See, what had happened was...I lost my freaking mind.

Online dating doesn't work.  Online dating turns men into cowardly wimps and women into insecure bimbos.  At least these are the kinds of things I used to say when people would so helpfully suggest that I give online dating a try.  I've spent hours of my life making big speeches about how I'm never going to try online dating because it's evil.  Here's hoping the people to whom I've made those speeches don't read blogs on the internet.  It's a safe bet.  I mean, nobody really reads blogs anymore.  Except for you.  Gotcha, sucka!

So here's the problem - I'm 31 and single, living in the Midwest.  In other parts of the country, single and 31 is no cause for concern.  But in the red states, it basically equates to a character flaw.  So, in an effort to silence those who have given me such helpful dating advice as "hey, why don't you try dating," or "I know, how about you go out on a date," I'm going to give online dating a try.  I'm not proud of it.  In fact, I'm pretty actively ashamed. 

I've chosen a dating site.  Only one - I mean, I have a full time job and I'm not a whore.  I've uploaded the following profile:

I would describe myself as funny, smart, independent, and loyal. I like to hang out with friends, watch movies, and attend events, but I can also enjoy quiet evenings at home. I like to travel and try new things. I'm very involved in my church. I enjoy watching sports, but you probably shouldn't expect me to play many. I'm looking for someone who is kind, considerate, shares my religious beliefs, and above all, can make me laugh! Funny trumps handsome every time!  

Favorite destinations - San Francisco, Chicago, New York, Las Vegas, Venice  

Favorite books - Little Women, The Book Thief, Ender's Game, The Night Circus, And the Mountains Echoed  

Favorite movies - The King's Speech, Say Anything, Little Miss Sunshine, Office Space, The Sound of Music  

Favorite bands/singers - Muse, The Black Keys, One Republic, Coldplay, James Taylor, Queen  

We may not get along if you value the contributions of any of the following people: 

1. Miley Cyrus  

2. Sarah Palin  

3. Any member of the Kardashian clan  

In closing...  

1. I like flowers, but a grocery store bouquet is just as effective as one from a florist.  

2. I like a guy who can do more with his hands than operate a video game controller.  

3. Jesus is my homeboy. I'd like Him to be yours too.  

4. I can definitely cook, but there's a reason I don't have my own show on the Food Network.  

5. I'm super charming by text, but I'm not looking for a pen pal. 
 

I've included 8 pictures where I feel as pretty as I'm going to without lying to these poor schmucks about what I look like.

 

  

 

 And now, I'm officially online dating. 

I plan to blog periodically about my experiences, communications, and if all goes well, dates.  Best case scenario, I meet the love of my life.  Worst case scenario, I become the subject of a Lifetime movie and a law gets named after me requiring a mandatory prison sentence when someone else is murdered in a similar manner.  Whoa, that got a little dark. Fingers crossed for door number one.

Here are my observations after 24 hours of online dating:

• This is going to be a serious time suck.  Add in the blogging, and I may have to quit my day job.  Unemployed should definitely help my profile.
• The "wink" function is weird and makes me feel a tiny bit violated.  My particular dating site allows you to interact with others by "winking," "liking," or straight up messaging.  Every time someone "winks" at me, it makes me feel like I'm being watched.  I have not winked at anyone yet.  And I don't intend to.
• Conversely, when guys skip the preliminary winking and liking and just jump ahead to the message, I feel like they're too aggressive - like they didn't give me a chance to consider them before they just demanded I talk to them.  Clearly I can't be pleased.
• Boys are terrible at picking their profile pictures.  It never fails that they'll have 6-10 normal pictures and select the one where they're flexing in the mirror as their official profile pic.  Seriously, dude?
• After going 31 years without taking a single selfie, I have now taken about 1500 in order to get 8 keepers that I'm willing to share with the male public. See what I mean?  Time. Suck. 
• I've gotten really good at finding the best light in my house so that my double chin remains elusive.
• I've already talked to several guys I probably would never have met otherwise.  I'm still single, so I wouldn't call it a success just yet, but I can't argue with the numbers.

There's definitely more to come.  This will be at least a six month experiment, and I'm delighted for you to join me on my virtual walk of shame.  I'd love to hear about your experiences or insights in the comments to my posts.