Just a little bit of me being me

Now that I've been online dating for a full month, I wanted to take a minute to talk about why I decided to try this in the first place and share a little bit about what I've learned so far.  Like I've tried to do on the blog all along, this post will be as honest and authentic as possible.  Just understand, it's not in my comfort zone to talk about feelings and other warm fuzzies.  Apologies if this all ends up sounding like a cheesy after-school special. 

Why, oh why, did I do this?

For about the past year, I had been supremely unhappy about a lot of different things.  My job was a major source of the problem.  My company was going through some massive changes, and everyday felt like a useless management experiment.  When I'm facing stress or anxiety from something like work, I tend to deal with it by creating anxiety about other areas of my life.  The phrase misery loves company comes to mind, but in my case, I create my own terrible company by generating new issues for myself.  In this case, I got frustrated over being single in a part of the country that considers it a character flaw to be single past the age of 25.  It probably didn't help that I'd recently turned 30, a veritable romance expiration date for a normal mid-western girl. 

In January, after about 3 months of being bummed out, I decided to make a few changes.  I joined Weight Watchers at work, and I decided to try to expand my circle of friends and experiences by implementing an "always say yes" policy for my social life.  To clarify, the "always say yes" really only extends to social invitations, I'm not just giving it up to anyone who shows interest.  I think it's safe to say both of these changes have yielded excellent results.  I've met so many new people over the past 9 months just from going to random parties or outings - always when I'm invited; I'm not a party crasher, although that would make a pretty awesome blog too.  Normally, if I was invited to something where I wasn't going to know many people, the introvert in me would decline.  I wouldn't say I've had a killer time at everything I've attended, and I certainly haven't met "the one," but I have absolutely made some new friends.  As far as Weight Watchers goes, I've lost about 40 pounds, and I look and feel better than I ever have before.  Here's a before and after just so you can see the difference:

 



July 1, 2013
(Ignore the Justin Bieber balloons - my friends think they're super funny)

  

September 7, 2014

But even with these two big changes, I was still all alone.  Cue the melancholy ballad. 

About a month ago, I read a travel memoir, as I often do.  I love reading about people who risk everything and move to foreign countries without any idea how they're going to pay their bills.  It's more exciting than any thriller, because it's about a real crazy person pulling a real crazy person stunt.  The book was called The Paris Letters.  It was about a woman in her mid-thirties who lived in L.A. and had a successful career in advertising, but she wasn't satisfied.  Sound familiar?  Someone in her life suggested she make one small change and see how her life would change because of it.  So, she decided to start writing in a journal everyday and finally be honest in those pages about what she really wanted to do with her life.  Through that small daily exercise, she discovered that what she really wanted to do was give herself a break from her normal life.  Between selling all her possession and saving all she could, she saved up enough money to live in Paris for one year.  Once she was there, she figured out a way to make enough money through her writing and artwork to be able to stay.  Now she's married to a hot Polish butcher, and she's a successful writer and artist.  Basically, she's my hero. 

My first Paris Letter!

That got me thinking about what small change I could make that might help me to find a bit more happiness in my own life. As an aside, the way she makes her living, besides selling books, is so fascinating.  Basically, she paints a Parisian watercolor every month, writes a letter about Paris on the painting, copies it, and mails personalized editions out to people who subscribe to these letters through her Etsy shop.  Here's a link if you'd like to check it out - Paris Letters.  After reading this book, I decided that I wanted to be a part of her journey as well, so I subscribed to her letters for 1 year.  I got my first letter the first week of September.   I signed up for online dating and started this blog the day after I got my first letter.  Guess I favor large changes over small.  The timing was sort of a coincidence, but now I'm really excited by the symmetry of it all - I can see how my life changes over the coming months as I get my new letters.  I can already tell a huge difference in my attitude, just from the energy that comes from having a new project. 

Have I learned anything at all?

If you've read my previous posts, you know I've learned plenty about the process of online dating over the last month, but I've also discovered several things about myself along the way.  Here's just a sample of some of the more valuable lessons:

1. Relationships involve risk - you have to put yourself out there a little bit in order to get anything back. 
2. I'm better at flirting than I thought I was.  I spent most of my life thinking I had zero game, but that's not really true.  I may not be at an Olympic level yet, but I can definitely hold my own at the version for people who are missing limbs and things. 
3. The only guys who will "favorite" my profile on the site are Amber Alerts.  This is an absolute.
4. I have to use emoticons when texting or else boys can't understand my sarcasm.  This makes me sad for lots of reasons.  :(
5. First dates are really difficult.  I haven't found a way to make them painless yet, but I'm working on it.  The good news is, practice makes perfect.
6. There's just no substitute for following your instincts.  Luckily, I have a great bull-shit detector.  The few times in this journey I haven't followed my gut, I've regretted it.
7. Boys who start their messages with some version of "please have my babies," have no intention of raising babies.  As an additional parting gift, you will probably get hepatitis.
8. Contrary to what history has taught me, some boys do want to go out with me more than once. 
9. While girls are often better looking in pictures than in person, the opposite is often true for boys.  Mostly I think this is because boys don't realize how menacing they look when they don't smile in pictures.
10. I am a catch, and I don't have to settle.  I kind of already knew this, but it's been good to really get that lesson to sink in.

