The first impression is always the most important. It doesn't have to be perfect. Certainly, a bad first impression can blossom into a wonderful relationship, but there are some things one just can't recover from. For example, a guy who walks up to me at a bar will have a hard time getting anywhere if he opens with how much he'd like to "remove that stick up my ass and make me smile." And yes, that actually happened many years ago. I told him exactly what I'd do with that stick if removed. Needless to say, he wanted it to stay put.
In online dating your interactions are taking place through a screen, so if anything, you should be more careful in how you craft your opening line. In theory, you've had time to review the profile of the person you want to contact and have been able to come up with something personalized and meaningful. In theory. In practice, boys apparently spend about 3 seconds deciding what form of "please have my babies" would be most charming before hitting send.
Based solely on my experience as a girl and a former online dater, I'd like to give you all a little advice about how to craft that perfect opening message.
Here's what doesn't work:
- Any mention of a girls face or body in the opening sentence - This happens so much more than I'm comfortable with. I got a lot of messages on the site over the last month. The majority of the messages that I chose not to respond to contained some mention of how beautiful I was in the first sentence. Some people might be okay with this, but I believe if your goal is to find an actual relationship and not just a hook-up, steer clear of the boys who focus purely on the physical. And in that vein...
- Any requests to be their baby mama - This was less frequent, but still an issue. I appreciate that these guys at least read my profile enough to know that I'd like to have kids someday, but it's presumptuous of them to think I'd like to have their children.
- One word openers like "hi" or "hey" - If you can't be bothered to write at least one full sentence, then I can't be bothered to respond. Short, pointless messages are a clear sign that a guy is sending messages to every girl he's matched with on the site. He's just after critical mass, and sending out one-word messages is the only efficient way to reach all the ladies.
- Saying, "I really liked your profile," and then not saying anything else - It's totally fine if this sentence is wrapped in with a few others that are more personal. But saying only that you liked someone's profile is like saying, "Hi, I'm captain obvious, it's nice to meet you." Clearly you liked my profile, because you're messaging me. How about telling what it was about my profile that you liked.
- Straight up giving me your phone number and asking me to text you - Way too fast!
- Writing a reasonably long message that is so full of grammar mistakes that it's not readable - I had one like this, and I've almost decided that it had to be a joke. The alternative is just too sad. Hooked on phonics, buddy. It's a thing.
Here's what does work:
- Pretty much anything that shows you actually read the other person's profile - If you want to message them, there must be something about their profile that caught your eye. Was it a shared favorite movie or food, a common hobby, or love of the same city? Whatever it was, use that as a jumping off point to start a conversation. Some of this starts with how you write your own profile. For example, I tried to infuse enough personality in my own by mentioning my hatred of Miley Cyrus and my love of grocery store flowers. The better messages I received used those little tidbits of information as the starting point for their message. It immediately showed me that they had read my profile and picked up on something that was important to me.
- Old Ginger Spice - As you'll recall, he defended the contributions of Miley Cyrus.
- TaxMan - Even though he didn't want to exchange more than a few messages, he piqued my interest with his clever acknowledgment of my use of bulleted lists.
- Milton - He mentioned our shared love of the movie Office Space in his opening message, and spoiler alert, that sort of worked out.
- Make sure your message is more than one sentence but less than 20 - I'm not exactly sure where the sweet spot is, but one sentence is not nearly invested enough, while a full chapter may invoke panic on the part of the reader. They need to know you're interested, not that you're a stalker.
Today's Updates
- So I mentioned my freak-out. I'm sure you all could see what was happening based on my last post. Milton certainly cracked that code with minimal effort. I felt like I'd already talked to him about it before posting, but apparently I hadn't really gone into enough detail in person. I have to say, that's one of the things I really like about him - he doesn't let me get away with anything. He's not afraid to have a difficult discussion, and he definitely listens to any concerns I have without making me feel stupid.
- I'm happy to report, I'm no longer freaking-out. I spent pretty much all day Friday and Saturday with Milton, and it was so great! We have so much fun whether we're doing something or nothing. I'm enjoying all the butterflies that come from spending time with him. This truly is the fun part!
- I survived, or rather Milton survived, meeting my sister and brother-in-law. They're both so important to me. If they hadn't liked Milton, that would have made things really difficult. Luckily, they both really liked him. Next up, I will be meeting Milton's mother. I'm happy about this, but of course, it comes with the normal amount of anxiety. But it's safe to say, the woman who raised Milton has to be amazing.
In other news, I finally got Milton's permission to share his picture on the blog. This is a big day for all of us!
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Well he's still a little shy, but don't I look happy?
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