Wonder why he's still single....oh yeah, he's really creepy/strange/obnoxious (choose all that apply)

I am already so worn out with this online dating thing and it's only been a few days.  Trust me, that is not the last time you'll hear me say that!

In my hours and hours of online profile perusing, I have deduced that there are really only 3 kinds of guys who put their profiles on internet dating sites.  I'd like to give you a brief rundown of each type.  This will save time in later posts when I need to quickly orient you as to what kind of potential suitor I'm talking about:

The name kind of says it all, am I right?  These guys post the scariest profile pictures you have ever seen - we're talking face tattoos, beer helmets, and full on NASCAR apparel.  They are usually, but not always, about 20 years outside your age parameter.  Coincidentally, their age parameters are always set at 18 and up.  I am under no delusions that they actually care if you're over 18 or not.  They are the most confident people I have ever come across in my 31 years.  The term "swing for the fence" is not sufficient to explain their narcissism.  They have no problems messaging you out of the blue to tell you how beautiful you are and to ask if you'd like to meet.  No thank you, kind sir wearing the overalls with no shirt.  I will not get in your scary-ass van and be taken to the second location.  I know what happens at the second location.  Every time I get a message from one of these fellas, I start to hear that delightful little banjo tune from that classic buddy comedy, Deliverance.

BIG BANG THEORISTS

To be fair, these guys have the most dating potential out of the 3 major dude types from the online dating pool - at least that is if you can figure out anything about them.  They are identified by a reserved disposition - a shyness that seems to exude from even their profile pictures.  Their pictures are often poorly lit and may include multiple people, as if they didn't really want you to be able to figure out who you're communicating with.  Well played.  In a picture with 10 guys in their mid-thirties, all wearing tuxedos, I couldn't possibly identify the funny, smart guy looking for a funny, smart girl.  Their hobbies and interests are the definition of generic.  They like "food" and "sports" and "talking about things."  I call them Big Bang Theorists because, while I assume they do in fact want to find a relationship, I think their actual experience with relationships all exists in theory.  They have no actual experience banging, they just know that they want to at some point.  I think with a little hair product, a new wardrobe, and let's be honest, a little liquor, they might make for an okay date. 

BARNEY STINSON

He's well bred, suited up, and ready to sell you a used car if ever you should need one. He owns an endless supply of khaki shorts and Sperry Top Siders, but he's never been on a boat.  His hair is perfectly coiffed, and he will expect yours to be as well.  His profile pics always show him in the best light, probably because he hired a professional photographer just for the occasion.  His profile pictures may include attractive young ladies, leaving you to wonder if he's arrogant enough to post a picture with an ex-girlfriend or his family genes really are that good and his sister is just into hugging her brother in a slightly inappropriate fashion.  He says he wants a nice, funny, smart girl to share his life with, but what he actually wants is a hook-up on a Saturday night, or maybe a Tuesday or Wednesday.  After all, he's not picky.  According to him, he's much more attracted to your mind than your body.  Isn't that the kind of classy, progressive opinion you'd expect from a guy who's favorite movie is American Pie?


There is an urban legend I've heard in recent days about a 4th type of guy.  We'll call him NORMAL.  He's interested in hanging out with friends, watching movies, reading books that don't have pictures, going to concerts and museums, and he's probably divorced rather than separated.  In other words, he's not STILL MARRIED.  I may have just been messaged by one of these guys this evening, but I'm going to proceed with caution.  This is not my first time at the rodeo.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me 18 times, shame on me.


Today's Updates

• I have a date on Thursday with an actual human guy I met from the site.  He messaged me out of the blue (a little aggressive), but he seems to be a hybrid of a Big Bang Theorist and a Normal.  So he's a Normal Bang Theorist?  The title needs work.  I've nicknamed him Geek Squad (I'll let you crack that code).  I didn't want to use his actual user name.  That would feel invasive and mean.  Side note, if he does turn out to be the one, I'm going to need you all to do me a solid and not mention the fact that I used to call him Geek Squad.  Girl code - we're all in the together! 
• Pros - (1) He took the initiative to ask me to meet, (2) When I agreed to meet, he responded with an actual plan - took him up a full notch on the hotness scale.
• Cons - (1) He doesn't seem like much of a talker, (2) I'm not immediately attracted to him based on his picture, but personality is more important to me, so I'm definitely willing to give this a shot. 
• I spent the better part of my early evening messaging with a guy from East India I immediately nicknamed East India Trading.  He was funny and engaging, if not a little over committed to his Cross-fit regimen.  He asked me for my number so we could switch to text and make a plan to meet.  Two texts later, LITERALLY TWO TEXTS LATER, he said "Honestly, I'm not sensing a connection.  Don't know if we're good for each other.  Sorry friend.  I was thinking we could still meet for coffee and see if it goes anywhere, but I don't want to drag it along." 
• Pros - Good thing we didn't meet.  Clearly this guy is mentally ill.
• Cons - I'm still trying to figure out what happened here.  I didn't ask him for his number.  I didn't ask him to meet me for coffee.  All I did was be completely charming.  Clearly this Brown Sugar couldn't handle all my Whitey McWhite. 
• While I was writing this post I got a message from a 37-year-old redhead we'll call Old Ginger Spice, and I'm oddly optimistic.  Instead of that trite and tired opening of telling me how beautiful I am (I mean, who really wants to hear that over and over), he made a somewhat heartfelt (and sarcastic) plea for me to reconsider the contributions of Miley Cyrus.  He may not have convinced me to buy her latest album, but he did make me laugh.  His reward was as witty a reply as I could muster.  We'll see what happens.
• Pros - (1) funny, (2) handsome, (3) tons of compatible interests.
• Cons - Don't know yet, but I'm sure he'll let his freak flag fly before we actually meet.  They always do.

Now, who wants over/under on Geek Squad standing me up?