Shameless Plug Time

Polar Bears

Orphans

My Love Life

If any of these causes speak to you on a personal level......it's probably one of the first two, but the fact that you're reading this post tells me you care about my love life a little bit.  I just want to say thank you for sticking with me through this incredibly long post.  And truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for reading my blog and commenting either through the blog, by email, or in person.  I really appreciate every compliment or bit of constructive criticism I've received.  Being able to share my experiences with you all has been a real pleasure. 

The whore in me would like to share this blog on an even grander scale.  You'll notice this blog doesn't come with annoying ads or a PayPal link so you can give me money, but all that is about to change.  For $0.16 per day, the price of a sheet of paper, you can be a part of history.  Okay, that's not true - I have no idea how much a sheet of paper actually costs, and I'm not going to start asking you for money. 

What I would like is a little help getting the word out.  If you've been reading this blog and you've enjoyed it, please consider sending the link to 5 friends, coworkers, family members, etc. who you think might find it funny.  I know many of you have already been sharing it with people (thank you!!), but, you know, please think of some more people. 

Today's Updates

• Miami Vice has not texted me today, so I think he got the hint.  Whew!
• Preview of coming attractions - I'm really looking forward to my date with Milton tonight.  I'm very interested to see if we can talk as easily as we did on the first date.  Stay tuned.
• Engi-Nerd and I have texted a bit today.  I really like a lot about his personality, at least what I know of him through messages and texts.  I really need to meet him to see if this could be something or not.  Depending on how things go with Milton, this could get complicated, but I will just have to worry about that when it becomes an issue.
• Today I'm going to a co-workers going away party.  The old me would have looked at these situations with a little bit of dread, but the new me is excited about the prospect of meeting new people and putting my new flirting skills to practical use.  Look out world, I'm on the prowl. 



 

Death by a casual dinner - Date Diary #6

Surprise!  I just got home from a date with Miami Vice.  In hindsight, I'm not sure why I wanted to go out with him in the first place.  It probably had to do with the fact that I haven't slept in 2 days.  My judgment is clearly impaired.  There were enough red flags in our emails and texts to have avoided this, but since I've survived the date, you at least deserve to hear about it. 

First a little background...

From the first email, I have been on the fence about this guy.  He seemed a little forward.  And by that, I mean that he called me cute within the first 6 messages.  I'm always suspect when a guy mentions something physical before we've switched to text.  It has never ended well, and tonight just further proved my point.  However, most people seem to find a little mention of attraction to be a good thing, so I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. 

We texted off and on all day, and just like yesterday, he kept mentioning meeting in very flirty ways, but wouldn't get on with it.  In my sleep deprived state, and with dates with Milton and Engi-Nerd looming overhead, I finally demanded that Miami Vice either get serious about meeting or move on.  So, he got serious about meeting and suggested we get together for a casual dinner tonight.  Be careful what you wish for.

Pre-Game

 

Since this was supposed to be a casual dinner, and I was becoming increasingly suspicious of Miami Vice's motives, I didn't even change clothes from what I had worn to work today.  "Yeah, that'll show him," I thought.  The problem with that theory is that it's predicated on the idea that a guy will be able to tell if you've put any effort into your look or not.   They can't.  Plus, it's not like I look homeless or anything when I go to work.  I'm a classy career woman.  I look the part.  By virtue of the fact that I showed up for the date, he felt like he'd won.  There's nothing I could have done in the looks department to sully that victory.

 

At any rate, here's how I looked for the date:

 

 

 

The Date

 

We were supposed to meet at a burger place that he picked based on his suggestion of a casual dinner and my hankering for a cheeseburger.  He picked a location of this particular chain that's in Edmond even after I suggested there was a new location closer to both of us.  He wouldn't be swayed.  Oh well, some people can't be saved.  He was late meeting me because he had to handle some work calls.  When he finally showed up, the restaurant was so crowded that we decided it would be better to go someplace else.  Here's where I'd like to point out that we probably could have eaten at the other location just fine because it's not as busy.  Why can't the world just get on board with the fact that I'm right almost all the time? 

 

I decided to ride with him to the next restaurant.  In a lot of ways, this was risky, but I'd vetted him through some current and former coworkers who knew him, so I was pretty sure he was harmless.  I could tell based on our incredibly forced conversation in the car that it was going to be the longest date ever.  He had a hard time deciding on another restaurant, so when he finally suggested sushi, I readily agreed.  By that point, I would have settled for a Slurpee and a burrito at the local 7-11.  This guy, who is so flirty and forward by text, is an emotionless brick wall in person.  His expression never changed the whole night. 

 

When we got to the sushi place, the hostess handed him one of those disc-shaped pagers from hell and told him it would be about a 25 minute wait.  I almost cried.  We waited outside because it wasn't too cold, and PRAISE GOD, the little pager went off about 5 minutes later.  We ordered beer and sushi and settled in for the long wait that usually ensues at any decent sushi establishment.  The Lord smiled upon me again, because the sushi arrived very quickly.  The food was good.  The conversation was not.  The beer was necessary.

 

 

The Good

• It was getting pretty difficult to juggle 3 different guys, so I guess I'm glad to get this guy out of the lineup.
• He was perfectly nice, and he paid for dinner which I appreciated.

