not getting any messages or site activity, so I know my profile isn't active. {not so humble brag} I'll take it as a sign that the Lord wants me to remember how good I have it, as the profile pictures I'm seeing don't inspire any desire in me beyond wanting to make sure my house alarm is set at night.
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