After spending the last few weeks reading an endless supply of profiles, I think it's safe to say a lot of men are confused about what they really want. It doesn't help that the majority lack the ability to express themselves in writing. I have not so randomly selected the following profile for your reading pleasure. I have provided my translations in red to help read between the lies lines.
We'll call this guy Mr. Closet Cat Lover:
About me: I'm a hard working guy trying to come up in the world. I'm poor, like really poor. So poor, we can only eat at a restaurant where I've got a coupon. I'm not a finished product, but I'm getting there. You may not live long enough to see me get there.
First of all, no crazies. There's only room for one crazy person in this relationship, and that's gonna be me. If you're above a 6 on the crazy meter quit reading and go yell at your cat. I secretly like cats, but that's not cool, so any girl who has a cat is automatically ranked above a 6 on my imaginary crazy meter, even though I'd really like to tap that. The girl, I mean, not the cat.
I like funny, quirky, weird girls. Now I'm just saying things that completely contradict my previous statements. This is step one of a ten-part test to see if a girl can get past my maze of riddles to find out who I really am. If you consider yourself 'normal' we probably won't make it. Okay, I like crazy girls a little more than I let on. And it would help if you had a cat. I like girls who like sports, but aren't fanatics. Sports are my life, and they better be yours too. I would totally take you to a Thunder game, but there's a little piece of paper stating I have to stay 100 feet away from Kevin Durant at all times. That doesn't make me a fanatic; I prefer the term sports enthusiast. Also, remind me to tell you about the time I met Kevin Durant.
I can be a homebody but randomly get the urge to go out sometimes, too. I'm a bit of a psychopath. The voices in my head pretty much dictate my activities. Traveling is a blast, but I don't get to do it as much as I'd like. Told you I was poor.
If you know the difference in there, their, and they're, we'll get along famously. Someone alert the grammar police, but make sure you don't tell them about all the punctuation mistakes you've found while reading my profile. While you're at it, can you define irony? Neither can I. Sometimes I use words like "famously" just to make you think I'm debonair. I have no idea what debonair means either.
Differentiating you're and your helps, too. I'm super pretentious and judgmental.
As do green eyes. Did I forget to mention I'm also a shallow prick?
Today's Updates
- I have officially been online dating for 1 month! In that time, I've been looked at by 360 guys, exchanged messages with 32, texted with 7, and gone out on dates with 2 (spoiler alert - soon to be 4), resulting in 4 actual dates. The geek in me wants to extrapolate some conclusions based on this data. From this small sample, I can predict that about 10% of the guys who look at my profile will send me messages. From that 10%, about 20% will ask for my number and want to text. From there, approximately 50% of those guys will want to go out on an actual date. That means that for all of the guys looking at my profile, about 1% will actually result in a date. And, now I'm depressed. I'm interested to see if these numbers hold up through next month. I suspect the text to date ratio will increase, because I'm getting better at weeding through the messages before we reach the text phase.
- I've gotten some mixed reactions to the whole Old Ginger Spice ordeal. Most people think I handled the situation okay, but several people have commented that I could have given it a few more dates. In this situation, I think everyone's opinions are valid. You're never going to know for sure if you've done the right thing. This whole crazy dating experiment is a bit of a gamble. I was really hoping that Old Ginger Spice would say something horribly racist or offensive on our 3rd date just to make it easier for me to decide. He didn't. In this case, I had to say goodbye to the really nice guy who was great for me in a lot of ways. What can I say, the heart wants what it wants, and it didn't want Old Ginger Spice. If anyone thinks they might like him, he might be willing to be set up. Rumor has it he's coming off an intense 3 date relationship, so it may be a bit of a rebound.
- Milton and I messaged off and on all day yesterday, and the conversation flowed really well. It didn't feel like an interrogation at all. We were able to quickly get past the get-to-know-you questions and on to a normal conversation. At the end of the day, he said, "I have really enjoyed getting to know you. I would like to continue in person at some point soon. Would you like to meet for coffee and conversation at some point this week?" Bonus points to Milton for knowing how to ask a girl out and not being afraid to do it. We're going to meet tomorrow at 8pm at a Starbucks. I told him I lived in NW Oklahoma City, but I'm a little weirded out that he picked the one Starbucks closest to my house. He gets more bonus points for chivalry since he's driving way out of his way to meet me. By the way, these points don't mean anything - it's not like he can trade them in for prizes later.
- I'm a little nervous about the prospect of a coffee date only because coffee shops are lacking in noise. I'm envisioning us sitting at a tiny table, in silence, drinking coffee, while the barista and assorted hipsters stare us down. Milton's profile says he's a social drinker, so I'd have rather met at a bar, but he orchestrated this date, and I'm going to make the best of it. At least a coffee date can be shorter than dinner, so maybe if there's a second date we can do something more active. Whoa, I'm getting way ahead of myself here.
- Grab some crackers, because this story is about to get cheesy. Engi-Nerd still hadn't asked me out. I had decided to ask him out sometime today. I've gotten some good tips for flirty ways to ask without seeming too forward, but really, timing is key on this. He sent me a text at lunch with a picture of some really fancy donuts he was taking back to his coworkers. I summoned my magical flirting powers and texted back, "Are you going to bring me one?" To which he replied, "Maybe if you plead really well. Make your case, counselor." I responded, "Here's my settlement offer - I'll forget about the donuts if we go on a date instead." That whole thing escalated a little quickly, but he accepted almost immediately, and now he's drawing up the terms, I mean, planning the date. Yay! He actually sent me the cutest list of questions to answer so he could plan a good first date. We're going to have dinner on Tuesday, but he's still figuring out where.
- In other news, the reason Engi-Nerd and I have to wait until Tuesday for our date is because he's going to Dallas this weekend for the Katy Perry concert. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Actually, scratch that, I know exactly how I feel about that. If I hear one more guy tell me what a great singer Katy Perry is, I think I might throw-up. I know exactly what you think is so great about her. She's got 2 major attributes that sit a little South of her vocal cords. Men...
- OU Enthusiast #1 is stuck in boring interrogation mode. He's not very good at having an email conversation. I'll keep messaging with him just to give him a chance to open up. I would still consider meeting him in person, but who knows if we'll ever get around to that particular conversation. We're seriously moving at a snail's pace. Actually, a snail could kick his ass in a race.
- I think Referee finally died. We'll observe a brief moment of silence in his memory....... was that long enough?
This. Is. Hilarious.
ReplyDeleteI just shared your blog with my co-worker so that we can cheer you on/ laugh at the weirdos you encounter.
Thanks! Glad you liked it! Always happy to have a new reader. Feel free to share this with anyone who might find it funny. I've got no shame.
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