The Bad

• The conversation was so difficult.  Since we have both worked for the same company in the past, that's pretty much all we had to talk about.  He has a good job, and is no doubt good at it, but talking about work gets really old after about 10 minutes.  I tried to get other topics going, but he just couldn't expound enough on any topic to sustain the conversation.  He didn't really ask me many questions, so the conversation felt very one sided.
• Even if I thought the conversation could improve - I mean, everyone's entitled to be nervous on the first date - the physical chemistry wasn't right.  He's handsome enough, but it's just not there for me.
• The sushi place was really loud and had TV's all over the place showing various sports games.  I've never been to a sushi restaurant/sports bar.  Miami Vice was looking about 6 inches above my head most of the night.  Finally, I looked behind me to see a wall-mounted television showing a cat litter commercial.  I called him out on the fact that the commercial could not possibly be more interesting than what I was saying.  He responded with assurances that there was a football game on and he was adept at multitasking.  Awesome.

The Ugly

• When he took me back to my car, he walked me to the door, and we stood there awkwardly.  He mentioned going out again, and I sort of side-stepped by making an incoherent noise.  Hopefully he'll take that to either mean no or that I'm not mentally competent.  Either way, fingers crossed it gets me out of a second date. 
• He hugged me, like for real, and for a long time.  Now I know how Old Ginger Spice felt.  As I'm sitting here writing this post, I can still smell his cologne.  And I've already changed into pajamas.  I fear the scent has permeated my skin and will be with me forever.  To be fair, it's not a bad scent, but I'm not sure I want it to be my signature scent.
• He texted me that he had a great time and that he thought we'd had great conversation tonight.  Were we on the same date?  He also mentioned that he regrets not kissing me.  I.....I can't even....no......

 

 

Today's Updates

• I'm obviously not going to go on a second date with Miami Vice.  I am happy to be able to close that chapter and move on.  We'll see if he asks me out again, but I figure if he continues to text me, I'll just let him down easy.  Now if I could just find a way to get rid of the smell...
• I've texted with Milton a little bit today.  He has planned our date for tomorrow - we're going to go eat sushi (I know - two days in a row) at one of my favorite places in Bricktown and then go see a movie.  Normally, I wouldn't want to go on a movie date so early in getting to know someone, but we'll have dinner before, and then who knows if we might do something after the movie.  Plus, I know our conversation skills are solid, so it's just a matter of finding out more about him, which just takes time.  I've given him my address and asked him to pick me up for the date.  I feel perfectly safe doing this.
• I've also texted a little bit with Engi-Nerd.  He sent me a selfie before he got on the road to Dallas.  That's the 3rd time he's sent me a selfie since we've been texting.  I've never asked him to send those pics, and to his credit, he's never asked me for one in return.  Being a self-respecting hater of the sorority sister movement, I have not sent him one, mostly because I don't take any.  However, after receiving his pic today, I decided it would only be fair if I sent him one, so I sent the pic at the top of this post.  He thanked me for it and commented that it was a great picture of me and that I am "quite attractive."  I am very uncomfortable with everything that happened here, but I think I did the right thing.  When in doubt, I try to remember WWNGD - What Would a Normal Girl Do?

 

 



 

 



A whole latte fun - Date Diary #5

Coffee date - 1
My ability to sleep after drinking caffeine past 7pm - 0



There are so few times in life where you are genuinely pleasantly surprised.  Mostly, I build up my expectations so high that when I experience whatever I've been anticipating, it has no chance but to fail.  A good example of this is having a job as an adult.  When I was a kid, I used to "play" office with my friends.  We would write fake memos, answer fake phone calls, and fire our stuffed animals for under performing on the job.  Now that I get to play office for real, I have a hard time remembering what was so fun about it.  I think the reality of it failed to meet the high expectations I had set.  There's also the possibility that having a job just bites the big one. 

I am happy to report that my date with Milton exceeded my expectations in pretty much every way. 

Pre-Game

We weren't meeting until 8pm, so there was no need to sneak out of leave work early.  I had planned to just change clothes and spruce up a bit, but after attending a fundraising event at work where I was forced to stand near a large body of stinky pond water for about an hour in the afternoon, I had that not-so-fresh feeling.  Even though this date was going to be more casual, I decided Milton deserved my best effort, which tonight included a full shower. 

Here's how I looked for my date:

If you're a dedicated reader of the blog, you may have figured out that I basically have 3 versions of the same shirt that I rotate for first dates.  If I ever get a boyfriend, I may have to do a little shopping.  Although if he's a typical guy, he probably won't notice.  I wasn't too anxious or over excited about this date, so I was feeling pretty much how I look like I'm feeling. 

The Date

I only live about 7 minutes away from the Starbucks we were meeting at, so imagine my surprise when I got a text from Milton as I was leaving the house to let me know he was already there.  I love how on all the dates I've been on so far, the guys have been pretty punctual.  That's a trait that's definitely missing in my generation, but it's always appreciated.  When I got there, he was easy to spot because he's 6'5".  Somehow I had missed that in his profile.  Had I known, I probably would have worn heels and spent the better part of today worrying that he was going to be too tall.  Sometimes ignorance is bliss. 

The Starbucks was somewhat busy when I got there, so I introduced myself, and then we got in line.  He had already gotten a drink, which was fine.  I never get drinks at Starbucks that have calories anymore, but I had decided that tonight would be special, so I got my first pumpkin-spice latte of the season.  Yum!  He paid, which I think made it taste even better. 

I had worried that our message chemistry wouldn't translate to real life.  We exchanged a few pleasantries while waiting in line but pretty quickly hit on some good topics, and the conversation began to flow really naturally.  I think I can safely say, this was the most natural conversation I've ever had with a relative stranger.  We floated from topic to topic as if we were old friends.  Even when there was a lull, it wasn't awkward or difficult to pick back up.  He was definitely interested in talking about me more than the other dates I've been on recently.  He asked me really good questions, and I felt like we were both able to share stories about our lives.

