Dear My (not so) Little Pony...who won't stop winking at me, liking my pictures, and who recently saved me as a favorite:
Thank you so much for your enthusiastic, stalker-esque persistence in showing me how much you think of my profile. While some might think looking at a person's profile multiple times a day for the past week is excessive, I for one am flattered. Although, I'd be lying if I didn't admit a piece of me is hoping you have some kind of seizure disorder causing involuntary muscle spasms in your mouse-clicking finger.
When you winked at me a week ago, I'll admit, I was intrigued. You looked like a Normal from the postage-stamp sized picture displayed on my phone. And trust me, there aren't too many Normals walking around. You appeared to be balding, which is not a problem. I mean, have you seen Bruce Willis lately? You had on artsy glasses and a cool vest suggesting you'd be up for the occasional gallery opening or wine tasting, and while you were a little beyond my age range, 42 is still in a category I'll consider.
I was all set to give you a chance until I enlarged your photo. That's when I saw it. I didn't want to believe it at first. After all, one doesn't see something like that every day. I might have audibly gasped. I definitely swallowed back a little bile. What on first glance looked like an artistic stitch detail on your vest was actually the longest, curly ponytail I had ever seen outside the confines of a Steven Segall movie. I was horrified. Let's just acknowledge that the man ponytail is officially dead, unless you're Jared Leto. You, sir, are no Jared Leto.
If ever there was a time to judge a book by its cover, that time was now. Pure morbid curiosity propelled me to read the rest of your profile. Saying up front that you have children is good - it's best to be honest after that whole camouflaged ponytail situation. However, sneaking in at the end the fact that you have 4 children, that's just not acceptable. I know I can rock a bowl cut, but do I look like Maria Von Trapp to you?
By this point, I felt like I had enough information to be certain we would not work out, but I stumbled across one final detail that put the nail squarely in the coffin.....you're SEPARATED!!! Separated, as in not yet divorced, as in still married, as in not okay.
Lest you think my objections are one sided, let me assure you there are a few reasons why you wouldn't like me either - (1) I don't date married guys, (2) I don't want to raise your 4 children, and (3) I'm not good at up-do's. I'm just assuming with a mane like that you'll need one at some point.
I'd like to leave you with a few tips for your future online dating interactions: Cut your hair, finalize your divorce, and stop winking at me.
Sincerely,
The girl who is ignoring you
Today's Updates
- Geek Squad called me last night. I didn't catch the call, and he didn't leave a message. Assuming he was going to ask me out again, I messaged him through the site this morning. I tried to be honest but kind and simply told him that I wasn't feeling more than friendship but that I really appreciated him taking the initiative to ask me out and plan a great first date. I thanked him again for dinner and wished him well. He responded back almost immediately saying he was actually going to tell me the same thing. He assured me that I was a great lady and a truly nice person and wished me well in return. My ego doesn't want to believe he was really feeling "just friends" with me, but at any rate, I'm glad we were able to put some closure on our interaction.
- I'm still messaging with Referee and TaxMan. Both still have good potential, but until I meet Old Ginger Spice, I can't get invested in either one. And speaking of.....
- I'm really excited for my date tomorrow with Old Ginger Spice. We're still texting regularly, which I think is good. Sometimes when you make an official plan to meet someone, the communication sort of stops cold. That's always seemed strange to me. If you want to talk to me three days from now, you should want to talk to me today, but I digress. I'm slightly worried that he's too tall. He's 6'4" so I'm definitely going to feel petite. I've decided to wear heels to help bridge the gap. I will be checking out of work a tad early - let's hear it for my supervisor who's as interested in my dates as I am - so I'll be able to change before the date. I think I've decided to wear skinny jeans (just got new ones that are the smallest size I've ever worn!!!), a teal-ish 3/4 sleeved flowy t-shirt, and leopard print heels. Here's hoping he can handle dating a fashionista!
- I'm really trying not to set myself up for disappointment, but I got some interesting words of wisdom from a friend today. She's had some experience with the online dating thing and cautioned me not to put tons of unnecessary pressure on myself. She reminded me that I cannot mess this up - it will either work or it won't, but if it doesn't work, it's not because I did something wrong. She also said not to try to control my emotions - if I want to feel excited, then feel excited. So with that in mind, I'm excited. Physical chemistry aside (you can't make someone find you attractive) my hope is that our text chemistry carries over to real life conversation. For example, we were texting yesterday about making dinner and he was lamenting being out of butter for his homemade mashed potatoes. Side note - I love a guy that makes mashed potatoes! After I made a few suggestions for substitutions, here was our exchange:
- OGS - "You're making the assumption that I'm quite the cook with lots of herbs and spices. I believe I have salt, some really old pepper, maybe some cinnamon, and a bottle of ketchup. Though I do have some skills, I'm no pioneer woman."
- Me - "I'm glad you're not a pioneer woman. They're traditionally a little cold."
- OGS - "But they make great pie."
- Is it just me, or is he adorable?
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