And now, for my next trick...

This marks the first post after Milton and I had our big DTR (define the relationship) discussion, meaning this is the first post where I know he might be reading.  That's pretty much the reason it's taken me 4 days to revisit the blog.  I had a lot of things to consider:

Did it even make sense to try and continue writing?

Would Milton be able to handle having part of his life analyzed and documented for my readers?

Could I write in an honest and authentic way if I knew he was reading it?

Would anyone care to read the blog if I was suddenly happy instead of surly?

I'm not sure I've been able to answer all of those questions, so for now this is going to be a bit of an experiment.  I talked with Milton at length about continuing to write the blog, and he seems to think it will be okay as long as I don't divulge his darkest secrets to the world.  To be fair, he hasn't told me any dark secrets, and he probably won't since I sort of write a public blog about our relationship. Also, this "at length" discussion was only "at length" for a boy - I basically kept asking him if he was okay with it, and he just kept saying yes without expounding for hours upon hours like any decent girl would have done.  Boys....

I'm going to endeavor to write about what I'm feeling with the same truth and sarcasm as I've been doing so far.  Trust me, if it doesn't work, we'll all know it because the posts will suck.  I will probably not be writing date diaries for every date I have with Milton.  That would be exhausting, and frankly, there's only so many times you can read about two people eating dinner and watching TV before you start to look for a razor blade.  I may make exceptions for extra special occasions.

I already warned Milton that he can't text or say really sweet things to me if his only motivation is to be talked about positively on the blog.  I'm on to you, mister.  Nobody is that sweet all the time.

For my part, I do not want the blog to become a substitute for talking to Milton about what I'm feeling.  I can't use the blog to passive aggressively send him messages, as much as I might want to. For example, it would be super inappropriate to write a post about how all I've ever wanted was a French bulldog puppy and that I would be so happy if someone would get me one.  That just wouldn't be right.  I've decided my personal rule will be that I cannot write about an issue, concern, or feeling that I'm having in the relationship if I haven't already had a discussion about it with Milton.  Fair enough?  By the way, I can totally see a point in the not-to-distant future where Milton begs me to blog about my feelings instead of talking to him about it.

Okay, enough of the heavy....

So my last day on the site, I got winked at by a 65-year-old and messaged by a 20-year-old.  It was kind of a nice bookend for my last day of online dating, although I did not find either contact to be flattering.  Both experiences were super creepy, and I feel that neither should be legal for obvious reasons.  Ironically, my response to both guys is the same - I'm not interested in changing diapers.


Today's Updates

• The other day a friend sent me this article about how to date a girl who's been alone for a really long time.  Milton and I had just started dating so I wasn't even reading it with him in mind, but as we got more serious, it was apparent to me that the article was spot on for some of the emotions I've been having.  I mentioned it to Milton the night he asked me to go steady.  I thought about doing a whole post about it, but I'd rather just provide the link and say, "yup, that about sums me up."  Consequently, one of the first comments on the article says, "What a good way to justify being a bitch and crazy."  #truthbomb.
• Apparently Milton told his mother about me today.  He gave me a brief rundown of what he told her, and I just hope I can live up to the hype.  He did not tell her about the blog.  That's probably wise.
• This whole having a boyfriend thing is super weird.  I've been single for so long that I really didn't know what I was getting myself into in starting a relationship.  I talked to Milton about this last night, and he didn't run screaming from the house, so I think he understood where I was coming from.  My personal struggle stems from a few things - 1) I'm very independent, so I'm just not used to having a guy who wants to spend time with me and talk about random stuff from my day.  I'm not used to all the attention; 2) That also means I'm not used to having someone that I want to spend time with and talk to about random stuff; 3) I'm more of an analytical personality, so I tend to, you know, analyze stuff to an absurd degree - For the first time in my life I'm actually jealous of the kind of free-spirited Birkenstock wearing hippie chicks who can just go with the flow and have fun; 4) I'm not sure I make a very good girlfriend.  Milton is so much kinder than me, in pretty much every way.  I'm not sure how he can stand me; 5) I don't want to get hurt.  Who does, right?
• A friend offered me the following analogy for how men and women approach relationships: Women are like elephants and men are like mice.  I was inclined to quit listening after he compared women to elephants, but he urged me to hear him out.  Basically, there's no way the mouse can hurt the elephant, but the elephant is terrified of the mouse.  This analogy was supposed to make me feel better about having all these conflicting emotions that come with a new relationship, but I'm too busy being afraid of the mouse to see the up-side.