He mentioned that he's only been on the site a few months, but that he's already been catfished.  Yikes.  Why would anyone do that?  It's like you're sitting at home posting fake pictures and information about yourself thinking, "He'll never notice that I'm not a 5'10" hot, blond pediatrician.  It's not like he has eyes or good short-term memory."

The Good

• The conversation was great!  It was so natural and easy.  He was a great listener, and had really good things to add to every topic we covered. 
• He has a good job and definitely has a responsible, steady lifestyle.
• There's something about the overall chemistry that has good potential.  I wouldn't say I have romantic feelings for him yet, but I definitely want to get to know him better and see where this goes.  
• The end of the date wasn't awkward.  There was no kiss or anything - I mean, I may be dating multiple guys at once, but I'm not that easy. We stood for a few minutes in the parking lot, and we both went through the whole "I had a great time" routine.  Then he asked me if I'd like to go out again on Saturday night, and I said yes.  He's supposed to call or text with a plan.  

The Bad

• He plays video games more than I'd like, but I get the feeling he does it more for a social outlet than a genuine addiction.  I'll keep an eye on this.
• He alphabetized his movie collection by actor.  I use the past tense, because I promise you that after my compelling and passionate speech about all the ways in which this is ridiculous, he won't be doing that anymore. (shudder)
• He applied chapstick twice during the evening, but he acknowledged that it was weird. The first step to addressing any addiction is admitting you have a problem.

The Ugly

• I'm not sure there really was anything legitimately ugly about the date. I don't want to make it sound like it was perfect, but the whole night was pretty comfortable. 
• Okay, I guess I can come up with one thing in this category, but it's really more funny/awkward than ugly. Towards the end of the date, we were still sitting at the table, and all of a sudden, he jumped out of his chair.   At first I wasn't sure what happened, but I thought, okay...I guess he's ready to go. Turns out he'd gotten a leg cramp. I did a pretty good job of not laughing too much to his face, but I've definitely laughed about it plenty ever since the date ended.

Today's Updates

• I got a message late last night from a new prospect.  During our message exchange today, he mentioned that he really likes to visit Miami, Florida.  At least I hope it was Florida.  I'm going to be really disappointed if he meant Miami, Oklahoma.  He didn't really specify, but who wants to vacation in Miami, Oklahoma?  Anyway, his name shall henceforth be known as Miami Vice.  We switched to text late in the afternoon, and kept up a good banter through the early evening.  He's a little flirtier than I'm used to, so I'm going to proceed with caution.  He used to work at my company, so I'm using my sources to try and find someone who knows him who can tell me if he's a good guy or not.  He asked me out already, but my schedule is pretty tight right now, so I think I can keep him on standby while I wait for more information from my network of spies.
• I texted a tiny bit today with Engi-Nerd.  This is par for the course in our prior communications.  We can text a lot one day and not much the next, so there's no cause for concern.  Sometimes he calls me "chica," which, as a borderline feminist, should offend me, but there's something about it I like.
• I think OU Enthusiast #1 has moved on to greener pastures, which is fine.  Happy trails to you; I wish you all kinds of luck finding a girl who wants to watch football and mountain bike.  He was moving way to slow to be a legitimate contender, plus I think 3 men is the most any socially awkward 31-year-old girl should be expected to handle at once, while maintaining a full-time job.

I think I can crack that code - Between the Lies #1

The male brain is a treasure trove of deep, penetrating thoughts ranging from such varied topics as.....well.....mostly they're just thinking about sports and sex.  Want proof?  Check out this super scientific map of the male brain:

After spending the last few weeks reading an endless supply of profiles, I think it's safe to say a lot of men are confused about what they really want.  It doesn't help that the majority lack the ability to express themselves in writing.  I have not so randomly selected the following profile for your reading pleasure.  I have provided my translations in red to help read between the lies lines.

We'll call this guy Mr. Closet Cat Lover:

About me:  I'm a hard working guy trying to come up in the world.  I'm poor, like really poor.  So poor, we can only eat at a restaurant where I've got a coupon.  I'm not a finished product, but I'm getting there.  You may not live long enough to see me get there.

First of all, no crazies.  There's only room for one crazy person in this relationship, and that's gonna be me.  If you're above a 6 on the crazy meter quit reading and go yell at your cat.  I secretly like cats, but that's not cool, so any girl who has a cat is automatically ranked above a 6 on my imaginary crazy meter, even though I'd really like to tap that.  The girl, I mean, not the cat.

I like funny, quirky, weird girls.  Now I'm just saying things that completely contradict my previous statements.  This is step one of a ten-part test to see if a girl can get past my maze of riddles to find out who I really am.  If you consider yourself 'normal' we probably won't make it.  Okay, I like crazy girls a little more than I let on.  And it would help if you had a cat.  I like girls who like sports, but aren't fanatics.  Sports are my life, and they better be yours too.  I would totally take you to a Thunder game, but there's a little piece of paper stating I have to stay 100 feet away from Kevin Durant at all times.  That doesn't make me a fanatic; I prefer the term sports enthusiast.  Also, remind me to tell you about the time I met Kevin Durant. 

I can be a homebody but randomly get the urge to go out sometimes, too.  I'm a bit of a psychopath.  The voices in my head pretty much dictate my activities.  Traveling is a blast, but I don't get to do it as much as I'd like.  Told you I was poor.

