Excuse me sir, I'd like to see more pictures of your tattoos....on your face.

For those of you keeping score, I've now been online dating for 12 days.  In that short time, I've been on 1 date, had 1 offer of marriage, talked to 6 normal guys, and been creeped out so many times I've lost count.  All my previous worries seem silly now.  With results like these, I don't know why people don't online date exclusively.

As I peruse the various profiles I'm presented with each day, I'm starting to see a real problem among the profile pictures men CHOOSE to display.  I want to make it clear, these men choose these photos.  It's not like anybody made them go with the scary picture where they're pointing a gun at the camera. No, no, they sorted through all the pictures they've ever taken in their whole life, and they selected that one to represent themselves to the world.

So without further ado, I give you the faces you're apt to meet on an online dating site.  Proceed with caution - that which has been seen cannot be unseen:





Mr. Joe Dirt


This fellow hails from a small town about 100 miles from your location (thankfully).   He definitely likes to fish and will usually suggest it as an activity in his opening message.   His profile states he likes living in the country, but will occasionally make it up to "the big city."  He has between 4 and 6 profile pictures, and he's sporting the same confused expression in all of them.  You can be sure he took these pictures himself.  That's not the face of a guy who's mastered the art of hitting the shutter button while maintaining an expression that doesn't suggest some kind of intestinal distress.  In addition to a fishing buddy, he's looking for a woman who doesn't mind living away from civilization with only him and his faithful hunting dog for company.  



Mr. Scary Face Tattoo

One thing's for sure, this guy is not afraid of commitment. After all, nothing says committed quite as eloquently as a face tattoo.  Some guys try to hide their ink, but that's just not this guy's style.  Of course, hiding ink on your face can present a myriad of challenges.  Listen, all joking aside, this guy may be great.  Unfortunately, I'm never going to find out. 



Mr. Yeah, That's a Hot Girl in My Profile Picture

This guy is all over the place on my particular dating site. Occasionally, he'll label the female hottie as "sister" or "cousin," but I'm suspicious.  I've got a sister and a cousin.  We pose for pictures somewhat awkwardley and detached, like we don't want people to know we're hanging out together.   I have never liked a profile of one of these guys.  This guy is a little too Barney Stinson for me.  The only future I foresee involves lawyers, judges, and weekend visitation for our children. 

Mr. This is What I Used to Look Like...



But Now I Sort of Look Like This

Also, known as Mr. Bait and Switch. This guy will have 10 to 12 pictures, all with dates at least 5 years in the past. At the very end he'll slip in one photo taken within the last month. At first you almost think it's a mistake, and you start to give him the benefit of the doubt.   Like, maybe he didn't realize he was uploading that picture of his dad, but no, that's the real him. I get why he's embarrassed, I mean, I would be too if I'd let myself go like that. But instead of showing me how good I could have had it if we'd met during the Bush era, how about you show me what the Obama administration has done to you. 



Mr. Hey Girl, I'd Love to Take You Out...Literally

I'll start by apologizing if this pic is over the line, but trust me when I say it's not the scariest profile picture I've seen on the site.  What's the highest level color for terrorist threats?  Orange?  Red?  Because, trust me, Amber Alert is not going to be sufficient.  I have to think these guys are after a certain kind of girl - one who values her mate's ability to be comfortable with himself but doesn't value her ability to continue living. This guy is....I'll go with confidant? It takes some serious self-esteem to look like he does in a profile picture.   After all, profile pictures should capture one at his best.   I'd hate to meet this guy on an off day.   Now the real question is how do I get these guys to quit winking at me?

Mr. Pay No Attention to the Hot Guy in My Picture

This guy drives me nuts! He's definitely a Big Bang Theorist hiding behind the traditional movie-star good looks of his friend, Barney Stinson. His profile picture will have at least 2 men, sometimes 3. One of the guys is guaranteed to get your pulse racing and your face flushed. He's hot, like really hot. And a little piece of you falls for it. You think, wow, this guy just messaged me. I officially take back every mean thing I've ever said about hot guys. They're really not so bad once you get to know them. But low and behold, you're not communicating with the hot guy. You're actually messaging with his goofy friend, the one off to the side wearing the coke-bottle glasses and the trucker hat. The eye candy was meant as a way to draw you in, sort of like how an Amber Alert would use licorice on a 6 year old. I fall for it every time! Be especially leery if they're posing with a celebrity. As much as I'd like to think John Cusack would like my profile, he's probably not searching for dates online, right?  

Mr. Refuses to Smile in Pictures

This is the most common of the guys you'll see online. For some reason, men seem to be under the impression that they appear the most approachable when scowling, frowning, or just staring blankly at nothing. This expression, or lack thereof, ruins a lot of otherwise perfectly decent faces. I get that a lot of guys don't smile in pictures, but this isn't your driver's license photo. This is the one chance you have to make an impression on a female stranger. Do you really want to make her think you spend all your time pissed off?



Today's Updates

• OSU Enthusiast #2 will not take a hint.  He keeps messaging me, saying things like "thanks for reading my message," and "thanks so much for looking at my profile."  Listen dude, you live in Illinois, and I can smell your desperation from here.  As much as I appreciate and am creeped out by your enthusiasm to relocate, it's not going to happen.
• Old Ginger Spice is too cute and is taking too much time to ask me out!  We've been texting consistently since Friday.  He went to the OU game Saturday night and sent me the following text:  "If you watch the game, I'll be the tiny dot on the North end of the stadium, way at the top, wearing red.  I'll wave occasionally."  Aahhhh, he's so cute, and I like that he thinks I'm smart enough to understand cardinal directions. 
• So, as much as it pained me, I went ahead and asked him out on Sunday night.  Here's how it went down:  We'd been texting off and on all day.  At one point we'd had a short conversation about non sequiturs.  So a few hours later, around 7:30, I texted him "So here's a non sequitur for you...are you at all interested in meeting?"  He didn't respond immediately, leaving me feeling crushed and humiliated.  Luckily about 10 minutes later (yes, I know I'm crazy), he messaged back that yes he would like to meet, and he was actually going to ask me.  Sure you were, Old Ginger Spice, sure you were.  At that point he totally took over, planning the whole thing.  We're going to meet on Wednesday at 7pm, at a place I've never been called Belle Isle Brewery.  I'm really excited, obviously.  Maybe he was just too shy to get that particular conversation started?  Who knows.  Now the inevitable what to wear drama begins...
• I've received messages from two promising individuals in the last two days.  The first guy is a 40 year-old CPA.  That sounds old, but he's a really well-maintained 40.  We'll call him TaxMan.  He started his message in the best way - with wit.  The subject of his message was "A grocery store bouquet," and the message started "A woman with 2 - not 1, but 2 - numbered bullet lists in her profile...how could I resist."  The other guy is a 28 year-old college professor who may also be a coach.  He has a few pics wearing a referee outfit, so we'll use Referee as his nickname.  His message was a little more mundane, but hey, they can't all be Old Ginger Spice.