Dear Kind Sir with Undiagnosed Dementia:
First off, kudos to you on the above average computer skills. The baby boomer generation is pretty hit and miss when it comes to being tech savvy, but you've managed to learn a new skill in your advanced age. Guess it's not true what they say about old dogs and new tricks.
When I got your wink, I initially tried to give you the benefit of the doubt. The most logical explanation was that you'd fallen and simply couldn't get up. Obviously your dating site app was closer than your Life Alert button. That wink was a cry for help! I also considered the possibility that you'd gotten some kind of old person ointment in your eye. It was probably meant to help with your cataracts, but with your vision compromised and your mental acuity impaired, you confused a real wink with a virtual one. Common mistake. It could happen to anyone.
Assuming you actually meant to hit on me, what did you really hope to achieve? You are more than twice my age. I realize the school system is teaching new math these days, but I'm pretty sure they covered good old-fashioned subtraction in the one room school house you no doubt attended. Any guy whose age is more than double mine is going instantly into the pedophile category. I considered reporting you to the site administrators for inappropriate activity, but after a thorough reading of the user agreement, I didn't see where having delusions of grandeur was a reportable offense.
From a brief reading of your profile, I understand you were so focused on your career that you missed out on love and a family, but I'm not sure why I should have to suffer for your lack of self-awareness. You've been retired for the last decade, so the fact that you're still looking for that special someone is a bigger red flag than your liver spots.
How would this work anyway? You'd pick me up around 3:30 for a romantic mid-afternoon dinner at the local Denny's; we'd forgo the stroll around Lake Hefner because your hip just can't take the humidity, so instead we'd stop by Walgreen's for a Metamucil night-cap, followed with a multivitamin chaser and a little blue pill. Ugh, I just grossed myself out.....Metamucil.....yuck!
I appreciate that you don't mind the age difference. I'm sure to your buddies down at the VFW, you'll be an instant hero, but what would we talk about? I'm sure you and my dad would have a lot in common. You could bond over all kinds of things.....Vietnam, the invention of television, how weird it is that women can wear pants...and vote...the possibilities are endless. But I'm looking for someone who can sit back and watch Mad Men without telling me how things really worked back in the 50s.
Take my advice - turn up your hearing aide, because you're going to want to hear this. Once you're a senior citizen, don't hit on women more than 10 years younger than you. If you want a nurse, file a medicare claim. I won't be interested for another 20 years at least, and by that time you'll probably be chatting up the hot new cafeteria worker at the nursing home. She won't be interested either, but she'll keep you on the chain with offers of extra banana pudding and buttermilk. Score. For now, as far as I'm concerned, go peddle your Fixadent Fresh routine somewhere else. Unless, of course, you've got Bill Gates kind of money, and then.....maybe.
Sincerely,
The girl who's young enough to be your granddaughter
Today's Updates
- Old Ginger Spice called me Wednesday night to chat. We talked for a few minutes, awkwardly, I might add. In a world were all my communication takes place through a screen, I think I've forgotten how to have a normal phone conversation. He asked if I would be interested in going to either a food truck festival on Friday night or the zoo on Saturday morning. For a second, I considered saying no to both and just having the uncomfortable "it's not you, it's me, okay, maybe it's a little bit you" discussion. Instead, I stuck with my earlier plan to give this guy one more shot. I chose the zoo option. There didn't seem to be much point in going to a food truck festival with a guy who's proven he's not adventurous enough for food truck cuisine. Plus, a Friday night date felt like more pressure than a Saturday morning stroll through the zoo. We'll see how it goes.
- Referee is still messaging me. Yesterday's email was really special. It said, "Have a great Thursday!" This guy's got major game.
- Engi-Nerd is still in the running. He hasn't mentioned meeting, but he did ask to switch to text, so I gave him my number. I could be bold and take the next step to ask him out, but the last time I was bold, I ended up hugging Old Ginger Spice, so I'm going to give it a few more days.
- I've gotten messages from two new guys - the first one is a teacher who went to some college with Appalachia in the name, so that's what we'll call him. Appalachia seemed somewhat promising, despite the troubling nickname. He had an okay face (somewhat similar to Geek Squad), but he looked like he was interested in a wide variety of things. He winked at me, I liked his profile, then he messaged me. His first message was a laundry list of random things he liked that he wanted me to respond to. The list included things like denim skirts, football, cowboy boots, dancing, and cooking. I went against my better judgement and responded. His next message talked about how he's looking for a girl who can wear a "sexy pair of jeans and cowboy boots, but can also rock a denim skirt and heels." No doubt this would be the costume required for cooking and dancing. I'm not sure why he thinks those two outfits are mutually exclusive in your average girl, but I think his premature use of the word "sexy" will end our communication.
- The other guy is a rather aggressive gentleman who just moved to OKC from Iowa. He works on the corporate side of Waste Management, so we'll call him Oscar (as in the grouch). Oscar also seemed somewhat promising, although his first message was a little over the top. He mentioned that he was new to OKC, and feeling spontaneous, and he wanted to know if I had plans for that night. First of all, back-up a bit - we don't know each other. He also commented that I was beautiful. Well, okay, who's going to argue with that? So I messaged him back and just asked a few normal questions. He responded with answers, then threw on at the end, "Do you find me attractive at all?" I messaged him back that I thought he was handsome, but a little forward. I'm turned off when a guy wants to talk physical characteristics in the first few messages. I get a real hit-it-and-quit-it vibe. However, a friend cautioned me that people from Iowa can be a little different. Since I have no evidence to refute this, I'll give him until Monday to see what he's about before kicking him to the curb. Monday is my neighborhood's trash day, so that seems appropriate.
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