If you know the difference in there, their, and they're, we'll get along famously.  Someone alert the grammar police, but make sure you don't tell them about all the punctuation mistakes you've found while reading my profile.  While you're at it, can you define irony?  Neither can I.  Sometimes I use words like "famously" just to make you think I'm debonair.  I have no idea what debonair means either. 

Differentiating you're and your helps, too.  I'm super pretentious and judgmental.

As do green eyes.  Did I forget to mention I'm also a shallow prick?

Today's Updates

• I have officially been online dating for 1 month!  In that time, I've been looked at by 360 guys, exchanged messages with 32, texted with 7, and gone out on dates with 2 (spoiler alert - soon to be 4), resulting in 4 actual dates.  The geek in me wants to extrapolate some conclusions based on this data.  From this small sample, I can predict that about 10% of the guys who look at my profile will send me messages.  From that 10%, about 20% will ask for my number and want to text.  From there, approximately 50% of those guys will want to go out on an actual date.  That means that for all of the guys looking at my profile, about 1% will actually result in a date.  And, now I'm depressed.  I'm interested to see if these numbers hold up through next month.  I suspect the text to date ratio will increase, because I'm getting better at weeding through the messages before we reach the text phase. 
• I've gotten some mixed reactions to the whole Old Ginger Spice ordeal.  Most people think I handled the situation okay, but several people have commented that I could have given it a few more dates.  In this situation, I think everyone's opinions are valid.  You're never going to know for sure if you've done the right thing.  This whole crazy dating experiment is a bit of a gamble.  I was really hoping that Old Ginger Spice would say something horribly racist or offensive on our 3rd date just to make it easier for me to decide.  He didn't.  In this case, I had to say goodbye to the really nice guy who was great for me in a lot of ways.  What can I say, the heart wants what it wants, and it didn't want Old Ginger Spice.  If anyone thinks they might like him, he might be willing to be set up.  Rumor has it he's coming off an intense 3 date relationship, so it may be a bit of a rebound.
• Milton and I messaged off and on all day yesterday, and the conversation flowed really well.  It didn't feel like an interrogation at all.  We were able to quickly get past the get-to-know-you questions and on to a normal conversation.  At the end of the day, he said, "I have really enjoyed getting to know you.  I would like to continue in person at some point soon.  Would you like to meet for coffee and conversation at some point this week?"  Bonus points to Milton for knowing how to ask a girl out and not being afraid to do it.  We're going to meet tomorrow at 8pm at a Starbucks.  I told him I lived in NW Oklahoma City, but I'm a little weirded out that he picked the one Starbucks closest to my house.  He gets more bonus points for chivalry since he's driving way out of his way to meet me.  By the way, these points don't mean anything - it's not like he can trade them in for prizes later.
• I'm a little nervous about the prospect of a coffee date only because coffee shops are lacking in noise.  I'm envisioning us sitting at a tiny table, in silence, drinking coffee, while the barista and assorted hipsters stare us down.  Milton's profile says he's a social drinker, so I'd have rather met at a bar, but he orchestrated this date, and I'm going to make the best of it.  At least a coffee date can be shorter than dinner, so maybe if there's a second date we can do something more active.  Whoa, I'm getting way ahead of myself here.
• Grab some crackers, because this story is about to get cheesy.  Engi-Nerd still hadn't asked me out.  I had decided to ask him out sometime today.  I've gotten some good tips for flirty ways to ask without seeming too forward, but really, timing is key on this.  He sent me a text at lunch with a picture of some really fancy donuts he was taking back to his coworkers.  I summoned my magical flirting powers and texted back, "Are you going to bring me one?"  To which he replied, "Maybe if you plead really well.  Make your case, counselor."  I responded, "Here's my settlement offer - I'll forget about the donuts if we go on a date instead."  That whole thing escalated a little quickly, but he accepted almost immediately, and now he's drawing up the terms, I mean, planning the date.  Yay!  He actually sent me the cutest list of questions to answer so he could plan a good first date.  We're going to have dinner on Tuesday, but he's still figuring out where.
• In other news, the reason Engi-Nerd and I have to wait until Tuesday for our date is because he's going to Dallas this weekend for the Katy Perry concert.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  Actually, scratch that, I know exactly how I feel about that.  If I hear one more guy tell me what a great singer Katy Perry is, I think I might throw-up.  I know exactly what you think is so great about her.  She's got 2 major attributes that sit a little South of her vocal cords.  Men...
• OU Enthusiast #1 is stuck in boring interrogation mode.  He's not very good at having an email conversation.  I'll keep messaging with him just to give him a chance to open up.  I would still consider meeting him in person, but who knows if we'll ever get around to that particular conversation.  We're seriously moving at a snail's pace.  Actually, a snail could kick his ass in a race. 
• I think Referee finally died.  We'll observe a brief moment of silence in his memory....... was that long enough?
  
  



This week, on a very special episode of The Matchbook Diaries...

I feel like this is one of those rare serious episodes of a traditionally slap-stick comedy - you know the one where the main character gets pressured to smoke pot at the party after prom, or the dad finds condoms in the daughter's purse.  The laugh track isn't used as much in those episodes, but you can rest assured the whole thing will end with a heart-to-heart and lots of tears and hugs.  Then next week, it's back to prat-falls and bathroom humor.

Well, last night I had to tell Old Ginger Spice that we weren't going to be seeing each other again.  We had fun on our date on Saturday, but I was 100% sure at that point that we weren't going to work.  It's so difficult, because he's truly a great guy.  We should work.  He matches up to so many things on my imaginary list of demands, except that pesky requirement that I actually need to want to be with that person.  There's no doubt in my mind that Old Ginger Spice and I could have kept dating and maybe even ended up in a long-term (dare I say marriage) relationship, but I would not have been happy.  I would have been settling.

I've seen plenty of people my age and older who find themselves in a relationship like this, and out of a desire to have a family, they choose to make it work.  But more often than not, those relationships end up failing because the couple "grows apart."  It's easy to let that happen when you weren't really cemented together in the first place.  I don't want to think that perfection is possible, but I'm not ready to give up on the dream of finding a guy who really makes me feel something.  If it's meant to be, you shouldn't have to force it.

I ended up calling things off by text.  I went back and forth on this and decided that 3 dates didn't warrant a phone call.  Maybe that's me being a coward - this method certainly was easier for me - but I think it was best for him too.  This whole situation is awkward enough without putting him on the spot to respond to rejection in front of a live studio audience.  This way he could be alone and process for a minute and come up with a response that he was comfortable with.  I'll be the first to say I'm terrible at this relationship stuff.  I just don't have enough experience with it.  I felt like Old Ginger Spice liked me a lot; this was the first time I found myself in a situation where a guy liked me more than I liked him.  I definitely know what it's like to be in his shoes.  

Here's what I said:

So I've been doing lots of thinking.  We've gone out 3 times now, and it's been great getting to know you.  I'm not sure where you're at on this, but I'm just not feeling what I should be feeling at this point to continue dating.  This will sound cliche, but it's totally true - you're a great person, and I like a lot of things about you.  I can't articulate why the chemistry isn't there for me, but it just isn't.  Thanks so much for planning great dates.  Maybe you're on the same page as me, and if so, that's great.  If not, I'm really sorry.  I just think at this stage I'd rather be honest than waste anyone's time.

About 20 minutes later, he responded:

I've had a really good time getting to know you too and spend time with you.  In many ways, I felt we definitely were in sync together, albeit I was a bit slower in others.  Truth be told, I was always a bit bummed once the dates were over because you are such an incredibly funny, witty, and intelligent woman to be around.  I was always looking forward to the next time to see you and talk to you.  I completely understand if that's how you feel.  If you have second thoughts in the future, don't hesitate to give me a shout.....In my circle, it's a bit rare these days to find someone to have such great, enjoyable conversation with...

And.......that made me feel horrible, but I know I did the right thing.  I have zero regrets about ending things.  He's the right guy for someone; he's just not the right guy for me.  This is what's hard about dating.  When I started this project, I only thought about what it would be like to find the right guy, or avoid the occasional (or not so occasional) creep.  I didn't consider what it would be like to have to discard the great guy who just isn't great for me, but it's a package deal.  You can't just skip to the good parts. 

So, do you think I handled this the right way?  If I find myself in a similar situation down the road, what should I do differently?


Today's Updates

• Engi-Nerd is now my number one prospect.  We're still texting.  He mentioned meeting again in a flirty way, but he just doesn't follow through when that happens, so I think I'll be bold and ask him to meet for real.  Or maybe I'll give it one more day.  I'm such a chicken.
• Remember Borat?  Yeah, that guy.  He's still messaging me just to "check-in with me."  I haven't responded to his last 4 messages.  Take the hint, buddy.
• Oscar and I have exchanged a few more messages, but I don't get the feeling that this guy is very serious in his pursuit.  That was made obvious today with his last message.  I should have followed my gut in message two when he asked if I thought he was attractive.  Today he asked me if I had plans for tonight.  I said my plans had just gotten cancelled (which was true), thinking I could be spontaneous and meet him for a drink if he asked.  Then he responded with "nice, are you affectionate?"  I think this question is super weird, especially when he's asked me precious little in our few previous messages.  Maybe I'm overreacting, but I feel like this guy is just looking for a hook-up.  I'm obviously not that kind of girl, so he's out with the garbage, so to speak.  This is yet another good lesson in following my instincts. 
• I've received messages from 2 new guys that are much more promising than the last 2 new guys who messaged me.  The first is a pretty normal, almost bland guy I'll call OU Enthusiast #1.  There's not much in his profile that's real interesting but nothing too alarming either.  He's cute and he sent me a message - not a unique one - he said, "How are you?"  It was pretty special.  We'll see where this goes.  He's already way ahead of Oscar, in my book.
• The other guy is more interesting.  He just looks like he has a good personality from his profile.  In his first message he mentioned that we had the most important thing in common - a love for the movie Office Space.  For that reason, I'm going to call him Milton.  We also share something I find more important - we're both dedicated Christians.  We've been messaging off and on today, and I'm cautiously optimistic to see where this goes.  If anything, we can have fun bouncing Office Space lines back and forth.  "Excuse me, sir, but I believe you have my stapler." *

* If you're not getting these Office Space references, first of all, why are you reading this blog?  It's clear you don't like to laugh.  And second, go right now and buy a copy.  Don't bother renting it, because you will love it, and then you will have wasted $2 on renting a movie you're going to buy anyway.  You can trust me, I'm a lawyer. 

Lions and tigers and bears.....and still I feel nothing - Date Diary #4

There's something about starting your Saturday off with a date that really makes you feel good about yourself.  I don't know why I didn't do this years ago.  Oh wait, I remember why.  Nobody asked me.  But that all changed today.  I had my 3rd date with Old Ginger Spice.  We went to the zoo, and had a great time.  Later, I'll tell you all about how I'm probably never going to go out with him again, but first, the date details. 

Pre-Game

 

I'm sure by now, you all are getting tired of looking at pictures of me in the same selfie pose, so this time, I'll just let you imagine how I looked.  Oh fine, I can hear you yelling at me from your computers at home.  Here's the picture.  I would apologize for the poor lighting, but this is not a professional photography blog, and I rarely apologize for anything. 

 

Here's how I looked for my date:

 

 

Whoops, my bad.  That's actually a picture of some really friendly rhinos at the zoo.  Here's how I actually looked for my date:

 

Now picture that, covered in sweat, no make-up left, with my hair plastered to my head as if I'd just gotten out of the shower, and you'll have a vague idea of how awesome I looked at the end of the date, but we'll get to that later.

 

The Date

 

Old Ginger Spice was about 10 minutes late picking me up, but he let me know by text.  I'm sensing a theme with him.  Our conversation was a little forced at the beginning.  He commented for the second time that I still had phonebooks languishing on my front porch.  Listen buddy, my phonebooks are my business.  Don't go trying to change me into some Stepford version of a woman who doesn't let junk mail pile up outside her front door.  It's my one white-trash, dysfunctional quirk.  Deal with it.  Also, there may be more than one.

 

Once we got on the road, things got a little better, but I knew pretty much from the beginning that this date was going to be an exercise in futility.  That's a horrible feeling.  I'm going to try to bottle it for future situations where I don't think there's long-term potential.  I originally accepted this date because I wanted to be really sure before discarding this guy.  He's so great on paper, and we should work perfectly, but we just don't.  I didn't want to still be single six months from now and lament the really nice tall guy who I let get away.  So on that front, I'm glad I gave it one more shot. 

 

The zoo was a really fun date location.  It was beautiful weather, at least to start - by the end it felt like we were walking around on the surface of the sun.  Surprisingly, the zoo wasn't too crowded.  There was plenty to see, so that took the pressure off having to have constant conversation.  The animals seemed to understand what I needed and were on their best behavior.  Old Ginger Spice commented several times that the animals were particularly, well, animated. 

 

 

The Good

• He opened my car door again every time.  It still means as much to me today as it did on our second date.
• The date didn't cost him any money!  I was feeling guilty about accepting a third date when I was almost sure it would be our last, but he has a pass to the zoo that got us both in, and we didn't end up eating or anything, so it was a free date.
• It was really fun to go to the zoo - I hadn't been to the OKC zoo yet even though I really like zoos, and I've lived here for like 5 years.

The Bad

• In person, Old Ginger Spice is a lot less charming and a lot more awkward.  I don't know if he's just nervous, but his jokes fall really flat.  There's a chance I'm just reading his messages through rose colored glasses, but I think he really is more charming by text.
• The physical chemistry just isn't there.  I had a friend suggest that kissing him might help me decide, but I literally have no desire to kiss him.  That's a pretty clear indication that I'm not feeling it.

The Ugly

• By the end of our stroll around the zoo, I looked like I'd wrestled with a gorilla in the dirty hippo water.  Not attractive.  Note to self, don't choose date activities where you will be outside for an extended length of time in sweltering OKC weather.   
• When he dropped me off, he unbuckled his seat belt.  The last time a guy did that, I got the hell out of there, (because it had literally been the worst date ever) and the guy ended up patting me on the back. Not wanting a repeat of the awkward hug incident, or ugh, maybe more, I exited the scene as non weirdly as I could. 
• This is the end for Old Ginger Spice and me.  I'm glad we tried, and if nothing else, I learned a lot more about what I'm looking for in a serious relationship.  The idea of finding a guy that likes all the same things that you like is a nice idea, but in practice, it may not be the kind of guy you really want.  That's valuable information. 
• I didn't end things with him today.  I probably should have, but I chickened out about the time he unbuckled his seat belt.  Now I need to exit in a way that's kind but honest.  Suggestions?  I know 3 dates does not equal a relationship, but I feel like I need to at least tell him that we're not going to go out again. I feel bad, but I'd feel worse if I just started ignoring him.

 

Today's Updates

• Now that I'm mentally done with Old Ginger Spice, I feel more free to talk to other boys.  Now I just need other boys to start messaging me. 
• I'm texting with Engi-Nerd.  It's a little slow going.  I'm not sure what this guy's issue is.  I don't think he's the one necessarily, but I wouldn't mind meeting him if only for the awesome blog content it would provide.
• Referee is still messaging me.  We're up to 36 emails and counting.  Neither of us has died yet, so we'll keep going.
• A few other guys have winked at me or liked my profile.  I've liked a few of them back, so we'll see what happens.  They all seem to be 40+.  Nicknames to follow.
• Oscar hasn't messaged me back, so maybe I'm the one getting dumped.



Dear Kind Sir with Undiagnosed Dementia

Well, I'm spending my Friday night writing this post for my moderately popular online dating blog, so obviously online dating is going really well for me.  And now for what's quickly becoming my favorite series - Letters to crazy boys I'll never respond to in real life.  This week, I'm playing fast and loose with the word boy.  I received my first official wink from a senior citizen - he was 63 and clearly not playing dominoes with a full set of tiles.  Enjoy. 

Dear Kind Sir with Undiagnosed Dementia:

First off, kudos to you on the above average computer skills.  The baby boomer generation is pretty hit and miss when it comes to being tech savvy, but you've managed to learn a new skill in your advanced age.  Guess it's not true what they say about old dogs and new tricks.

When I got your wink, I initially tried to give you the benefit of the doubt.  The most logical explanation was that you'd fallen and simply couldn't get up.  Obviously your dating site app was closer than your Life Alert button.  That wink was a cry for help!  I also considered the possibility that you'd gotten some kind of old person ointment in your eye.  It was probably meant to help with your cataracts, but with your vision compromised and your mental acuity impaired, you confused a real wink with a virtual one. Common mistake.  It could happen to anyone.

Assuming you actually meant to hit on me, what did you really hope to achieve?  You are more than twice my age.  I realize the school system is teaching new math these days, but I'm pretty sure they covered good old-fashioned subtraction in the one room school house you no doubt attended.  Any guy whose age is more than double mine is going instantly into the pedophile category.  I considered reporting you to the site administrators for inappropriate activity, but after a thorough reading of the user agreement, I didn't see where having delusions of grandeur was a reportable offense.

From a brief reading of your profile, I understand you were so focused on your career that you missed out on love and a family, but I'm not sure why I should have to suffer for your lack of self-awareness.  You've been retired for the last decade, so the fact that you're still looking for that special someone is a bigger red flag than your liver spots.

How would this work anyway?  You'd pick me up around 3:30 for a romantic mid-afternoon dinner at the local Denny's; we'd forgo the stroll around Lake Hefner because your hip just can't take the humidity, so instead we'd stop by Walgreen's for a Metamucil night-cap, followed with a multivitamin chaser and a little blue pill.  Ugh, I just grossed myself out.....Metamucil.....yuck!

I appreciate that you don't mind the age difference.  I'm sure to your buddies down at the VFW, you'll be an instant hero, but what would we talk about?  I'm sure you and my dad would have a lot in common.  You could bond over all kinds of things.....Vietnam, the invention of television, how weird it is that women can wear pants...and vote...the possibilities are endless.  But I'm looking for someone who can sit back and watch Mad Men without telling me how things really worked back in the 50s.

Take my advice - turn up your hearing aide, because you're going to want to hear this.  Once you're a senior citizen, don't hit on women more than 10 years younger than you.  If you want a nurse, file a medicare claim.  I won't be interested for another 20 years at least, and by that time you'll probably be chatting up the hot new cafeteria worker at the nursing home.  She won't be interested either, but she'll keep you on the chain with offers of extra banana pudding and buttermilk.  Score.  For now, as far as I'm concerned, go peddle your Fixadent Fresh routine somewhere else. Unless, of course, you've got Bill Gates kind of money, and then.....maybe.

Sincerely,

The girl who's young enough to be your granddaughter


Today's Updates

• Old Ginger Spice called me Wednesday night to chat.  We talked for a few minutes, awkwardly, I might add.  In a world were all my communication takes place through a screen, I think I've forgotten how to have a normal phone conversation.  He asked if I would be interested in going to either a food truck festival on Friday night or the zoo on Saturday morning.  For a second, I considered saying no to both and just having the uncomfortable "it's not you, it's me, okay, maybe it's a little bit you" discussion.  Instead, I stuck with my earlier plan to give this guy one more shot.  I chose the zoo option.  There didn't seem to be much point in going to a food truck festival with a guy who's proven he's not adventurous enough for food truck cuisine.  Plus, a Friday night date felt like more pressure than a Saturday morning stroll through the zoo.  We'll see how it goes. 
• Referee is still messaging me.  Yesterday's email was really special.  It said, "Have a great Thursday!"  This guy's got major game.
• Engi-Nerd is still in the running.  He hasn't mentioned meeting, but he did ask to switch to text, so I gave him my number.  I could be bold and take the next step to ask him out, but the last time I was bold, I ended up hugging Old Ginger Spice, so I'm going to give it a few more days.
• I've gotten messages from two new guys - the first one is a teacher who went to some college with Appalachia in the name, so that's what we'll call him.  Appalachia seemed somewhat promising, despite the troubling nickname.  He had an okay face (somewhat similar to Geek Squad), but he looked like he was interested in a wide variety of things.  He winked at me, I liked his profile, then he messaged me.  His first message was a laundry list of random things he liked that he wanted me to respond to.  The list included things like denim skirts, football, cowboy boots, dancing, and cooking.  I went against my better judgement and responded.  His next message talked about how he's looking for a girl who can wear a "sexy pair of jeans and cowboy boots, but can also rock a denim skirt and heels."  No doubt this would be the costume required for cooking and dancing.  I'm not sure why he thinks those two outfits are mutually exclusive in your average girl, but I think his premature use of the word "sexy" will end our communication.
• The other guy is a rather aggressive gentleman who just moved to OKC from Iowa.  He works on the corporate side of Waste Management, so we'll call him Oscar (as in the grouch).  Oscar also seemed somewhat promising, although his first message was a little over the top.  He mentioned that he was new to OKC, and feeling spontaneous, and he wanted to know if I had plans for that night.  First of all, back-up a bit - we don't know each other.  He also commented that I was beautiful.  Well, okay, who's going to argue with that?  So I messaged him back and just asked a few normal questions.  He responded with answers, then threw on at the end, "Do you find me attractive at all?"  I messaged him back that I thought he was handsome, but a little forward.  I'm turned off when a guy wants to talk physical characteristics in the first few messages.  I get a real hit-it-and-quit-it vibe.  However, a friend cautioned me that people from Iowa can be a little different.  Since I have no evidence to refute this, I'll give him until Monday to see what he's about before kicking him to the curb.  Monday is my neighborhood's trash day, so that seems appropriate.